To wonder why my child isn't invited to the wedding?

[Flywiththebirds]

Bridesmaid to a dear friend next year, along with our other close friend. Each of us (bridesmaids) have a child each. Bride has invited our other friends child to the wedding but not mine? I just find it a bit odd to be honest. I understand people choosing not to have children at their wedding at all, but I find it really odd to invite one of your bridesmaids child and not the other? Id say we are also all close in the same way.

Just wondering if anyone else would feel a little strange about this?

Yes, absolutely fine to ask here but I rather meant herself guessing and feeling hurt instead of asking her friend.

Excellent!

That is really mean what she is doing op.

It is awkward but talk to bride. There has to be a reasonable explanation if she is not usually weird like this and children are similar age. There is no way bride just doesn't want your child there. She probably wants no children but it hasnt worked out for some reason.

Maybe it is a mix up and your child is invited, or other bridesmaid child isn't invited and that will become clear.

Maybe despite normally having babysitters available there is a specific issue with babysitter for date of wedding (family on holiday/hospital app/another wedding).

Maybe bridesmaids child caught bride off guard and asked to come.

Maybe bridesmaid child is going through something and will not be left with babysitters at moment.

Give bride benefit of the doubt and clear the air so that you aren't upset about it.

Did she actually tell you that your child is not invited? In my culture, if I invited a close friend to my wedding it would be implicit that their children are also invited. If your child is actually not invited I think this is very rude.

Do you think it could be a cost issue? Children are expensive at weddings and perhaps she had to make some cuts? If this is the case, she hasn't handled it in the most sensitive way by excluding your child but it is a genuine reason.

Fuck that. I’d step down.

I really feel you need to speak to your friend Op. It could be a misunderstanding, if it's not and she's chosen to allow the child of one bridesmaid and not the child of the other, that's not Ok and you have every right to feel aggrieved.

What about "i accept its entirely your choice, but can I ask if there's a reason you've invited x but not y?"

It could be a mistake.

Agree with you op. Just as she is entitled to do as she pleases. You're entitled to ask why.

Normal people / good friends try to make others comfortable when deciding on invites to things.

Are the kids different genders? Perhaps she wanted a little girl in a cute dress. Possibly a flower girl type for the photos?

Also if I'm close enough for her to ask me to be a bridesmaid surely I'm close enough for her to either tell me there is an issue with my child.

....and surely you are close enough to ask her.

Doesn't have to be confrontational or accusing - just "What's the crack with Bridesmaid 2's dc being invited and mine not ? Obviously understand if a wedding is childfree, but am a bit confused by the logic of 2 children same age, and same distance / closeness of relationship with one being asked an the other not."

I mean, be prepared for an awkward silence, but if you want to know, that's the only way you are going to find out. We can all only speculate.
You can ignore it and have a lovely childfree day supporting your friend, or, if it is bothering you so much, then you can ask her.

Is the bride the other child’s godparent? One of my friends had so many extended family & friends with children that she only invited nieces, nephews & godchildren as a way to keep numbers reasonable.

"but my child has asked me why they aren't invited 😭 when they know the other child is."

This. This is what you ask the bride.

You need an explanation before the wedding and so does your child. If you ask the other mother, she may feel stuck in the middle. Shell likely mention it to the bride, so you may as well ask her yourself.

Just tell her your dc asked why they were not invited, but the other child was. Then say you didn't know how to answer as you yourself don't know. (understand?)

You're good friends, so I think asking her what you should tell your child is reasonable. Though you'd think she would have, it may not have occurred to her that this would bother either of you.

Give her the chance to explain. Otherwise, it will continue to bother you and may affect your friendship in the future.

I would think this or Flower Girl.

Just ask her. It may be an oversight. There may be a good and acceptable reason. We don’t know - she does. Say: of course you accept her decision bla bla but you were wondering why … etc. How else could this get resolved? Just ask!

Yes its weird she's letting everyone else apart from you so you need to ask her why

I agree to ask politely and in a non confrontational way, a friend close enough to be a bridesmaid for will understand and want to clear the air. If there's a good reason you hadn't considered, you'll feel relieved and be able to tell your child. If you feel unhappy about the reason, it's still context for you.

In my friend groups we've had similar issues come up about whether partners are invited (ie I have a few friends who invited some of their friend's partners but not others). The main thing is having a clear rule you can explain to people: one friend only invited partners she had met; another had a small wedding and only invited the partner of one friend who wasn't part of a 'friend group' so would have been a bit on her own, etc. Even if you wouldn't have drawn the lines in the same way, reasonable people can understand the need to have a clear line and can see it's not personal. If it is personal, it's reasonable to be upset and more so with kids than partners IMO

Another vote for just asking her.
As the other bridesmaid child is attending, it isn’t a child free wedding so is your child invited too ? Just ask x

why on earth can't you ask her? You seem very close. MN won't know. she can tell you. just ask.

@Sapphire387 I haven't made a single drama of this. It hasn't been mentioned other than to strangers on the internet for a bit of advice and maybe differing view points. Also because I'm human and I feel off about it. Not everything we feel off about do we need to confront head on but sometimes we do need to offload and take on others views (providing they actually hold weight).

I would rather enjoy it but I know if it was me inviting a very close friend that I'm choosing to be in my wedding party rather than assume id give them choice (if the other bridesmaid was offered this) because she has also known my child their full life and my child asked why they aren't invited when said other bridesmaid child is. This highlighted it to me, then them discussing what other bridesmaids child would wear.

I think I have enough opinions now though to be able to have a think about it all.

Thanks everyone :) x

As you’ve said you’d rather have a child-free day anyway maybe that’s the reason?

A few years ago we were invited to a destination wedding. We were quite surprised to see quite so many kids there as ours hadn’t been on the invitation. My DH was best man and the couple had known our pre-teen kids since birth.

When my DH expressed his surprise at so many kids to the couple they said well we didn’t invite your kids as we knew you wouldn’t bring them anyway and would take the excuse for a weekend away without the kids. They were completely right! They did, however, invite kids where they thought not inviting them would cause an issue.

Maybe your friend just knows you really well? I wouldn’t assume anything negative.

You have to ask @Flywiththebirds or it will eat you up with wondering. Just ask casually why Priscilla is invited but Evangeline is not. And once you know you will be able to decide how you wish to proceed, until then everything is just speculation.

Ask.

She owes you an answer as a close friend. As a close friend you are entitled to ask. At least then you'll know.

Then you can decide what you wsnt to do about it.

Well noone can read your friends mind so cant tell you why, so just ask her. If you're as close as you say you are why are being such a drama queen about asking. Just ask! Sheesh.

Good grief. Just speak to her.