Postponing school start date for child who isn’t school ready

[rockstarjuice]

(Not summer born) AIBU to do this and how do I go about it? Really not ready for school at all: have been trying to convince myself they are but they really aren’t.

I think it's because you aren't really engaging with what people are saying. I appreciate it's tedious and depressing to go over every painful thing you've tried, but if people don't know what you've already done they can't really advise.

You seem to have decided keeping him out of school is the one and only option, do I'm not really sure what the question is. It seems like a bad idea as it will only buy you another few months till January - and will have serious consequences for him rejoining mainstream education, as well as for your job.

In the time you have left you can: contact the HV, contact the GP or local continence services, contact the school about a plan. It won't be much fun, but it's better than just throwing up your hands and saying "he just can't go".

I’m obviously aware that he can start school without being toilet trained but I’m also aware that it will lead to general unpleasantness from staff and children (yes I’m sure the staff will be lovely to our face.)

Sorry if it sounds like I’m being grouchy or anything. @x2boys it was created about deferring and the laws S while I know you can defer for summer borns I didn’t know about children born in other times of the year. Obviously threads evolve but that was the original question if you like.

My dc were not toilet trained and the reception/yr 1 staff just changed them they had a policy we just had to sign for then doing intimate care it was straightforward.
My summer born we only sent mornings

As he is already 4 and half its probably time to approach a gp.
How is his communication?
is he particuoarly stubborn or doesnt understand?
what happens at nursery?
its pretty normal that kids dont take themselves to start with as they wont stop playing.

in fact summe r and drinking more maybe a good thing to stretch bladder and get him more used to holding.

I know but that’s not what I want, at all. I shall pray for a miracle but otherwise I think I have to work on the assumption he’s benefit from an extra few months to hopefully crack it.

It's obviously very stressful and horrible for you. I do sympathise.

As I understand it, he has to be there from the age of 5, so by starting him late you'll only buy yourself one term.

I know but that is a long term, to be fair - four months. And if we’ve still not got anywhere god knows 😂

Have only read OPs posts but not sure if anyone has mentioned ERIC charity yet, worth a look if not.

And yes it’s just a really stressful situation , if I sound terse at all I’m stressed at the situation not anyone here personally, I appreciate the support.

The number of times I’ve tried to get through honestly … no one is ever available. I don’t know if there’s a ‘best time’ to call.

Have you had a bad experience with schools in the past OP?

They won’t judge a child for having a need, at his age if he does not understand he should not be soiling himself, he needs support. Some children do better with toilet training away from home.

Also get the stress OP - eldest had wet accidents all the way through primary. We eventually tried medication but found nothing really helped and in the end we dropped that as well. Getting bigger seems to have been the answer in our case which isn’t much help to you!

Having said that, post-Covid I think schools have more experience of children arriving and not able to use the toilet, so you may find your local school has a good set up, even if you decide to defer and put him in a bit later.

My DD is toilet trained and has wet herself a few times at school.

As they are used to small children wetting themselves including those who appear to have no issues, they ask parents to send kids in with a change of clothes. They also have spare clothes.

If you work with, volunteer or look after children under 6 who have no known disabilities it is now expected that sometimes they have accidents like that. If a child is in nappies/pull ups - and I know children who are currently sent to school in them and older children who were - who either have disabilities or were later diagnosed with at least one then it is expected.

In regards to sending the child part-time the school I know off refused to agree to this until they had seen the child.

So even though the child's parents knew their child couldn't attend school part-time e.g. being adopted and having emotional issues, developmental delay, the schools refused to agree to it until they met the child.

I would make a GP appointment to discuss what the reason might be.

Aside from that, I have worked in a reception class and whilst accidents are commonplace, there was only one child in nappies and that was a child with a disability. However, I do not believe staff or children in a reception class would judge your child at all. Children at that age are not at all judgemental. Someone could help your child at various points throughout the day so that he wouldn't have to go into the main toilets at the same time as the other children if that was an issue. On its own, presuming your child is ready in other ways for the classroom environment, I don't think it's a reason to defer.

I am not judging you; my dd was pretty awful to train.

We had a nursery child who loved his terry nappies-those shaped ones with bright outer covers - and his mother was totally in despair but during the last half term before he started school his grandma went to stay with them saying ‘ I will train him’ and she did too, in that week. He came back clean and dry.

Is there anyone you could call on to help? Sometimes children will do things for a different person.

If you are sure that you don't want him in school yet, would you be able to home school for a year or so? Would finances allow you to take the time off? And do you feel you would be able?

If you do go down that route, look up home Ed groups in your area, as you will probably want to attend meets ups and facilities his socialisation with other children. You'll also need to plan what his learning might look like with you, and how/when you would plan to re-intergrate him into school.

Totally agree with this.
The structure of school is usually a rude awakening for the more immature kids, and the difference in them by Christmas is remarkable - totally changed kids! Kicking the can down the road doesn’t help.

I know @FrothyCothy but that is kind of the problem because the assumption is that the parent hasn’t bothered to toilet train them. It would be different if he had obvious additional needs or if he had a medical condition but does seem to be a case of ‘can’t be arsed’. And so I WILL be judged

And accidents are different though. One change of clothes yes OK. Sending them to school every day looking like they’re going on a weeks residential: perhaps not.

@rockstarjuice but if DS not fully toilet trained will be wearing pull ups surely, so no need to have numerous changes of clothes

I am sure there’s a point there but what? 😂

Don’t pray, don’t hope for a miracle. That means nothing. It’s just pie in the sky. This is on you, he’s not just going to ‘get it’. Dedicate a week, maybe half term to crack it once and for all. Get a chart, bribe him and bribe him some more. He’s four and a half, what’s his vice? Chocolate? Sweets? Lego? A new bike? At his age he must be enticed by something? Have him at home with no pants on, it’s warmer weather, it’ll be easier to do, tell him to tell you when he needs a wee, pick him up, run to the toilet, quick quick, wee on the toilet! If he does it, give him a pound coin, a Freddo, anything. Make a huge fuss when he does a wee in the toilet, ring Dad at work and tell him, phone Granny and say ‘guess what clever Jack has just done’. Children two years younger are capable of this. You can’t send him to school if he’s not toilet trained. It takes so much of the teachers time. He needs to go to school in September, I don’t think a December born child would be allowed the delayed start. As a teacher, you must know all this?? You sound beaten, but you’ve got a whole three and a half months to sort this.

And that ^^ is why he won’t be starting school just yet.

I’m at a loss as to why you think reception, the year in which they first learn to read and write, would be a good time to miss just over a third of the year.

OP, I mean this kindly as I can tell you are under a lot of pressure, but you are being spectacularly defensive about some of the options. Thank you for answering the q about talking to the HV. January was a long time ago, I would try again with them and if you don't get anywhere book a GP appointment. In fact, book that now anyway as you'll probably have to wait a few weeks. Once you've spoken with them and have some clear medical guidance then talk to the school your DS is due to attend and see what they advise.

Also, is he at pre-school, does he socialise with other children the same age and see them using the toilet? (Not literally, obviously, but going off to use the toilet). What do pre-school staff say?