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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours daughter

130 replies

Helplessbeth · 20/05/2024 13:31

Cut a long story short my two children made friends with a girl who's an only child across the street from us. Playing outside if I was gardening or cleaning the cars, last month my daughter asked if I could ask her mom to come over for a play date.
mom agreed.
all of them played in the playroom then went into the cinema room to watch Taylor swift eras tour, lovely day.

so a few more times the girl came and played in our garden even having a bbq with us (which her parents knew about)
Saturday just gone a mini fairground came to a local park I know her mom and dad work weekends so I offered to take her with us instead of spending it with grandparents.
they has rides, candy floss, toys you name it I treated my children and this girl exactly the same.

the child was so happy and when her mom knocked on our door the child even said it's been the best day ever.

today I was leaving to take the dog for a walk and her mom shouted at me to come over for a chat.
she told me I shouldn't be spending my husbands money (I'm a sahm) on her child as it makes her feel bad because both her and her husband work but don't have the spare funds.
this took me as a surprise and I said I'm sorry you felt this way and I wouldn't like her to feel that way.

my dog was pulling so I quickly left and she huffed back inside.
I want to go and speak to her again as it seemed so aggressive from her side. I must also add growing up I was also an only child who parents both worked so much and felt a little lonely. The child's mom doesn't know this but maybe it would help coming from also another child who grew up without siblings.

aibu to take her daughter to the fair and buy whatever she wanted? I never even asked for any money. I just wanted them all to have a good day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helplessbeth · 20/05/2024 23:12

LL1991 · 20/05/2024 23:04

I’d be intrigued to know the tone of her as she said it. Was it from a ‘don't do that’ finger wagging place or a ‘we’re struggling and can’t pay it back to your child/ren’ place?
I know that if it were me I’d be trying to keep things even so as not to annoy you if my child really did like your girls and I wanted to keep the play dates going.

The tone wasn't the nicest after my husbands comment of money my dad was Wapping ready for his walk I said I'm sorry I better go, she turned her back and walked up her drive and slammed her front door. I really never wanted to create any harm as my daughter loves being friends with her daughter.

OP posts:
LL1991 · 20/05/2024 23:21

@Helplessbeth ahh ok, I read it in a much more sympathetic tone!
Not really on, you treat her daughter like your own and get a bit of lip from her too. If you are vaguely confrontational I would go and ask her what she’d have you do… spoil your daughters and then refuse to do the same to her daughter?
It’s sad because it’s the kids who’ll lose out now because of her insecurity.
Ungrateful indeed!

utilitarianism · 20/05/2024 23:54

Regardless of how she felt, she could have presented her request in a more polite way, but now you know to dial back on how much you spend on her child. The children can still play and go places together, but I'd try to keep them lower key or select outings that don't cost much or don't present as many options for extra spending.

I definitely would not approach it from the 'only child' angle, because I'd fully expect her to take that as a judgement on her 'failure' to have more than one child, whether or not she's already sensitive on that point. There's no need to bring that into the conversation.

Springchickenonion · 21/05/2024 01:09

She's probably a bit upset and jealous the her kid 'had the best day out ever' with you and she misses these things because of work.

It's not your fault and not your issue. Just say that your families money is nothing for her to worry about and you're daughters enjoyed spending time with their friend.

Wait a week or 2 then invite for a normal play date

Etincelle · 21/05/2024 01:19

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
No one at all has suggested that, so I'm not sure why you've written that. The only expectation is for someone not to be extremely rude to someone who has been very kind to their child.

Angelsrose · 21/05/2024 01:39

Op, your neighbour is rude, you are kind. Don't worry.

KomodoOhno · 21/05/2024 04:35

She's rude. I have an only. If I take a friend out I treat the child the same as my own.

Spinningroundahelix · 21/05/2024 04:36

I can't imagine why anybody would think that was a kindly exchange. If they can afford brand new Teslas each they can afford some candy floss. They are just choosing to prioritise other things. I wouldn't try to explain to her - have you ever heard the expression, "You can't argue with crazy"? Hopefully, left to her own thoughts, she might come round to the view that she was breathtakingly rude and ungracious.

purplesalad · 21/05/2024 05:03

It isn’t husbands money, it’s family money.

She was rude but I suspect she is secretly a bit jealous of you as a seemingly comfortably off sahm.

Sounds like they are struggling financially and their dd is making demands after play dates with your dd.

However, they have chosen to take out heavy loans for two luxury cars so it’s not surprising really. It could be argued they have their priorities wrong and the guilt is there under the surface.

I would continue offering play dates at home for their dd but not take her on family days out.

VestibuleVirgin · 21/05/2024 05:50

Etincelle · 21/05/2024 01:19

Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
No one at all has suggested that, so I'm not sure why you've written that. The only expectation is for someone not to be extremely rude to someone who has been very kind to their child.

