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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

230 replies

GladCat · 20/05/2024 08:36

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

OP posts:
katebushh · 20/05/2024 11:15

Oh my god of course you should fucking go to your daughters wedding.

When and if it goes tits up she's never gonna come to you for support if you couldn't even turn up to the event.

Jesus. It isn't about you, you're supporting her not her wedding..

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 11:15

Of course you need to go - she's your daughter and she needs your support now more than ever..

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 11:25

I would be heartbroken that my daughter would think so little of herself that she is not equal to a man.

I absolutely would not go. I would implore her to reconsider but make it crystal clear she was loved and that she could always turn to you when the inevitable shit happens.

SilentSilhouette · 20/05/2024 11:30

aridiculousargument · 20/05/2024 09:32

Must be comforting to be this naive

I'm not naïve.

I'm someone who is stronger from making mistakes in the past and would have resented my parents if they'd judged me rather than just accepted my decisions even when they didn't like them.

If their daughter says she is happy then they need to trust her.

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 11:33

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 11:25

I would be heartbroken that my daughter would think so little of herself that she is not equal to a man.

I absolutely would not go. I would implore her to reconsider but make it crystal clear she was loved and that she could always turn to you when the inevitable shit happens.

By not going, surely you're doing the total opposite of supporting her and being there for her?

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 11:37

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 11:33

By not going, surely you're doing the total opposite of supporting her and being there for her?

No. The opposite.

It's not supporting a turkey to show up at the slaughter house at Christmas.

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 11:40

@Willyoujustbequiet I completely disagree with you - if my mum had refused to attend my wedding that would probably have been the end of our relationship, tbh.

BIossomtoes · 20/05/2024 11:43

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 11:40

@Willyoujustbequiet I completely disagree with you - if my mum had refused to attend my wedding that would probably have been the end of our relationship, tbh.

I disagree too. It would never have occurred to my mum to refuse, just as it would never occur to me.

alfagirl73 · 20/05/2024 11:50

Please go to this wedding; as others on here have said, it is important to show your DD that you will be there for her if she needs to get out of this marriage and/or indeed, the country.

If she has embraced the culture, has done her research and is happy with this set-up, then that is her choice and if she has a wonderful life that she enjoys then good for her. But while she might be fine, there are many women in such marriages who are living in fear and misery, many of which thought it was all good before they were married.

The thing is that it's not always as it seems and this arrangement with polygamy sounds like it leans more towards the traditional/Saudi type of lifestyle, which would be very concerning. Check out the numerous cases of girls/women trying to escape the country and you will see what I mean. Check out the similar stories regarding women/girls trying to escape Dubai and their families there - especially the more wealthy families. Wealth and luxury does not mean that a woman avoids misery, prison, torture or being murdered on the whim of her husband.

It seems very much that if, as a wife, you do as you are told and don't rock the boat, then yes, you can have a nice and quite luxurious lifestyle. But if you don't do as you are told, don't follow the rules and/or your husband decides he simply doesn't like you anymore... things can go very badly very quickly. I would be extremely wary of bringing children into the mix and your DD really needs to think carefully about what might happen if things go pear-shaped - with or without children.

Your DD must make sure she has separate financial arrangements of her own and ensure she has sufficient independence and freedom so that she can get out if she needs to. It is not just a case of ending the marriage if it's not working out... there is a lot more to it... not least the "honour" element which is where things can get scary.

In addition - where there are multiple wives, it's not always the case that the previous wife is happy with the next one... they just don't have a choice and while some may well be okay with it, many of them just do as they are told - which is - accept it and don't kick up a fuss to avoid the consequences of resisting the arrangement.

I am usually of the mindset that if someone is an adult then they make their own decisions and it is not for you to have any say; however, in this case, the key is for there to be an escape plan in place IF it becomes necessary and for your DD to have means and ways to escape and contact details for the relevant authorities if she needs to get out of there. If it goes well for her, great, but too many women in these countries find themselves in extremely dangerous situations - and the danger cannot be overstated.

