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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Postponing school start date for child who isn’t school ready

298 replies

rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 10:24

(Not summer born) AIBU to do this and how do I go about it? Really not ready for school at all: have been trying to convince myself they are but they really aren’t.

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 21/05/2024 10:58

OP, is he is pre-school? Does he observe other children using the toilet as the norm? This was a huge turning point for both my DC, when they realised what everyone else did.

Also, have you spoken to your health visitor?

MigGirl · 21/05/2024 10:59

@rockstarjuice I'd been trying to and he just didn't want to do it. I'd had no problems training my daughter. I needed help and a totally different approach (he was unbriabale) honestly the HV was fantastic and it didn't take that long in the end. I contacted them as like you thought he would be starting school in nappies.

Overthebow · 21/05/2024 11:00

If he’s not summer born I don’t think you can defer his start until the following intake, you could not send him until the January 2025 but that would be awful for him to join his class part way through the year. Have you had the meetings with his school yet prior to him starting? I think best bet would be to have a discussion with them then and see what they suggest you do/make a plan for him.

Original poster
rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:00

Yes all the time. A year in and we’ve done the obvious and not so obvious things so have to conclude there’s just something not quite right. It’s hard for everyone.

OP posts:
TheHorneSection · 21/05/2024 11:04

That does sound really hard and I’m sorry that you’re in this situation.

However delaying school might not be the right choice if this is the only thing. Do you think he’s socially and “academically” ready to start Reception? If he is then starting school will probably be a good thing.

Call the school and ask for a meeting to discuss what can be done and how they can help. PP might be right that being at school could help with a referral. What stage are you at with the GP?

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 11:04

Are there any other issues @rockstarjuice

Original poster
rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:05

I don’t really know as unsure what’s normal. But even if there aren’t I don’t want him starting school when he isn’t toilet trained.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 21/05/2024 11:08

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 10:47

How not toilet trained? Many children have toilet accidents at school, especially in early days in reception

Accidents and not being at all toilet trained are not the same thing.

MigGirl · 21/05/2024 11:08

@rockstarjuice it's not necessarily the case that there is something wrong, DS could hold really well. Once he was dry he had such a strong blader control he was just very stubborn. He also didn't care one jot about being wet or dirty at all, even after being in nursery for a year and half with other kids he didn't care.
I honestly can't remember how we finialy cracked it. I remember feeling quite cruel at the time but we did and he got it, he has no SEN although is a bit of a quirky chariter.

Original poster
rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:09

Yes I know Smile

OP posts:
x2boys · 21/05/2024 11:10

rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 10:35

Not toilet trained mostly. Have obviously tried but not happening. Very stressed about it.

We are only in May you have several months to try and get them toilet trained but every if they are not quite there when they start school ,that is noreason for them not to start
Are there are any reasons for this SEN ,medical.reason, s
Have you spoke to the health visitor ?

x2boys · 21/05/2024 11:15

rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 10:52

He’s not having accidents though, he’s not trying to use the toilet. I’ve probably not explained that well. But it’s not the odd ooops which is fine. I’m at my wits end and realised today has to go back to nappies but that means he will be in then when he starts school if he starts normal time.

Does he have any awareness of the need to go ?

Original poster
rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:16

We have three months as it is the end of may and given that we’ve been trying for a lot longer it’s not looking hopeful. I’m not really bothered if people want to insist a miracle will happen in the next three months but it won’t, so we have to deal with what we have.

The point is as I see it we have three options

  • special education - not even close to qualifying
  • go to regular school not ready
  • postpone

the last one looks best out of a range of not very good options, obviously best would be if he was toilet trained but I don’t think that will happen for a long time now I’ve accepted it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:17

I don’t know @x2boys , I really don’t

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 21/05/2024 11:17

OP, are you leaving him naked waist down and letting accidents happen, when he’s at home? If he’s “holding” and waiting for the nappy, it shows he has control and is aware of the need to go, but is “stuck” in a habit of using the nappy as a toilet because that’s what he’s used to.

Original poster
rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:19

He hadn’t been in a nappy for months apart from yesterday when I realised we had to give up. I get people want to help but it’s gone beyond a simple problem now. He just doesn’t get what he’s supposed to do. Whether that’s because he doesn’t know or can’t be bothered I’ve no idea.

OP posts:
OnNaturesCourse · 21/05/2024 11:20

Are you based in England or Scotland?

I deferred my DC for a full school year - they remained at nursery, and started school 4 months before their 6th birthday. Based in Scotland. I would 100% do it again, they needed the extra time at nursery.

user1477391263 · 21/05/2024 11:20

OP, you need to be more specific. You mean you are dressing him in clothes and pants and he is just randomly peeing and pooing in them all day?

I recommend Oh Crap Potty Training, by the way - I have heard it’s useful for people who have late trainers and don’t know what to do.

RafaistheKingofClay · 21/05/2024 11:20

If he isn’t going to be ready for ages what is the plan for January if he still isn’t ready.

x2boys · 21/05/2024 11:20

rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:19

He hadn’t been in a nappy for months apart from yesterday when I realised we had to give up. I get people want to help but it’s gone beyond a simple problem now. He just doesn’t get what he’s supposed to do. Whether that’s because he doesn’t know or can’t be bothered I’ve no idea.

What's his communication like ?

User364837 · 21/05/2024 11:20

It’s tricky but I wouldn’t go down this route without professional advice/input.

as he’s relatively ‘old’ for his academic year anyway if he was allowed to defer he’ll be a lot older than his peers - 20 months older than some potentially (if my maths is correct!). He could be physically much bigger than them too.

i personally would go for it but speak to school and professionals early about your concerns.

User364837 · 21/05/2024 11:21

Also I’m not sure you’d get a nursery to take him right up until he’s 5 3/4 so what would he do all day if he doesn’t start for a year?

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/05/2024 11:22

Send him to school in pull ups

We had a 4yr in our R class in pull ups

Only know as mum told me

The other kids didn't know if you are worried will be teased

How does he play /communicate /talk at pre school

User364837 · 21/05/2024 11:24

Ah sorry I thought you were considering deferring his start for a whole year. Got the wrong end of the stick there.

i would apply for the school place as normal and work with them. Worst case they could ask him to be part time before January but I think at least see how it goes.

Original poster
rockstarjuice · 21/05/2024 11:25

Yes I know about Oh Crap thanks. Let’s not talk about that. I don’t know why I need to be more specific, I’ve explained he isn’t toilet trained. Yes, he wears (or wore) pants and pees and poos in them. If you take him for weed regularly he will do them in the toilet but sometimes won’t and since summer and drinking more he is wetting himself constantly.

I am in England. I am trying to work out the best thing to do. I am a teacher so if I have to leva my job I have to resign before may 31 which is why it’s quite important.

OP posts: