Postponing school start date for child who isn’t school ready

[rockstarjuice]

(Not summer born) AIBU to do this and how do I go about it? Really not ready for school at all: have been trying to convince myself they are but they really aren’t.

I’m not intending to be defensive but I don’t know what you want me to say. I mean - I know I sound probably a lot ruder than I intend or want to but a year later, do you not think I’ve tried the HV? 😂

At the moment he can’t or he won’t, so either way we are where we are. Yes people send their not toilet trained child to school; I won’t be.

It may be that there is something else going on, have you been to the GP? If it something physical he may never be ‘ready’.

One of my DC is on medication, sees the continence team etc, had a plan of care in reception, but it was a battle to get.

So fucking what if you get judged? The important thing is to get your son happy and settled in school, and most people are saying here that delaying won't help. Not pursuing all avenues of help because you're worried about being judged isn't the the best thing for your DS.

So are you going give up your job?

Do you tell parents not to send their child to school if they can't grasp something you are teaching them?

@CardiganTardigan i just don’t know what to do. That’s one reason I want to get through to Eric. But he CAN control his wees, they are definitely a choice. Poo I don’t know.

@shockeditellyou well, it’s not very nice though. Teachers complaining about how disgusting it is that children these days aren’t trained, it’s a tiny village school so he’d be That Child … just … no.

What other parents do is none of my business @crumblingschools .

And my job is only relevant to notice dates.

So you'd want to stop any chance of his difficulties being confirmed, being referred for assessment of physical or behavioural intervention because you think that rather than try to get him any help/encouragement/accommodation, you know the private thoughts of every teacher and TA are completely different, they'd all be judging you. You also think that there's no such thing as help beyond going to a special school and that you're probably going to give up work and any form of financial independence because that's preferable to giving him pullups and sending him in for the education he has a right to access, whatever is causing this incontinence?

I think that's catastrophising mixed with internalised ableism.

So how long are you going to keep him at home for? This isn't about what's best for your DS, this is about you not coping with some weird perceived shame that your DS hasn't yet managed to be potty trained.

In the nicest possible way, get over yourself and do what's best for your DS. Who knows, school might be the push he needs.

Yes, yes, yes, bad me I am sure. Has anybody stopped to think that maybe because I am a teacher I know exactly what would happen, and it wouldn’t be very pleasant?

Maybe think about that.

I'm sorry if you've already said and I missed it but is he delayed in any other areas or is it just this one thing? If he is on track otherwise then what does he say about it? Can he explain why he's having accidents, it might be possible there is something physically wrong and he isn't getting the sensation to go? Can he feel when he needs to go?

@rockstarjuice do you judge parents when they have tried their best?

Does he have any other behavioural or development issues. An autistic child with a PDA profile I know was similar with toileting.

If you think he might have SEN it’s better in the longterm for him to be in a school/childcare setting, for the assessments alone.

Have you spoken to HV or GP about the toilet training? If not do that asap they will probably refer him to the continence team. Hopefully won’t be too long to wait for that and they can be very helpful if something is up.

Your child is legally entitled to an education in September so please don’t let this put you off sending him. I’d be surprised if he was the only one in pull ups or similar when he starts. besides, he might surprise you and turn a corner over the summer with the toilet training. My son (ASD, SEN) did in the summer before he started school. I had tried a few times and had to stop then thought I’d give it one more try not expecting much and he got the hang of it- but was having accidents still til he was nearly 6.

Not going to school is the nuclear option, surely you can see that. This is his education you are talking about. What if he isn’t ready in January? What if he isn’t toilet trained by Y1? What’s your plan then?

It’s obvious there are some kind of additional needs around toileting with your DS and that’s fine. No one is saying you aren’t trying your absolute best to help him there. But you need to think long term as well. What are you going to do if he still has additional toileting needs in 6 or 12 months time?

OP you’re becoming increasingly unpleasant so I’m going to leave this thread.

If you’re a teacher then surely you know either the LEA or the school itself if it’s an academy is the place to start asking about the process.

I’m not sure why you think he won’t be ready in 4 months time for September but in another 4 months he will be ready. You need to consider what will you will do if he isn’t ready in January.

Goof luck.

Why would I ask a school he isn’t going to? I mean, you’ve left the thread so no point replying but just saying.

@TheHorneSection - I don’t know is the honest answer to that. But as things stand school isn’t an option. I get some think they would do different and that’s fine: I’m certainly not saying they are WRONG - but it isn’t the option I will personally be taking.

I don’t know if he’s delayed or not. No one had said anything so I have to assume not. It is all very strange.

Just seen that you’re worried about the possibility of being judged by school staff. Genuinely sorry you feel that way and I used to worry about that too. But I did grow a thicker skin because I had to, to get anything done for my children (both have ASD) without falling apart. It seems to be common with parents I know whose children have additional needs.

Gently, it's a few weeks off. I was in your position, dd was approaching 4.5 and refusing to cooperate. We took a 2 week break using pull ups then went cold turkey using cloth training pants in daytime, no activities that week with cash incentive, a shiny coin every time she got it right and one taken away for an accident, this obviously only works for children who have a decent grasp of money, but dd knew eight coins bought a book in the series she liked. She nailed it in a week, still had occasional accidents but she started going without fuss. Dd is autistic and continues to have continence issues but the impasse with her refusing to use the toilet was solved

Talk to school now.

My son was not toilet trained despite years of trying.

He had an intimate care plan. His needs were met. He does have SEN and a diagnosis which did not impact the care he received.

After a few months he started doing most wees in the toilet. Still not all of them but the school understand that sometimes despite our best efforts they're not toilet ready.

My son has still benefitted from going to school not ready.

I understand how stressed you must feel. My son is summer born, he only really cracked toilet training in the last few months so is still on track to start school this September. I was worried he wouldn't be ready though.

I think you need to talk to his school. You'll have to talk to them at some point anyway, to tell them you want to defer or decide not to accept his place at the school. If you talk to them now they may be able to help. Worth a try surely?

Possibly even longer if you keep him off school though…

Right, so you won’t get him help because you’re scared of being judged, but you’re happy for him to miss out and be behind because of you?

Ready is a misnomer. It isn’t that he isn’t ready. Either you started way too late and missed the boat (so it’s going to be much harder on you now) or there is something medically wrong.

Either way, that doesn’t mean you stop trying and ruin his school experience.

I thought ERIC did a call back service? It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to them. He’s still in the age range of not being dry at night, I don’t know about day time. Does he have inkling that he needs to go?

I'm going to go against the grain and say if you can defer until Jaunary. As a former teacher changing a child multiple times a day is time consuming and if you don't have the support staff nigh on impossible. We did used to call the parents to come and change them if it was a daily occurrence. I know people are saying "well my child isn't toilet trained and the teacher doesn't mind", then add the number of SEN children with intimate care plans in a class it just adds up and up to the point where support staff are not in the classroom anymore, they spend their day in the toilet.

We had children start in January or even after Easter with no issues making friends at all (EYFS). Children join schools up to Year 6 and still make friends!

Have you spoken to his nursery about your concerns and his difficulties with toilet training? What is their take on it? Have they noticed any other areas he is struggling in? How is he socially?