AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

[GladCat]

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

Willyoujustbequiet

"I don't think anyone has advocated abandoning her. People have said the opposite."

ManilowBarry
"I'd never speak to her again."

Not attending the wedding doesn't equate to abandonment.

That's unlikely to be how the daughter views it.

Would you really want to give her husband any kind of ammunition to cut you off for good?

There's nothing in the OP to suggest that she intends to 'abandon' her daughter, or cut her off, or stop talking to her. I agree it might possibly feel like that to the daughter if her mother doesn't attend her wedding, but that doesn't mean that's what it is.

I only disagree with you in the part where you said “just be happy for your daughter, why can’t you be happy for her”.

no. Be there for her, support her, be available to her, attend the wedding if that will help, but be prepared, arm yourself with facts, etc in case it goes wrong.

Exactly

As other posters have said, @GladCat, going to the wedding g would demonstrate your love and support for your daughter, but if you don’t go, you will alienate her and push her away - and if she needs help and support in the future, there is a VERY real risk she won’t feel she can come to you for it.

I think you should look at the bigger picture, put your feelings aside, however reasonable you feel they are, and go to the wedding for your dd’s sake.

Do you want to risk losing your daughter?

I know, that's why I said it's common among "their social class", this is a subset of Emiratis - you need to be able to afford multiple wives if you want that which there means separate houses for them, cars, staff, allowance, etc. The wives usually only meet at joint family functions, vacations...

Even if the man is a billionaire and she gets a lavish lifestyle it often doesn't end well. Look at Princess Haya of Jordan - this gorgeous, young British-educated Oxford graduate for some unknown reason became the second wife of the ruler of Dubai. I know he's uber wealthy but she was hardly skint herself! It ended in divorce and he abducted her daughters - can't remember all the details but there was a British court case.

Your daughter is being very naive if she thinks a lavish lifestyle as the second, but not last, wife will be a happy one. There are loads of reasons why marriages fail, it's the luck of the draw no matter who you marry, but it starts with a handicap if there is already wife number one on the scene! And no matter the claims, there is great rivalry and resentment amongst the wives.

No I wouldn't go i'm afraid, and my daughter knows enough about my views on women's rights and my values, that she would probably not expect us to attend. We have disagreed about things before. I have always told them that it's ok to disagree on, sometimes, very big issues. It doesn't change how we feel about each other.

I would ALWAYS be there for my daughter, whatever she did. But attending would signal agreement and I couldn't do that.

Attending would signal that you could be counted on to show up for her in the UAE when she needed you. Which unfortunately is likely to be the case. It doesn't have to be a show of congratulations. He will see that she has not been isolated from her family, and she has support, which let's face it, she's going to need all the support she can get.

Not going is likely to put an end to any dialogue between you, and that's the opposite of what you need. I'd be on a plane out there asap to see what the fuck is going on for her to be honest. I'd do this for a friend, let alone my daughter.

This is a total shitshow and I do not envy your position OP, but whatever the reason your daughter has taken this path, and we will never really know why she's making such a wacky decision, you won't get the chance to go back and do it again. Err on the side of caution and think carefully about where not going will get you.

Never speaking to her again isn’t abandoning her?

He doesn't need ammunition. He's already chosen to subjugate her. Hardly a role model for future children.

I didn't say that. But I understand the frustration.

I would hope education is the way forward.

I don't disagree, but the DD is unlikely to see it that way.

She needs her mum - now more than ever. Choosing not to attend the wedding will just make the relationship even worse in the long run.

The OP can absolutely be there for her daughter regardless of the wedding. She does need her mum - to seek to try and protect her from her own choices. If it gives the daughter pause for thought, all the better.

When I lived in Egypt, I came across a lot of Western women who had married unsuitable Egyptian men, very often young feckless men who wanted a woman with a good income to look after them. Very often, their families disapproved, refused to come to the wedding and went low or no contact. As a result, the women were isolated in a foreign country. It meant they would put up with abuse and unhappiness because they were too proud to reach out to their families and admit it hadn't worked. I really don't agree with your dd's choice but you need to keep a good relationship with her for when it all falls to shit.

I would go. This will not end well. Show her you are there for her.

I wouldn’t go either. By my lights this isn’t actually a marriage, how can it be? It’s some sort of native tradition perhaps but that doesn’t make it mine, or legal in this country either. I don’t think you need to slavishly trot along to it to show your daughter you’ll be there to help pick the pieces up when she comes to her senses, I think your being there gives this archaic ceremony a false veneer of respectability it doesn’t actually merit. You can use your words to explain to your daughter how you will always love her and and want the best for her.

Quite

Actions speak louder than words.

You could tell your child serving a prison sentence you loved them until you were blue in the face. The proof would be visiting them.

Exactly.

I would worry her attendance is taken for approval.

In fact in the years to come when it all goes wrong the daughter may even resent the mother for not trying harder to stop her.

I just don't think the DD will see it that way.

Probably not.

But she will one day.

Maybe not, and for me, that would be too much of a risk to take with my child.

Yes I understand that completely, it's just I see her decision to marry in this context as more of a risk to her ultimately.

Hopefully I've hammered feminism into my dc enough that they never make such an idiotic choice!

Yeah hopefully. I don’t advocate complacency. Mine has never stopped surprising me.