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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours daughter

130 replies

Helplessbeth · 20/05/2024 13:31

Cut a long story short my two children made friends with a girl who's an only child across the street from us. Playing outside if I was gardening or cleaning the cars, last month my daughter asked if I could ask her mom to come over for a play date.
mom agreed.
all of them played in the playroom then went into the cinema room to watch Taylor swift eras tour, lovely day.

so a few more times the girl came and played in our garden even having a bbq with us (which her parents knew about)
Saturday just gone a mini fairground came to a local park I know her mom and dad work weekends so I offered to take her with us instead of spending it with grandparents.
they has rides, candy floss, toys you name it I treated my children and this girl exactly the same.

the child was so happy and when her mom knocked on our door the child even said it's been the best day ever.

today I was leaving to take the dog for a walk and her mom shouted at me to come over for a chat.
she told me I shouldn't be spending my husbands money (I'm a sahm) on her child as it makes her feel bad because both her and her husband work but don't have the spare funds.
this took me as a surprise and I said I'm sorry you felt this way and I wouldn't like her to feel that way.

my dog was pulling so I quickly left and she huffed back inside.
I want to go and speak to her again as it seemed so aggressive from her side. I must also add growing up I was also an only child who parents both worked so much and felt a little lonely. The child's mom doesn't know this but maybe it would help coming from also another child who grew up without siblings.

aibu to take her daughter to the fair and buy whatever she wanted? I never even asked for any money. I just wanted them all to have a good day.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 20/05/2024 13:34

Blimey she's rude! I'd cut back on the invites .... but that's not fair on the kid.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 13:37

she told me I shouldn't be spending my husbands money (I'm a sahm) on her child as it makes her feel bad because both her and her husband work but don't have the spare funds.

Excuse me? I would not take that snide comment laying down, I can assure you of that. I would inform her that the money you spend IS your money, and whatever insecurities she has are distinctly her problem.

What an absolute twat. It's a shame for her daughter, but I wouldn't want anything to do with that woman.

pikkumyy77 · 20/05/2024 13:39

Sad but she feels the way she feels. Somehow your very kind gesture felt like a rebuke to her. She is ashamed that she can’t, or won’t, return the favour and rebalance the scales.

I think you may have to scale back and avoid situations where money or outside treats are involved. She obviously resents not being able to reciprocate and she resents hearing about what a great time her child had with you.

WaltzingWaters · 20/05/2024 13:41

She sounds extremely rude and ungrateful. You did a lovely thing taking her child to the fair, and unless they’re really struggling it’s a bit off of her to not send her Dd with some funds for it. If you regularly spent lots of money on this child and spoiled her in a way her parents couldn’t she has a point, but there would be a nice way to say this. But as a one off when you did a lovely thing it’s extremely rude of her to be so off with you. And the point at it being your DH’s money is just spiteful.
It sounds as though she’s projecting her own issues on to you.

HelplessSoul · 20/05/2024 14:26

Your neighbour is an ungrateful wanker.

Dont bother wasting your time/income on her daughter. Let her pay her own fucking way - as for the only child situ, frankly, who gives a fuck.

Her kid, her problem - not yours. Ignore her forever more.

drusth · 20/05/2024 14:28

The mum's got issues. Sad for the little girl but I would be giving them a wide berth from now on.

rainfordays · 20/05/2024 14:38

This isn't about you, it's about her. She probably feels bad that her child went out and had the best day ever with you, and you're spending money they don't haver to treat their child to similar things. Or she is jealous. You weren't unreasonable, her reaction is unreasonable - peobably the whole thing made her feel bad about herself (or who knows, maybe it made her husband feel narked and he took it out on her and now she's taking it out on you, weirder things have happened).

Either way, you did nothing wrong and you in no way need to make an effort to speak with her again to smooth things over or maker her feel better. She was extremely rude and I'd be very cool towards her unless she gave a sincere unprompted apology (bet she won't, though).

GasPanic · 20/05/2024 14:48

Difficult one because now maybe she is asking her parents why she can't do similar things with them and it's because they are absolutely stretched on spending and need to keep everything to a minimum to just keep a roof over their heads.

What you did was very kind and came from a good place but if they are stressed about finances maybe that is why they reacted so badly - they may feel awful that they feel they cannot reciprocate.

Not sure there is any clear solution tbh.

warmcookiedough · 20/05/2024 14:59

As you say they both work including weekends it must be awful to work to provide for your child and still struggle to do so. She seemed rude but I imagine it's not intentional and she's hurt that she can't make her daughter that happy despite both her and her partner working. It's also maybe why she is an only child I'm sure she is grateful her child had a lovely day with you and yours and it was kind of you I think she just feels hurt and can't say it like that maybe out of pride? How the girl still gets to play with yours you sound lovely ☺️

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2024 15:04

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

No. You don't lash out at a stranger who has been kind to your child.

You certainly don't tell her she shouldn't be spending her husband's money!

If she doesn't want her daughter to go out or play with the OP's DD she can say No politely.

Not everyone has the same, but she could reciprocate if she wanted to by just having a playdate.

