Postponing school start date for child who isn’t school ready

[rockstarjuice]

(Not summer born) AIBU to do this and how do I go about it? Really not ready for school at all: have been trying to convince myself they are but they really aren’t.

Hi OP, you are in a tough situation but I would urge against deferring until January, I’m an ex reception teacher of many years and all it would achieve is, him being very behind his peers socially and academically. The first term is all about settling in, I’ve had a few not 100% there with potty training, but all minus SEN children were toilet trained in the first term, it’s easier to handle in a school environment.

He would miss all the “fun” bits when it comes to learning especially with the likes of reading, phonics etc and start at the nitty gritty bits. He will also miss the discipline, learning the rules and routines and come January, he will
stick out from his peers.

I would contact his school and speak to the SENCO to discuss a meeting, share your concerns.

Not understanding this. We have 1 intake a year in August. A child who is not 5 after December can be deferred. This is in Scotland. If they are 5 in March on then they start in the August of that year.

Could you not use a childminder if you defer, rather than resigning?

@rockstarjuice So sorry to hear this. My DS had long term toileting issues too and began school in pull-ups.

I don't think you mention if you've contacted the Head of the school your child will be starting for advice? Head of DS's school was extremely helpful and reassured us about him starting.

@JudgeJ that's why I asked

No, I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it to be honest 😂 I know the judgement will be thick and fast. We’re kind of lucky as there’s lots of schools he could go to if he ever does.

@rockstarjuice you have a very strange attitude for a teacher. Surely you know that children don't follow the same timeline (contrary to what the Government thinks!). And also as a teacher wouldn't you want to know if a child has an issue that could impact their time at school.

My concern would be that he still isn’t ready in January but will have to start and will then be behind in other ways. I know you don’t want him to start in nappies/pull ups but I doubt he will be the only one in the class that does.

I think, that if you haven’t already it would be a good idea to talk to the HV/GP about your concerns about there being an underlying issue and talk to the school as well. They will have a better idea of what their procedures are for children who aren’t yet toilet trained due to a suspected delay.

I’ve tried but you don’t get anywhere and I suppose if I’m honest I don’t want to talk to anybody anyway as I know I’ll be judged. I have of course spoken to the HV back in January but it hasn’t changed anything.

@rockstarjuice It certainly can change between now and September as you will ha e the summer off with him. I'm assuming he's at nursery or childcare if you are a teacher.

You need to talk to the school he will be going to as this won't be a new thing they will have come across this before. I didn't need to do this as DS was in the school nursery and I worked there so they where already fully aware of the issue. There was never any talk of delaying him starting school if he hadn't got it by his September start date.

You then need to contact his HV to get support for this issue. Honestly I thought I'd tried everything, all the things I'd done with DD, asked friends, asked on here. Just ask for help, you shouldn't need to delay his school start if this is the only issue.

Schools in England have one intake but parents can defer the start until the beginning of the term after their 5th birthday which is when they reach statutory school age. In practice not many parents take this up. It just hangs over from when schools used to have more than one intake a year.

Children born between April and August can delay entry for a year and start in reception when they reach statutory school age rather than year 1 as they used to have to.

It’s getting a bit circular and unhelpful. I’m not sure what people think I can do over the summer that I haven’t been doing for the last twelve months. Ultimately he’ll do it when he’s ready and he’s not ready. In the meantime he can’t go to school so need to consider other options.

I assumed you probably had but wanted to check. I do think the school is worth a chat with though.

Why would you be judged. It's not like you're being lazy and just haven't bothered to try toilet training. Whether it's a developmental issue or a medical issue, something isn't quite right beyond the "norm" for your son. So now is the time to get more external support.

It seems a bit cutting off your nose to spite your face to say well he isn't toilet trained so he can't go to school. Realistically you'd then be looking at home education, solely on the basis of this one issue. If there is a medical reason for it, the school would have to accommodate that. And it won't be the first case they've come across.

Of course I’ll be judged. It isn’t about me though. School isn’t the best place for a child who isn’t toilet trained.

Why did you start a thread then ?
Schools can't discriminate over a child who isnt toilet trained and neither can they insist you come into change him
Why would they judge you its not like yoy are saying you just can't be bothered toilet training him.you are trying
I doubt this is the first time the school has encountered this situation.

I never felt judged, although probably held off asking as thought I would be and cried at the HV. Both the school and HV where nothing but understanding and helpful and nobody ever said that they thought is was my fault and honestly I never thought he'd be trained by the time he started school either but he was. Ask again for support from your HV our team actually had a specific HV who helped with this that is who came out to my house. Maybe you need to ask again, the school won't judge and won't stop him from starting school. I wouldn't delay school unless there is anything else wrong.

Surely as a teacher you should know that main stream schools deal with students with far more complex needs then this.

I saw a news article recently which said one in four children in England and Wales were starting school not toilet trained so it may be more common than you think.

I can't advise on the deferring as I'm not in England, but has it not changed because of covid at all? Where I am we can now defer if child isn't 5 before the school year starts.

Only very adjacent to the world of care and education here, but I would not judge a parent of a child who had tried to toilet train their 4yo but the child for whatever reason couldn't do it. However a parent who had apparently been trying on their own for a year, but was then refusing to get more external help for for their own fear of 'being judged' - that I would judge! You are right that it isn't about you, why would you rule out getting more help for your son and trying to find a way for him to start school with his peers.

If you are open about your child having issues from the beginning you won't be judged. Well at least at my DD's school you wouldn't be. This is because the school, like many of the other schools I know off, are aware they have to pick up disabilities that haven't been picked up in nursery.

The school if it has some children with disabilities should have at least one toilet right next to the reception children's class.

There will be a child continence service in your area, have you contacted them? As he's about to start school, they may be able to offer help.

My son is disabled so wasn't toilet trained until.he was 9/10.and he was at a special school
However he did go to.a mainstream school nursery in nappies and was probably the only child in nappies ,I never felt judged all they asked me to do was provide pull ups and baby wipes

He can start school not fully potty trained. A friend of mine is 1:1 TA for SEN (suspected and diagnosed) children in Yr1 and she doesn’t mind the fact she is potty training these children while teaching them. It is not uncommon.

So, put the potty training worry to one side.

How is he otherwise in terms of ready to learn? Social skills? Behaviour? If you think he isn’t mentally ready then yes you can defer for 1yr on the basis of developmental delay. You’d need support from the GP and the school for this.

This is some advice from a children's bowel and bladder charity https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/toilets-and-school-readiness/

The OP's DS is 4 and so the OP should still be able to contact the HV service. Whether her local HV service then gets back to her is a different matter but she needs to first try contacting them.