To feel like I have to pay this off for DD’s sake? How can I do it?

[Hyre]

This situation is making me feel unwell. I have 200k left on a mortgage. I’m 36. If I don’t pay this off by the time DD is at school (ie by the time I’m 40) I feel like she is going to be at such a huge huge disadvantage in life as I am a single parent with cms that as everyone knows is unpredictable. This is causing me a lot of stress. I try and overpay but sacrifice my own eating to do this.

i don’t feel like she will have the same opportunity as a child in a two parent household otherwise. How can I achieve this? I feel constantly stressed

OP, I had five children, was a lone parent and no cms. I was in a rented house. I occasionally had sleepless nights as to what would happen if the landlord decided to kick us out, but once I'd made a contingency plan as to how we'd live if this happened (I can't even remember what my plan was, it was a long time ago - move into a caravan on a friend's field, I think) I felt better.

It sounds as though your anxiety is getting the better of you. Your DD needs you to be fit and well and with robust mental health, so maybe have a word with your GP or your health visitor about the way you are feeling. Your DD has a roof over her head which is secure as long as you keep up the mortgage, and that's more than a huge number of people have at the moment, so maybe confront your 'worst case scenario' and get contingencies in place, but also have a word with the GP about maybe some medical assistance.

Agree with others your being a bit ott. We are a 2 parent family, but only 1 income. I can’t work, originally it was to save childcare costs, now it’s due to health reasons, but I’m not entitled to any kind of benefits so we live of DHs salary alone, with 3 DCs. In the early years it was extremely hard his salary was £28k, we paid the bare minimum on mortgage. He’s had pay rises over the last 9 years since we bought our first house ( both in our 40s). But due to col we haven’t been able to pay extra off as planned as with lots of people our mortgage payments have gone up. We are a lot closer to 50 than 40!

Our DCs aren’t missing out, they might not do everything their friends do, we don’t go on overseas holidays but we manage and they are happy. We just find away round things, term time holidays in a caravan, save vouchers for theme parks, picnic and kite flying at the park.

Unless you’re planning on sending your DCs to a private school you are being extremely unreasonable. Just because there are 2 parents dosnt mean they are financially better off than you.

I think you just need a good friend to show you the other side of things and why things are actually good for you. Or just the people on here!

Worry not!

xxx

A lot of 2 parent household both don’t earn equally, nor do both earn enough if the other lost their job to cover the mortgage. Lots of people have a minimal income and their spouse is the main or sole earner… no difference between this and your situation

It's useful to know you suffer from anxiety and that you've made an appointment to talk to your GP about your condition.

That sounds very sensible.

If you own - it's better than private rental security wise for kids - and many two parent families privately rent and have to move fairly frequently.

We own kids nearly out the door and nearer 50 than 40 and are years away from paying off the mortgage - frankly pleased we built a buffer with overpayments. Plus it's way less monthly payment than local rents even for smaller houses.

I personally would have though you'd be better off overpaying a bit and building up 6-12 months savings but in a planned way not at expense of not eating or making today miserable for both you and your DD.

I am paying a mortgage on my own, as a single parent.

Yes I worry, but I know that I have (hopefully) mitigated any hiccups.

Payment protection insurance, long-term sickness cover, life insurances (one for the mortgage and one that pays out a lump sum), plus I know I can apply for benefits should I need them. I don't worry about overpaying - I will in the future if I can, but not at the expense of eating and living life.

That really doesn't follow. Not all two parent families have both partners working, even if they do they may both be on low incomes, there are extra expenses involved because of the extra person in the house. Some have a parent who is blowing all the money on their personal hobbies/buying expensive cars etc and paying for gadgets/drinking/smoking/drugs/gambling. Children with two parents really are not all better off than your child.

I'm from a poor, working class, single income family. I'm bright but not the smartest and a somewhat lazy procrastinator with ADHD but I'm in a professional, high paying career.

Don't stress yourself out, if your dd has the drive,, she will do well regardless of your lower income.

You're being so hard on yourself. Well done for booking the appointment. I hope it gets easier for you.

Not something you need to worry about - many of her friends are likely to live in homes their parents or parent is renting.

I can guarantee that what your daughter wants most is a healthy mum who has time to spend with her.

If you have the ability to pay a £200k mortgage in four years, your salary must be quite healthy. Sorry to count your pennies 🤣

Your DD is not going to miss out financially. Please take care of yourself x

@Hyre : it’s good that you have an appointment for your anxiety as this is definitely shaping your thinking

I understand that as a single parent you may feel a lot of pressure : but your child’s biggest security is a healthy mother

It’s good to have a good savings buffer too. About the mortgage: don’t overpay at the expense of a pension for you (especially if you pay 40% tax) - then you might be better off putting money into your pension and using the lump sum to clear your mortgage later on

I am a single parent, I have 2 children. I rent as can't get a mortgage. Are you saying that I'm letting my children down?

How many people do you think have paid their mortgage off by 36-40yo. Very very few.

your property will appreciate in value.

And a lot of dual income households don't earn anywhere near enough to afford to pay off 200k in four years!
YABU

Single parent household here (SAhM, high earner partner). I would advise building up your savings (and putting into a high interest account) rather than massively overpaying the mortgage. That way if you lose your job, need a new car, roof falls in, you are long term sick you can use the money for any number of issues and hopefully this will ease your anxiety. Worst case scenario maybe you could move in with family / rent your house out / rent a room in your home etc. I would also make sure I had good life insurance / critical illness cover. I do sometimes worry about the size of our mortgage but the house gives the children comfort and stability and one day will provide them with an inheritance hopefully

OP, even couples are insecure when they have a mortgage. The earning power in most couples is quite unequal. I have earned more than my DH for most of our careers and if I'd lost my job we would have struggled with our mortgage. However, I always thought that the worst case scenario would be moving to a cheaper house/cheaper area.

Edited: when I was 7 we moved house because my father had lost his job and was struggling to find a new one. So we moved from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed house. He then found another job!

But a mortgage is paid off eventually, rent isn't, so you are much better off than anyone who is renting.

I'm now single, with 2 kids and a mortgage. If I lose my job I'd be stuffed, but so would most people. I do have income protection insurance though (to cover me for being unable to work due to illness).

Can I ask WHY you feel like your mortgage needs to be paid off before your daughter is at school? Most families/individuals don't have that, no matter how much is coming into the household. I understand you are concerned that all of the financial responsibility is on you, but really, you should not be skipping meals, or making life so difficult for yourself, to get a large amount of money paid off in a couple of years. Do you have a decent job, and some savings/security?

OP it’s great you recognise this isn’t rational or ordered thinking.

I am single - ten years older than you and have just taken on a big mortgage to buy my dream house!

what you are doing is normal life/. The risk is not huge. Please stop worrying - you are making yourself ill.

Well this is absurd. I’m a widow and my some when my husband died was to make sure my kids had the same opps as other children who didnt have a dead dad. Never did I think oh let’s pay off that great big debt that I don’t need to for another 15 years.!OP your kid will still have a great life even if only have one parent, will they miss out sometimes yes- fact- but they will also be enriched by this experience too in ways that two parent families can’t be.

C'mon, she's not. She's just got a thing about having a house paid off herself for whatever reason, I don't get the sense she's judging others.

You're a single mum and only mention having a DD, so if there's only 2 of you, can you not downsize if you want less of a financial burden? Having a mortgage at 40 is perfectly reasonable though, so I really don't think you need to worry.

Paying your mortgage off is generally something you do once your kids are financially independent!! How has this past you by?