To feel like I have to pay this off for DD’s sake? How can I do it?

[Hyre]

This situation is making me feel unwell. I have 200k left on a mortgage. I’m 36. If I don’t pay this off by the time DD is at school (ie by the time I’m 40) I feel like she is going to be at such a huge huge disadvantage in life as I am a single parent with cms that as everyone knows is unpredictable. This is causing me a lot of stress. I try and overpay but sacrifice my own eating to do this.

i don’t feel like she will have the same opportunity as a child in a two parent household otherwise. How can I achieve this? I feel constantly stressed

From the OP

I try and overpay but sacrifice my own eating to do this.

She did - first post. She tries to overpay and when she does it's because she doesn't eat.

Also, you'll have Early Repayment Charges if you're on a fixed rate and overpay more than £20k a year, so it'll be more than £200k.

Yabu and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Do you know that multimillionaires like Beyonce and Adele have mortgages on their homes ? It’s not shameful to have one.

Yes, you will benefit if you pay it off early so you can add to their pension and savings but paying it off by the time that your dd goes to school is an arbitrary and unreasonable goal. I am a single parent with a mortgage and my youngest is leaving school this year. I don’t feel any shame or that they were held back because I had a mortgage. Owning meant that we didn’t have to move home and they could always live walking distance to their primary and secondary schools. They benefitted from the stability of me owning.

Your dd is going to suffer if you become ill from not eating. Taking care of yourself and health is super important because she needs you around to look after her. Single parenthood is emotionally and physically tiring and you need to be well so that you can keep up.

💐

You own a property. Your daughter is already at a huge advantage. Imagine if you were renting privately.

How do you do it? Overpay massively or sell and downsize.

Sending hugs OP. You sound like a lovely mum to be so worried about your daughter’s future. Give her your time and attention- as long as she is safe and fed that is worth more than loads of money. Also work on your anxiety- get help!

Having a mum who has eaten and therefore has energy to parent her is the most important thing here. Don’t starve yourself. Very few people, whether a couple or single, have paid off their mortgage by 40.

OP you are doing fine, just make sure you know what sickness entitlement you have at work if you were long term ill and if you can afford it have a private sickness insurance policy so that if you were incapacitated for sometime, that would kick in and dovetail with work dropping from full pay so that you can cover monthly outgoings such as food, bills and mortgage. Try not to stress, you’re doing an amazing job and remember DCs need their mum more than a paid off mortgage

Didn’t you post about this already a couple of weeks ago?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ami_being_unreasonable/5070991-to-feel-panic-to-owe-this-much-on-my-mortgage

I can understand that you’re feeling considerable stress right now, but you’re
really in a very solid position. I think it might be worth speaking to your GP and/or finding a therapist to help you process your feelings around this. It’s completely fine to have a mortgage of that size at your age and plenty of children with single mothers lead fantastic lives. You’re not letting your daughter down at all. The best thing you can do for her is eat and take care of yourself!

OP, are you one of those people who tends to compare yourself to the people you know who are in the best position financially, while not really thinking about everyone else?

Because a fair few people don’t even have a mortgage by 40, and are still renting at that point. So in some ways you’re in a better position than many people. Take a breath, taking a wider view, enjoy your daughter, and enjoy some nice food.

I didn't pay my mortgage off until I was in my early 60s! And the only ones of my friends that did are those who got an inheritance.

Over time, your salary will go up but (barring interest rate rises) your mortgage won't. The proportion of your income that goes on your mortgage will be relatively smaller as your income rises, too, as long as you don't borrow more.

The average age of a first time buyer is 34. No one is mortgage free by 40 (ok ok, some lucky people will be but often that is because of inheritance). You need to look at things differently, whilst you’re single, a couple next door may have a bigger house and a £400k mortgage so it’s all relative.

Don’t make yourself skint now as you just don’t know what will happen in the future. You might meet someone, you may inherit some money in ten years. These years with your daughter you’ll never get back. The Halifax won’t thank you for overpaying the mortgage and not fucking eating! Just make the required repayments, spend a bit, save a bit and pay off a chunk if you can spare it when it’s time to renew your mortgage, don’t deprive yourself, your 36!

I am in my 40s and will be increasing my mortgage soon so we can upsize. Kids are school aged. Isn't this normal?

I think this level of anxiety is unusual, OP.

I also worry that if you are ploughing every spare penny into overpaying your mortgage, you may not have a cash safety net for emergencies. If you lost your job tomorrow, it would be better to have less of the mortgage paid off and more money in cash for you to spend on food and bills.

If you could have, say, a year's net income in easy access savings, that would put you in a vastly better financial position than most people. Then you could just continue to pay your mortgage at a normal rate knowing that if you did lose your job for whatever reason you would have a whole year to find another job before the money ran out.

Is there any reason to think you wouldn't be able to get another job if you lost yours?

I'm 46 with a 13 yo Ds with sn's and owe 250k on my mortgage. I don't stress about this. Lots of single parents can't afford a mortgage. I'm lucky.

OP, you are over thinking this. You cannot see into the future and while I understand your concerns about security, there are other things you can do to achieve this.

Firstly, set your mortgage payments at an affordable level so you are not scrimping to an extreme degree. Presumably your home fulfils what you need, if you are able to downsize then do so.

Make sure you have life insurance, critical illness and income protection in place if you can. The earlier you start these, the cheaper the premiums. This will mitigate your anxieties about only one income.

Look hard at your budgets and check you are not wasting money.

Make a 5 year, 10 year and 20 year cash plan. At your age you would ideally be looking to have paid off your mortgage by mid 50s.

Don't forget to add in retirement plans which does mean some pension contributions but can also mean other forms of savings, equity release or other things.

Breathe!

Mine's going to be paid off by the time I'm 67 thanks to divorce. I'm not sweating it, there is nothing I can do about it. Give yourself a break.
DD can always get a weekend job if she needs more money, that's what I had to do and it didn't do me any harm at all.

We have only had our mtg a year. My husband is 40. You are being absurd!!

As cliche as it is. You need money to enjoy your daughter now. You don’t know what’s around the corner. You need to eat, do pic nics, little days out. Don’t sacrifice that now for the future. You can make more money, you can’t make more time.

Thanks. I’ve booked an appointment to speak about my anxiety. I can’t live with the stress anymore. Feel like I’m always failing.

You do know there are benefits out there if something happens?

But the best thing would be an appointment with an independent financial advisor to put your mind straight

Well done @Hyre

Get life insurance if you're worried don't over pay if it is sacrificing you eating well

Believe me, all your child needs in life is your love. I am sure she will tell you that herself once she is older!

I think you maybe worry too much. If you a worrier, then try to reframe this as: "If I don’t pay this off by the time DD is at SECONDARY school (ie by the time I’m 52) I feel like she is going to be at such a huge huge disadvantage in life"...

Don't stress. I doubt many of her friends will be living in a mortgage-free house! How many teenagers can say that?!