To wonder why my child isn't invited to the wedding?

[Flywiththebirds]

Bridesmaid to a dear friend next year, along with our other close friend. Each of us (bridesmaids) have a child each. Bride has invited our other friends child to the wedding but not mine? I just find it a bit odd to be honest. I understand people choosing not to have children at their wedding at all, but I find it really odd to invite one of your bridesmaids child and not the other? Id say we are also all close in the same way.

Just wondering if anyone else would feel a little strange about this?

The short answer is - she doesn’t want your child there. Maybe it’s the age of your children, maybe your other friend has childcare issues (single parent or something), maybe she’s god mother to the other child.

Tbh I’d be glad and have a better time childfree!

YANBU. If it were a child free wedding then fair enough but picking and choosing is rude unless there is an obvious objective reason eg family children or her kids is 6 days old.

In these circumstances, I'd say it's rude. Is your child significantly younger? Perhaps she has a cut-off age and wants to make sure your attention is focused on her rather than a baby/toddler. It's still quite rude, though.

There could be many reasons.

The age of your child

Your child’s past behaviour whilst in her presence

Her being closer to the other bridesmaids child

At the end of the day it’s her wedding and she can invite who she wants.

@ShirleyPhallus @Crabble

It's not an age issue. Our kids are all similar ages and I definitely appreciate people not wanting children at their wedding full stop but my child has asked me why they aren't invited 😭 when they know the other child is. I didn't really know what to say as I don't know why.

I quite honestly would rather the child free day to enjoy my friends wedding especially as a bridesmaid but it is now playing on my mind. There has been no reason given and I haven't asked but it has silently been noted now.

I think you should ask, it may just be a genuine mistake? Especially if children of a similar age are going.

In that case, I’d ask your friend. You don’t need to be difficult about it, but you should ask otherwise you’ll be stewing on it.

if she’s a good friend she’ll understand why you’re asking

Yes, just ask. Perhaps your other friend's child is only invited because she asked in advance for X reason. Have other children been invited?

@DaisyChain505

Kids are same ages, school age.

Neither are badly behaved children.

The whole 'its her wedding she can invite who she wants' just isn't a vibe that I would consider as a close enough friend to be a bridesmaid to. Sorry but no.

Are you sure your friend isn’t being a cf and has asked if her child can come to the child free wedding?

or she’s assumed kids can go and is wrong?

If you're close enough a friend to be a bridesmaid surely you're a close enough friend to just ask her?

You need to ask the bride.

Just ask.

I wouldn't be happy about this. I'm all for a child free wedding, but this isn't a child free wedding. Especially if you're all close. I would have to say something. If it sours me friendship, so be it. My loyalty would be to my child in this situation. Imagine the next gathering where the child is talking about the wedding and your child is just sitting there, knowing they were excluded!

I'd text the bride saying you thought it was a child free wedding but bridesmaid's child is coming? Clarify if your child is also invited.

Yanbu and you need to ask the bride. “Obviously not trying to cause trouble but I’m really curious about why X’s child has been invited but not mine. Is there a particular reason?”

Speak with the friend whose child has been invited to gage the actual circumstances (maybe they couldn’t come without the child due to childcare etc). It might be something of nothing and it’s mostly child free with exceptional circumstances . If you’re all super close I’m sure both friends would understand why you’re asking and it won’t be an issue.

But I would to put your own mind at ease try and find out why your child hasn’t been invited as this kind of thing if unresolved can really damage friendships. I’m sure there’s a perfectly valid reason why your child has been seemingly excluded and your friend would be mortified if you went on assuming it was something negative about your child.

Is the dad of both children attending the wedding

Dads

I think I'd ask tbh. There has to be a reason and you will feel better for knowing it.

It's not a vibe, it's a fact. She can invite or not invite absolutely anyone.

But I get your surprise and disappointment and loyalty to your child. It's fine to politely ask why. You'll still have to accept her choice, regardless, so brace yourself.

I would ask why my child wasn’t invited. You must be good friends to be her Bridesmaid.

I think its fair enough to ask, as long as you aren't defensive and accept whatever the reason is.

@justafleshwound2024

Of course I have to accept her choice regardless I don't have to feel comfortable with them though if I genuinely don't understand it, this type of thing does really affect friendships and she would also need to accept how I feel in return if its to affect our dynamic going forward.

Maybe she wants you to be free to do your bridesmaid duties and not be distracted by child? Or are any other bridesmaids children invited ?I think ask her if it's upsetting you