Neighbours daughter

[Helplessbeth]

Cut a long story short my two children made friends with a girl who's an only child across the street from us. Playing outside if I was gardening or cleaning the cars, last month my daughter asked if I could ask her mom to come over for a play date.
mom agreed.
all of them played in the playroom then went into the cinema room to watch Taylor swift eras tour, lovely day.

so a few more times the girl came and played in our garden even having a bbq with us (which her parents knew about)
Saturday just gone a mini fairground came to a local park I know her mom and dad work weekends so I offered to take her with us instead of spending it with grandparents.
they has rides, candy floss, toys you name it I treated my children and this girl exactly the same.

the child was so happy and when her mom knocked on our door the child even said it's been the best day ever.

today I was leaving to take the dog for a walk and her mom shouted at me to come over for a chat.
she told me I shouldn't be spending my husbands money (I'm a sahm) on her child as it makes her feel bad because both her and her husband work but don't have the spare funds.
this took me as a surprise and I said I'm sorry you felt this way and I wouldn't like her to feel that way.

my dog was pulling so I quickly left and she huffed back inside.
I want to go and speak to her again as it seemed so aggressive from her side. I must also add growing up I was also an only child who parents both worked so much and felt a little lonely. The child's mom doesn't know this but maybe it would help coming from also another child who grew up without siblings.

aibu to take her daughter to the fair and buy whatever she wanted? I never even asked for any money. I just wanted them all to have a good day.

This is such a sad post, unfortunately she sounds like she is bitter and taking it out on you which is incredibly unfair.
Whether you say anything else to her is upto you really, difficult to gauge without being there. I'd probably leave it, she's made her feelings known and its her issue really.
I'd just be really careful about inviting her child out if it's going to cost money so she doesn't feel awkward.

She's ashamed that she can't take your children out and repay the favour. I always feel ashamed when other parents do these things. I wouldn't react like that though.

whatever This woman’s issues she has just been nasty to someone who was kind to her child. I honestly can’t understand the previous posters who have defended this woman’s mad reaction to kindness. If she is sad, jealous, unhappy , whatever ? Just say no thanks when invited next, don’t attack someone for being bloody nice that is outrageous

I can see that now but at the time it was just a fun Saturday. We knew we was going to the fair and I wish she could've communicated better with me.

im really not the person who gives to receive her daughters friendship with my daughter is enough as they're the same age.
I just feel really hurt that I've done something wrong even though my intentions are good.

This.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your neighbour is totally in the wrong and I wasn't defending her... more just trying to offer some insight into her behaviour in case that makes you feel a bit better. I have been on the receiving end of other people's kindness towards my children and really appreciate it for them - but have felt guilty/ashamed. I've also been in a position to treat everyone on a day out and seen the look of shame my friend gave me and felt bad for that. It's a difficult one. I'd try and be glad their DC had a lovely day :) This is the neighbour's problem, not yours.

She said it, it came from her!

She's ungrateful.

I wonder what she thought would happen at the fair given she presumably gave her permission for her child to go. Did she expect her child to stand sadly by the sidelines watching your children have fun whilst she couldn’t go on anything or have any food or drink because she had no money? I can’t imagine anyone is naive enough to think fairs don’t cost money.

Yes, I agree with this - but on a thread about food banks and people complaining about getting own-brand goods, some posters insisted that we have to sympathise with this behaviour.

I don’t expect abject gratitude for treating another person’s child, but nor do I expect to be shouted at for treating the child as I did my own.

It sounds like it was a very uncomfortable exchange for both sides.

I would have another calm chat with her and clarify you'll clear everything with her parents first. They probably feel awkward they can't reciprocate. I bet she was trying to be gracious, and it just came across wrong. Especially if she was feeling like she was revealing a financial vulnerability to you. It takes a lot of guts that have a conversation like that.

And, please, please, please, whatever you do, don't speak to her about what it's like to have no siblings/be an only child and being lonely. After several years of secondary infertility and many pregnancy losses before having my second, if someone well meaning even tried anything like that, I would have seen red. Good intentioned or not because it would bring that pain to the forefront. You don't know why they only have a single child. There's many reasons for it. It would be very rude on your part and thoughtless to attempt a conversation from that point of view.

