To wonder why my child isn't invited to the wedding?

[Flywiththebirds]

Bridesmaid to a dear friend next year, along with our other close friend. Each of us (bridesmaids) have a child each. Bride has invited our other friends child to the wedding but not mine? I just find it a bit odd to be honest. I understand people choosing not to have children at their wedding at all, but I find it really odd to invite one of your bridesmaids child and not the other? Id say we are also all close in the same way.

Just wondering if anyone else would feel a little strange about this?

Is the other child a girl? Is she being a flower girl?

Are you sure your child is not invited or that the other bridesmaid child is in fact invited? It's far too early to send out invites for a wedding next year. Ask your friend what the situation regarding children as guests is, that other bridesmaid said her child is invited so you're wondering if yours is too.

If you’re close enough to be a bridesmaid you’re close enough to pick up the phone and ask her.

Is the other BM’s child a girl and yours a boy? She could think that a girl will sit and watch dresses etc and a boy would run around causing problems.

not suggesting I think this btw, I have a girl and a boy and my ds would have happily sat still from the age of 3yo.

Maybe the other child's invited because the other bridesmaid picked up the phone, and asked if they could be?

Does she think you'd enjoy the child free time whereas the other bridesmaid won't?
Ask the Bride in private.

Why are you so aggressive to the op? Its weird

“Also if I'm close enough for her to ask me to be a bridesmaid surely I'm close enough for her to either tell me there is an issue with my child.”

Then you’re probably close enough to just ask her so it doesn’t play on your mind. Obviously it’s her prerogative to have whoever she wants there. I’d just ask if child is invited or not as you’re going to look for childcare, it doesn’t have to be awkward.

I don’t see that as aggressive, but I do find you going after posters and trying to control tone, as aggressive

I'd just ask her. Or maybe start with your friend as you say in case friend said to bride please invite child or I can't come. If nothing obvious there I'd just ask bride and say - totally appreciate it's your wedding, you can invite who you want, and I don't want to make things awkward, but just wondered why X is invited and Y isn't. See what she says. If she goes all squirmy and awkward I'd just jump in and say it's ok - don't worry about it. That probably means there's a good reason she hasn't invited your child. If it's e.g. because she was pushed into inviting other friend's child I'm sure she will tell you.

It's weird you find my posts aggressive.

Do you also see basic communication as 'confrontation'?

The OP simply needs to pick up the phone to her close friend. Mumsnet can't help if she won't.

You've said you'd rather enjoy the day in peace without your child, so I'm not sure why you want to make a drama of this. Perhaps at some point you've expressed that to her, before she was even wedding planning, or spoken generally about enjoying weddings more as a day out without the kids, or some such.

Does the other child have an active role? Flower girl etc?

I know it’s already been asked but is the other child a girl? And yours a boy? People often assume boys will be bored at weddings but girls will be so busy looking at dresses that they won’t be (not my opinion).

The only person who can answer this is your friend. It may be a oversight and if not, it would be interesting to know why. Some people are not who you think they are .....

I can understand why this is playing on your mind.

I suspect a genuine misunderstanding. Either your DC is invited but you haven’t been told, or the other bridesmaid has assumed that her child is coming when it’s not so. Either way, it might be a good idea to have a casual word with the bride along the lines of, “just to clarify, are non-family children invited? I need to sort out childcare if not”. If she says no, you can then warn her that the other bridesmaid has got the wrong end of the stick.

Surely if you're a bridesmaid you could just ask the bride. There could be a whole heap of reasons: the other BM may have asked if their child could attend, could have been an assumption on the bride's behalf that you would have a more relaxing time if your DC wasn't there, is the other BM's DH coming and yours isn't, so she has someone who can deal with childcare at the wedding?

I also don't subscribe to the whole "it's her wedding and she can invite who she wants" thing. Sometimes you invite someone out of a sense of duty.

She's a dear friend and you're her bridesmaid. Just ask her. It sounds like it's almost certainly crossed wires somewhere along the line.

It’s just weird that you just don’t ask her, instead of guessing.

I’d ask
i think it’s fine to say no kids at all (though newborns are a special case) but picking and choosing is not on.

I just cannot understand why you can't just ask your "dear friend" and instead are risking your friendship by imagining all kinds of things and making lots of assumptions.

Goodness me, just pick up the phone and ask her!

There are a multitude of possible reasons, but if she's a close enough friend for you to be a bridesmaid then she's close enough that you can ask such questions.....rather than letting it fester and potentially ruin your friendship.

I would just ring her with some reason to talk of the wedding .Then just ask casually " So Is it ok to bring Jamie ? " "Susie said her little girl was coming" then she will have to give an answer

I actually think it's perfectly sensible to ask on an anonymous forum before doing anything. It helps clarify your thoughts, and potentially be more open to the perspective of the other person. It helps to see if your thinking aligns with the majority or if you're unusual in your view. All of that can help you to form your question sensitively but clearly.

FWIW OP my immediate reaction would be hurt in your situation. It feels like a snub and I'd speak to the bride to clarify.

You really do need to work on your communication skills, because it’s not normal not being able to ask a ’dear friend’ a simple question.

I mean even your child has asked you why, and you should have said You know what, I have no idea why, but it’s a good question and I will find out for us!