Show quote history

No, they haven't written that exactly (I think you may be being very literal in your interpretation....)
But many responses have snapped into 'ungratefullness' attitude, and how rude the woman was, without considering another view. This speaks to the MN expectation that all relationships are transactional, and that gratitude for the merest thing is eeternal

Aishah231 · 21/05/2024 06:57

The problem isn't you it's her OP. If they've both got brand new Teslas it's not that they can afford to return the favour it's that they can't be arsed. Your effort with her daughter probably makes her feel a bit guilty and rather than admit it she's blaming you.

Frauhubert · 21/05/2024 08:24

I often take my friend’s 10 yo daughter on days out and ‘girl dates’ to places my friend wouldn't take her due to her financial situation. The girl often says she had the best day ever and my friend is forever grateful and messages me later how much they both love me.
I am not saying that the woman across the street should be sending you messages of love but I am saying that you can be in a worse financial situation and not be a twat and lash out on people who treat your child to nice things every now and again. So yes, it’s nothing to do with her finances, she is just a nasty and jealous woman.
Your husband’s money 🤣

Louise303 · 21/05/2024 08:46

I know is not fair on the little girl but I would not invite her over or let her in your house. I would continue to let your children mix and play on the street the mother sounds like she has a real problem with you.She let her daughter go to the fair there was no reason to be nasty to you. I would not of been so nice to anyone telling me I should not be spending my husbands money. She could be jealous of you for some reason otherwise she would of spoke politely.

Apollo365 · 21/05/2024 09:07

What the actual FUCK! I’d be fuming!!!
your husbands money!???! What!!!!
are we in the 50s again

uhhh screw her.

Guavafish1 · 21/05/2024 09:21

I think you should have told the parents first and don't spend any more money on the child. Clearly you hit a sore spot for the parents

Beeinalily · 21/05/2024 14:41

Am I the only one who read that the couple have a Tesla each? But they can't afford spending money for their child to go to the fair? Hmmm...

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 21/05/2024 17:08

Having a go at the OP for spending her husband’s money?!

Why the fuck are some posters defending that?

frankentall · 21/05/2024 17:13

Cool story

size4feet · 21/05/2024 17:31

VestibuleVirgin · 20/05/2024 15:00

Gosh, a lot of snarliness here!
Was this poor woman expected to provide a parade of thanks, or eternal gratitude.
Like other pp, have said, look at it from her point; when you are living from penny to penny, and there is no spare cash, even for a couple of rides at the fair, it's crippling. You feel you are letting your child down.
You know that they see what other kids have, and even if they tell you they don't want 'it', because they know (and they do know) money is tight, it doesn't make it better.
Then a kind person comes along, treats your child, and reinforces, albeit unwittingly, your shortcoming.
So you lash out. Because hurt people do that, whether they should be hurt or not.

No one was expecting anything other than not to be spoken to rudely.

size4feet · 21/05/2024 17:33

@LilacK

Agree with this. She's lashed out because both her and her husband work and still can't treat their child like you have done, with neither the time nor the money to do so. Nice for her child to have yours as friends though so it would be a shame if that was lost
Then she needs to learn to be an adult. Adults shouldn't be lashing out because of their insecurities. We teach children not to do this. If you are still doing it as an adult you've kind of failed .

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 21/05/2024 17:37

I shouldn't be spending my husbands money

How very 1950s of her

pineapplesundae · 21/05/2024 18:19

I would still invite girl on occasion, through mom first though. The child should have fun childhood memories when possible. If mom wants to pay you back, she can bake you some cookies.

pootlin · 21/05/2024 18:25

LilacK · 20/05/2024 15:15

Agree with this. She's lashed out because both her and her husband work and still can't treat their child like you have done, with neither the time nor the money to do so. Nice for her child to have yours as friends though so it would be a shame if that was lost.

Show quote history

I wonder if it's more that she is annoyed that OP hasn't invited her and her husband to come along and paid for them

Shelby2010 · 21/05/2024 19:12

I think you are obviously a very kind person & it’s a shame the other mother was rude. It sounds like you have very different lifestyle & probably parenting styles.

However, you do seem a rather over the top - even on fun days out my DC aren’t given ‘whatever they want’. And if you sent my DC home loaded with fairground plastic tat or one of those huge soft toys I would be very unimpressed!

Don’t take her comments to heart, just keep any play dates a bit more low key.

StormingNorman · 21/05/2024 19:24

CowboyJoanna · 20/05/2024 22:59

YANBU

That woman is jealous that you're a better parental figure to her daughter than she'll ever be

What you just said way way ruder and more aggressive than the OP’s neighbour! So where does that put you on the parental figure leaderboard?