(Can you imagine what her thread would be like...?)

@AmiShitsaline yes, they might be company cars, but people on minimum wage don't get company cars.

@Helplessbeth YOU haven't done anything wrong, nothing!

They are probably not desperately hard up either (they live on your street, have 2x tessler cars etc) whether owned/rented/leases/company cars.

yes Col & Mortgages rates etc, things might be tight, but they're not on minimum wages!!

She was VERY rude to you. No excuse for it. As others have said, she sent her on a day out with you with no money, what did she expect you to do??

As for the comment about your husband's money 😳😳😳

is there a cultural difference at play here?

Just keep doing what makes you/your girls happy & ignore the woman as best you can. It's the little girl who would miss out on the friendship if you stop inviting her over/out.

Maybe your neighbour is a MN mum whose kids would be happy to just look at other kids having fun. Maybe she thinks she needs to return the favour. At least she isn't a cf and sending her kids to yours all the time for all the expensive activities

I would've stopped her after the "spend your husbands money" comment and told her to fuck right off.

It's bizzare, whatever her reason for it, whether its guilt or jealousy. She let her DD go in the first place, what did she think was going to happen at a fair? I wouldn't have let someone take my DD to a fair without making sure she went with her own money and if I couldn't afford that then I would decline the invite and make up an excuse.

Agreed

You were kind and she was bloody rude. Don't take her daughter out again. It's a shame, but the mother would only be nasty again.

I must also add growing up I was also an only child who parents both worked so much and felt a little lonely. The child's mom doesn't know this but maybe it would help coming from also another child who grew up without siblings.

No. That is so judgemental. She does not need you pitying her daughter because you've decided she must be lonely because her parents "failed" to provide her with siblings and a SAHP. I do wonder if the mum already knows that you look down on their parenting.

Let no good deed go unpunished, as they say.
I feel sorry for her child. 30 years ago I was a single parent, didn't have a pot to piss in. I would have been so happy if someone had treated my children to a nice day out which I couldn't possibly afford.
But then I wasn't poncing around in a brand new Tesla either!!!

Op you did nothing wrong.

As other PP mentioned your neighbour probably was overwhelmed by the fact she can’t provide those things or reciprocate. However, she was rude and should have accepted your kindness, specially if the gir was so happy.

I am quite sure that if you hadn’t bought her things and paid for the rides the mum would have complained too.

Your too nice I would fo back and suggest she takes the tesla back to the garage gets a Fiat 500 and uses the .only she saves monthly to the her daughter our. Dickhead

I don't pity her child at all. I just know personal experience what it's like to be an only child. My sister passed away age 5 from meningitis 20 years ago. I never once mentioned they failed her as she's a bright child who's an amazing friend to my daughter. I never once look down on parenting I only had good intentions taking their daughter out for the day while they worked. Maybe some kindness towards your way would be needed. I didn't do anything malicious apart from take her daughter out and gave her a good day. I'm only speaking as an only child myself I wish my weekends were full of fun instead of at my aunties house watching tv, where there is nothing wrong with this I just wanted to give her a day out with her friends (my children)

YANBU

That woman is jealous that you're a better parental figure to her daughter than she'll ever be

I’d be intrigued to know the tone of her as she said it. Was it from a ‘don't do that’ finger wagging place or a ‘we’re struggling and can’t pay it back to your child/ren’ place?
I know that if it were me I’d be trying to keep things even so as not to annoy you if my child really did like your girls and I wanted to keep the play dates going.

Badly phrased by the neighbour, but she probably feels bad that
*she has to work weekends and not spend that time with her daughter
*she is not able to afford expensive treat days like the fair with her daughter
*she would not be able to return the favour and treat your children in a similar way

Maybe stick to treats at home, like the Taylor Swift thing?

Completely get what you're saying but as I've mentioned I don't give to receive
from on I won't invite the daughter out just play dates at home.
I never meant to be nasty at all I feel guilty she felt this way.

I would just ignore her remarks. Completely ignore, and carry on as normal.