To feel like I have to pay this off for DD’s sake? How can I do it?

[Hyre]

This situation is making me feel unwell. I have 200k left on a mortgage. I’m 36. If I don’t pay this off by the time DD is at school (ie by the time I’m 40) I feel like she is going to be at such a huge huge disadvantage in life as I am a single parent with cms that as everyone knows is unpredictable. This is causing me a lot of stress. I try and overpay but sacrifice my own eating to do this.

i don’t feel like she will have the same opportunity as a child in a two parent household otherwise. How can I achieve this? I feel constantly stressed

You are worrying about something that it isn't rational to worry about.
If you were a two-parent household you would probably have a larger mortgage, as people tend to borrow what they can afford, so you wouldn't necessarily be in a dramatically different position proportionately.

I could tell you, as others have, that you're being silly to worry about this.

But I think it's deplaced anxiety/ a symptom of something else, so I'm not sure that's helpful.

Ultimately it's natural to feel anxious about the responsibility of being a single parent, but if you are doing your best for your daughter, providing emotional and practical stability (which you absolutely are, you own a home - many people don't!), then you and she are going to be ok.

I wonder if you'd benefit from therapy to work through this level of anxiety.

I don't know anyone mortgage free in their 40s let alone a single parent (I've been one too and had a mortgage).
You really are stressing out too much here. I'm 43 and own 25% of a house. I had a mortgage until last year but gave it up to buy a share and hopefully move up the ladder.
We are lucky to even own our homes (or at least partially) as many can't.

You’re catastrophising, there’s nothing unusual at all about a single parent with a mortgage, it’s not like you’re up to your eyeballs in credit card debt. Worst case scenario you’d be able to sell the house.

Why would having a mortgage disadvantage your child?

Having more money does not equate to a better parent and definitely not a better child. The kids that are most 'advantaged' are kids that have loving and involved care givers.

Some of the most grounded, kind hearted and confident and content kids I have taught were raised by single mums. Some of the most unkind and unhappy kids were raised by two parents with a lot of money.

It’s not that I think it disadvantages her as such, more that the situation is scary on your own. She’s more likely to lose her home than a two parent and two income family.

That’s not true. If my husband lost his job and couldn’t pay his half of the mortgage and household bills, I could not cover him. So we would be stuffed just the same as you would. And we have two kids.

Not true. If either of of us loses our job we are out.

Hi OP - I don’t say this lightly but in reality if you lost your home you would probably be housed by your local authority (far from ideal but you are not going to be living under a bridge)

Even in a couple both can lose their jobs at the same time etc

Try to keep your worries in proportion (said as a currently unemployed single earner)

I am a bit confused?! Why do you think you need to pay your mortgage off by 40. That’s really early and also not really down to how many parents there are in a household. We are a two parent household currently on an income of £23k. It will increase when I work again but don’t assume all 2 parent households are rolling in it. It’s good to reduce but aim for something a lot more realistic. If you paid it off by age 55 that would still be impressive!

Op are you able to give some money figures.

Some... People on mn are very good with figures.

What you might be better off doing is saving money and then paying chunks off?
You may get a better savings rate if you put x away and also had security of savings rather than immediately locking it into mortar but.. You can transfer it over.

I think you need help with your anxiety, OP. This is neither normal nor healthy. I think you should see your GP and seek counselling at least if not also medication.

As for your financial situation, you have nothing to worry about.

OP I really second the advice to speak to an independent financial advisor: if you're in a union or some kind of professional organisation you might be able to get a free appointment through them. You can get things like critical illness insurance in case something goes wrong in a big way, and income protection insurance in case you have a temporary loss of earnings. But the idea that you need your mortgage paid off before your DD starts school is just catastrophisation and it's your anxiety talking, so your priority should be getting help with that. Getting some support with your mental health should help with that. You don't need to feel like this, you are enough and you sound like you're doing a great job for your DD

I thought these kinds of things before I started antidepressants OP. It is hard when all the responsibility is on you but you are catastrophising to the point that you are illogical. If you won the lottery tomorrow you would find something else to get anxious about.

Please see your GP

I'm still on meds and had CBT. Now my anxiety is at normal levels

Thats not true op, being with a partner dosent make you exempt from loosing your home. All it takes is 1 partner to loose their job and then bingo. Couples probally have bigger mortgages, because it goes on 2 incomes, so they would struggle and loose their home aswell, they arent exempt. Its not healthy, not eating to get your mortgage down, thats not good for your daughter, she needs her mum fit and healthy. Please seek help for your anxiety.

The only thing you need to worry about right now is your monthly payments for the house and any other bills. Overpaying the mortgage won't protect you from any short-term loss of income. That's where your biggest risk is. Since you can't afford to clear your mortgage in four years (very few people could), your focus should be on making sure you have enough money to meet your monthly bills and any money you have spare should be set aside for an emergency fund. That will be far more sensible, I think, than overpaying your mortgage which is, after all, designed to be paid over an extremely long time because it is so large. If you happen to get to a point where you don't need the emergency fund and you're closer to the end of your mortgage term then go ahead and overpay.