She was very very rude

LilacK · 20/05/2024 15:15

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

Agree with this. She's lashed out because both her and her husband work and still can't treat their child like you have done, with neither the time nor the money to do so. Nice for her child to have yours as friends though so it would be a shame if that was lost.

Lurkingandlearning · 20/05/2024 15:28

She knew you were taking her to the fair where everything costs money. Did she expect her child to just watch.

Whatever her reasons are for being an arsehole she should have thought of them before she allowed her daughter to go.

LadyKenya · 20/05/2024 15:37

aibu to take her daughter to the fair and buy whatever she wanted? I never even asked for any money. I just wanted them all to have a good day.

Yes, I think that yabu to buy whatever she wanted. That may not be how her mother is raising her. She clearly did not send any money, which is odd, if she knew where you were going, so must have been put out with her child coming home with her hands full. She could have had the rides, and something to eat, candyfloss etc. But buying toys as well, was too much imo. I must admit to being surprised how frank the mother has been with you though, but at least you will be left in no doubt about how she feels.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 16:50

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

No, you absolutely do not have the right, entitlement or free pass to lash out at anyone, especially someone who has been so nice to your child, just because you have insecurities you can't manage. Do you make the same excuses for men who abuse their partners? After all, they're just "lashing out" due to negative feelings about their shortcomings. "Hurt people" are not entitled to hurt other people. FFS.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 20/05/2024 16:57

LadyKenya · 20/05/2024 15:37

aibu to take her daughter to the fair and buy whatever she wanted? I never even asked for any money. I just wanted them all to have a good day.

Yes, I think that yabu to buy whatever she wanted. That may not be how her mother is raising her. She clearly did not send any money, which is odd, if she knew where you were going, so must have been put out with her child coming home with her hands full. She could have had the rides, and something to eat, candyfloss etc. But buying toys as well, was too much imo. I must admit to being surprised how frank the mother has been with you though, but at least you will be left in no doubt about how she feels.

Edited

i don't buy my children whatever they want either but it was a treat day as we haven't had a family day in a while and also didn't want the child to feel left out. As I was that child growing up.
i only had good intentions and I never realised their financial circumstances especially when they both live in the same street and both have new Tesla's. That's why it caught me off guard.

I can see how it seems though and I wish it went better as our children are really lovely friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helplessbeth · 20/05/2024 17:02

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

I really didn't expect anything my children really enjoyed her company and so did I.
her mom could've easily declined and that wouldn't of been a problem at all.
I completely agree with what you say letting your child down as I was the same growing up with my parents but I didn't know about their financial situation at all.
But If you think hurt people hurt others. No they really shouldn't.

OP posts:
Greenandblue1988 · 20/05/2024 17:05

she told me I shouldn't be spending my husbands money (I'm a sahm) on her child as it makes her feel bad

The only appropriate response to an arsehole who insults and takes out her insecurities on people who do her a favour is FUCK OFF.

Seriously, she's a mean idiot.

Lenoftheglen · 20/05/2024 17:10

IME anyone who acts like this woman did is usually unhappy or has issues of her own.

You said yourself that she mentioned a tight financial situation which seems to be the trigger here. No doubt her daughter gushed about the day out, treats, play room and cinema room etc. Might just be a bit of plain ole green eye.

FranticHare · 20/05/2024 17:21

If her daughter went home saying "I've had the best day ever", and her parents are already feeling guilty for working full time and not spending time with their daughter, then I can understand her upset.

Its not right she took it out on you, but I can understand the guilt.

As parents (and I think especially mothers) we have so much judgement - if we work full time, we're neglecting our kids. If we don't work, we're setting our kids a bad example and not displaying a good work ethic, or not contributing to society. You cant win, and she maybe has had a few snarky comments recently.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/05/2024 17:24

2 new Teslas is £200k right?

I think she's just a cow who wanted to make you feel bad

Never have her over again

AmiShitsaline · 20/05/2024 17:32

The Teslas will be company cars surely.

I think that this has come from her husband, the way she talked about your husbands money makes me think they don’t have joint finances and her husband may be controlling, perhaps given her a hard time about you treating their daughter.

FredsRoses · 20/05/2024 17:38

Lurkingandlearning · 20/05/2024 15:28

She knew you were taking her to the fair where everything costs money. Did she expect her child to just watch.

Whatever her reasons are for being an arsehole she should have thought of them before she allowed her daughter to go.

I agree with this!

GasPanic · 20/05/2024 18:05

Helplessbeth · 20/05/2024 16:57

i don't buy my children whatever they want either but it was a treat day as we haven't had a family day in a while and also didn't want the child to feel left out. As I was that child growing up.
i only had good intentions and I never realised their financial circumstances especially when they both live in the same street and both have new Tesla's. That's why it caught me off guard.

I can see how it seems though and I wish it went better as our children are really lovely friends.

Show quote history

Some people are like ducks. On the surface they look all serene.

But underneath they are paddling furiously to stay afloat.

MotherFeministWoman · 20/05/2024 18:13

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

Or, maybe she needs to work more on her emotional regulation.