Neighbours daughter

[Helplessbeth]

Cut a long story short my two children made friends with a girl who's an only child across the street from us. Playing outside if I was gardening or cleaning the cars, last month my daughter asked if I could ask her mom to come over for a play date.
mom agreed.
all of them played in the playroom then went into the cinema room to watch Taylor swift eras tour, lovely day.

so a few more times the girl came and played in our garden even having a bbq with us (which her parents knew about)
Saturday just gone a mini fairground came to a local park I know her mom and dad work weekends so I offered to take her with us instead of spending it with grandparents.
they has rides, candy floss, toys you name it I treated my children and this girl exactly the same.

the child was so happy and when her mom knocked on our door the child even said it's been the best day ever.

today I was leaving to take the dog for a walk and her mom shouted at me to come over for a chat.
she told me I shouldn't be spending my husbands money (I'm a sahm) on her child as it makes her feel bad because both her and her husband work but don't have the spare funds.
this took me as a surprise and I said I'm sorry you felt this way and I wouldn't like her to feel that way.

my dog was pulling so I quickly left and she huffed back inside.
I want to go and speak to her again as it seemed so aggressive from her side. I must also add growing up I was also an only child who parents both worked so much and felt a little lonely. The child's mom doesn't know this but maybe it would help coming from also another child who grew up without siblings.

aibu to take her daughter to the fair and buy whatever she wanted? I never even asked for any money. I just wanted them all to have a good day.

Everything at a fair costs money. There is not a single activity that doesn't charge. Did she expect you to take her child and then just make her watch your child have all the fun? If she didn't want you to spend money then she shouldn't have sent her child with you.

I can understand she doesn't like feeling as if you did her a favour but you didn't do anything wrong.

You have multiple cars, a play room, a cinema room, and you don’t have to work. You’re doing nothing wrong, but the other mum feels like she’s receiving charity. If the relationship isn’t completely f**d (which would be a pity for the girls) reel back on the spending.

Maybe she felt like a charity case. Perhaps it's not something she would have done.
You aren't wrong by the way, I don the same for my DD's friends.

She was rude and the thing about your husband's money was especially nasty.

However, I think you should give the whole only child thing a rest. You're coming across like you've got some kind of saviour complex.

I just know personal experience what it's like to be an only child

I'm only speaking as an only child myself I wish my weekends were full of fun instead of at my aunties house watching tv, where there is nothing wrong with this I just wanted to give her a day out with her friends (my children)

That was your experience. Not every only child has the same experience. I am an only child and my weekends were full of fun and not because some random neighbour rescued me from a terrible fate of sitting at aunties' houses watching TV.
I know you are trying to be kind, but the child is not a charity case who needs rescuing. Maybe the neighbour has subconsciously felt patronized by this and that's why she's pissed off. She's still rude though.

So they both have new Tesla's but can't afford to take their daughter to the fair 🤔
Something doesn't add up here...surely you forgo a car to have more disposable income for your child?

She probably feels like she’d have to pay it back as in take your daughter out and she’s worried she can’t afford it. Most definitely could have been a bit more tactile. I know I’d be worrying if I didn’t replay the favour

Maybe she doesn't want her child to be in the habit of asking for something when they her out themselves or not able to treat your daughter in.the.same way x.
i used to do the same with my daughters friends years ago, till One day I overheard one of her friends to another you'll no need to spend your money xx mum will pay !

Don’t be silly — because she took her to the funfair?

What's happened here is that she is unhappy that you gave her DD a great day & she cannot afford to do this, or perhaps doesn't have the time. She feels you overstepped because you played a parental role & she doesn't feel good enough.
I would personally not talk to her about your own stuff, if you're going to say anything just show her that you respect her wishes & keep it low key, still making it clear that her DD is welcome to come & play & she is welcome too.

This.

Op can you clarify intent, as people are taking this the way it’s written, which is she was basically attacking as you’re a sahm.

was her intent not she cannot return the favour as they are skint, and it came out wrong, or was it really she was attacking you for not working.

Or is it because she thinks you're taking pity on her 'lonely' only child (you implied this in your OP).

Perhaps she resents you filling all her child's time with fun, exciting things, so she'd rather be with your family than her own, including weekends spent with grandparents.Maybe they can't afford to do the same. Perhaps it's causing issues in what was an otherwise harmonious setup for them.

I know you think you're being nice, but clearly there's some issue so maybe pull back a bit. Occasionally invite the girl places (via her parents so issues aren't caused if they have to say no) or just to play at yours. And be careful not to project your life experience onto her.

It’s absurd that posters are assuming she’s skint when they have two teslas.

The mother is weird and nasty as evidenced by slamming the door. if this is how she behaves when you’ve been kind to her daughter, how is she going to behave when there is the inevitable squabble between the girls?

I would discourage this friendship and I wouldn’t have her round again.

I’d be livid if my neighbour was taking dc to fairs and buying them anything they wanted without checking with me first.

I've always done that if I've taken someone else's child out with ours, how could you possibly put your children on a ride and tell the other one they can't have a go?

I would have ignored the attitude and said don't worry about it my money, my treat, with a smile.

@Helplessbeth I think there are a lot of things going on here. Assumptions, resentment, and lack of communication.
The best thing to do would be to go over and have a chat, make time, and see if you can get communication going on a better level, concerning play dates and what is acceptable and what's not to the parents.

Putting aside how she came across in the conversation, maybe she was trying to say,
'"we can't/don't want to reciprocate your generosity, this makes things a little awkward".

I don't think you were in the wrong, I think mother has issues, but to stay friends, with less issues, try to hold back on fiscal gifts, offering your time to take them to free places is probably fine.

What's the company benefit in kind tax like on a Tesla, anybody got any idea? I'm curious if it's low because they're electric or high because they're bloody expensive? Either way I'm having a hard time buying the idea that somebody from a household with two teslas can never afford a modest day out at a fair.

If I'm being kind I'd say we have no idea how the daughter reported back the day out with you, or if mum had had a bad day, or if her H is tighter than a duck's arse and she's got it in the ear about "those bloody neighbours being such wankers spoiling our kid now our kid is going to think it's normal to spend money on tat" and she thought she should shut it down aggressively "firmly". Obviously she was wrong to do so, but see if you can find a little compassion for her anyway, it will do no harm and may make it easier for you emotionally.

I wouldn't go back and try to explain yourself again later on. If she's still riled up or really is just an arsehole it risks her seeing it as an attack and making it worse. Perhaps she will calm down in a day or two and apologise - or not. But it would be a shame if you stopped inviting her daughter to play.

The OP did not mention the teslas until late in the thread

What's the company benefit in kind tax like on a Tesla, anybody got any idea?
2% of the list price this year - it got set back to zero at one point. They (electric cars) are by far the cheapest for BIK.

None of this story makes any sense.

They did check first.

I find this very odd. If I agreed for my child to go to the fair with someone else, I’d personally send some money, but would absolutely expect my kid to get the same as the other kid.

im stunned anyone would be livid and expect their kid not to go on the same rides or get the same food and drink. How fucking miserable would that be. Here here’s some candy floss and time on the dodgems but you’re getting nothing, you can just watch, as your mam would be livid.

It’s absurd to assume they are not skint simply as they have two teslas, you don’t know the deal behind them or their finances. They could be spent up.

A lot of people just assuming they own these Teslas rather than them being company cars.