Your goal of clearing your mortgage before your child goes to school is arbitrary and unachievable. You've set yourself too high a hurdle.

You can also get serious illness cover. I think it’s a good idea for anyone with a mortgage.

She is in far more danger if she loses her mother, to either physical infirmity from not eating properly, or mental infirmity from the constant stress you are under. I was so gratified to see that you realize you need to talk to someone about this.

I will quote something a young girl said to a social worker many years ago about her family losing their house. The social worker said something about how hard it is being homeless, and the little girl replied, "Oh, we HAVE a home, we just don't have a house to put it in right now." YOU are your daughter's true "home," so protect that home with everything you have.

It's true ^^ you are your child's world, all s/he needs is you so you need to stay well, eat, sleep and see your doctor. If you make yourself ill s/he will suffer too so take whatever help anyone can offer until you're in a better place.

Do you not have any family/good friends around for support - to chat with about things? Life can be overwhelming sometimes & no-one knows how others are suffering and struggling.

Instead of thinking how bad your situation seems, think how lucky you are to have a beautiful child - sod everybody else & what they've got - they could lose it all tomorrow. Be proud of what you have and what you've achieved, stop putting pressure on yourself, take each day as it comes and realise that you won't always feel like this - it's just a bump in the road.

Be kind to yourself x

You need a financial adviser and a large injection of common sense.

What planet are you on?

It's perfectly normal to have a £200k mortgage aged 36.

Why do you feel you have to pay it off by the time dd is at school?

Your only responsibility is to make the monthly mortgage payment - like everyone else. Because that keeps the roof over your head.

If you overpay - don't overpay by more than 10% or you will incur large financial penalties.

This is why you need a financial adviser.

How on earth did you even get a mortgage without understanding the basics?

You need to read the rest of the OP's posts. She has diagnosed anxiety and has made another appt with her GP to discuss her current feelings.

"What planet are you on?" is not a very kind way to talk to people.

Not necessarily.
Our household was much worse off financially when there were 2 of us. I was doing agency work around childcare and he was working and had a spending addiction. We were always skint and had it continued and we had our mortgage increased as more recently we would have been repossessed. Since I’ve been on my own I’ve had more control over my money and spending.

🤯🤯

Sell up then. And rent for more instead 😆

Exactly this. I feel for you, as I do for the OP, already posted my advice to her. But the assumptions being made about people's different situations really worry and surprise me.
I have personal experience of being a child in the above situation, and the relief finally experienced by mum once my dad left, though she never stopped loving him with all his faults. But she could be in control of paying the bills at last, managed to set up her own business eventually, no financial support from him whatever, 5 children. As an adult I know of many women in 2 parent households in similar situations or varying reasons

I hope if the OP reads this it enables her to get a sense of perspective on her own situation, in addition to seeking good financial advice and treatment for her anxiety

I would also recommend she accesses some free online support via MIND where she can find links to CBT resources, reading etc. That way she can help herself and her daughter rather than waiting for referrals etc. I hope her GP signposts her to some of this help

@Hyre I do understand your anxiety. I've been a single parent with a mortgage, no maintenance payments, and struggling financially for a number of years in the past- and yes it can be very scary.

But the thing is, unless people are very well off, even in 2 parent/ 2 income households most people do worry a bit about these things. The relevant words to focus on are 'worry A BIT'. Very kindly, you appear to be completely
over-angst-ing about this to the point of not eating in order to ease those angsts and that will do neither you or your daughter any favours at all.

As others have said, have some savings to keep in case you are out of work - 6 months worth of your take home pay, or whatever you feel is appropriate, as a 'safety net' to help you manage your worries, but try to relax a bit after that. You need to enjoy life a bit as well as pay your Mortgage and Mortgages are not meant to be paid off in the short term.

If you can afford to overpay a lot on your Mortgage, you should be able to afford a 'reducing term insurance policy' to cover the rest of the Mortgage if something should happen - it may also cover terminal/critical illness diagnoses and possibly an income protection policy. A Financial Advisor can help you with this and it should help, if you feel that there will be financial protection if it is ever needed.

I took one out over a 5 year term a few years ago, to cover the cost of a £20k loan for a new car and other things, which I started to panic about after we had taken it out ( I'm a lot older than you, we are both retired and if one or other of us had died, the survivor couldn't have afforded to repay it if they did). Took all the worry out of it

I think you would also possibly benefit from speaking to your GP about your Anxiety levels which from what you posted are completely disabling you to lead a normal life with normal 'anxiety' levels. I do hope you can get some help for your MH issues, but make sure you tell them how badly you are angst-ing about this.

Take Care of yourself

PS @Hyre
Your daughter just needs you to love her, take care of her, just be there for her when you can and do some fun things with her. Whether the Mortgage is paid off won't make any difference to her at all - but saving money to pay off the Mortgage in an impossible time frame will affect her if you feel it is more important to pay it off, then do fun things with her which involve spending even a little cash ( lots of free stuff too though) and if your health deteriorates because you are not eating properly, are exhausted due to lack of proper nutrition and have this overwhelming anxiety which then spills over to her ( and she WILL pick up on it) she will be disadvantaged by a parent who can't parent properly due to your health issues