WaltzingWaters · 20/05/2024 11:52

I know you e said she’s aware of the customs out there, but just go over again the impact this will have on her. When they have children and when she realises what a stupid mistake she’s made she will not be able to return to the uk with the children. She’ll be stuck there forever. What about when he decides he wants wife number 3? No amount of money is worth this.
I would try to make her see that she’s entering into a misogynistic and abusive culture and she’ll be stuck in this forever.

Of course at the end of the day she’s an adult and if she still wants to enter into this that’s on her. Give her the facts. Tell her you’re not happy about it. Really make her think about it. But tell her you love her and will always be there for her. I would still attend to support her, and to have a relationship with any grandchildren you’ll end up with, but let her know you support her and always will but not her decision.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 11:52

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 11:40

@Willyoujustbequiet I completely disagree with you - if my mum had refused to attend my wedding that would probably have been the end of our relationship, tbh.

We will have to agree to differ.

I do think though that there were instances in my family growing up that I thought my mum was entirely unreasonable and unsupportive. With the wisdom of age and I'd like to hope maturity, I can grudgingly accept that she was right - as I've been able to see things from her perspective now I'm a mum.

I have no doubt that the daughter will ultimately regret her decision but it's her mistake to make. It doesn't mean that a mum should support her bad choices. In fact to my mind in a situation like this she wouldn't be doing her duty as a loving parent if she did.

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 12:08

@Willyoujustbequiet I don't see attending the wedding as supporting a bad choice - I see it as supporting her daughter even though she disagrees with her.

The last thing she needs is her mum refusing to attend and a massive wedge being driven between them by her new spouse saying "your mum doesn't love you because she didn't do X".

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 12:22

I'm afraid we will never agree. The situation described by the OP is so fundamentally against my beliefs I would view it as being asked to be complicit in a crime. And indeed I would see my daughter as the victim of the crime. I couldn't do it to her.

Truetoself · 20/05/2024 12:30

I wonder if she js able to get married without her father being present. Isn't the contract between the father and the groom?

whatsitcalledwhen · 20/05/2024 12:39

If she's planning on having children with him at some point in the future I really hope she fully understands that she will have little to no chance of moving out of the country she lives in now should she want to, unless she was willing to leave her child behind.

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2024 12:43

SpringleDingle · 20/05/2024 10:58

I'd go and make it totally clear to her that I am on her side, come what may. I'd be happy for her because right at this moment this is what she thinks she wants. However in the back of my head I'd be there so she knows I am here for her when it all goes Pete Tong!

Why would you be happy for her?

I'd be devastated

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2024 12:45

When is it ok to disagree/disapprove of your adult children's choices? And to be honest about it?

aridiculousargument · 20/05/2024 13:00

SilentSilhouette · 20/05/2024 11:30

I'm not naïve.

I'm someone who is stronger from making mistakes in the past and would have resented my parents if they'd judged me rather than just accepted my decisions even when they didn't like them.

If their daughter says she is happy then they need to trust her.

This is not about making mistakes and learning from your lessons. I came to the UK by myself at 19 and I learned some HARD lessons, I have not lived a sheltered life.

this is about losing access to your children.
this is about being a second class species. About being beholden to your husband and his wishes.
and worse.
it may all go well. But if it doesn’t, it’s not a matter of calling Women’s Aid/running to a safe place/having legal recourse. It’s a completely different ballgame.
is it worth running this risk?

by all means, marry anyone - somewhere where you have legal protection.

ManilowBarry · 20/05/2024 13:02

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 12:22

I'm afraid we will never agree. The situation described by the OP is so fundamentally against my beliefs I would view it as being asked to be complicit in a crime. And indeed I would see my daughter as the victim of the crime. I couldn't do it to her.

She's not a victim. She's see the lifestyle of wealth and is more than happy to cast her morals aside to enjoy that wealth and be a part of a culture that has a despicable record foe human trafficking.

I'd never speak to her again.

CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 13:02

aridiculousargument · 20/05/2024 13:00

This is not about making mistakes and learning from your lessons. I came to the UK by myself at 19 and I learned some HARD lessons, I have not lived a sheltered life.

this is about losing access to your children.
this is about being a second class species. About being beholden to your husband and his wishes.
and worse.
it may all go well. But if it doesn’t, it’s not a matter of calling Women’s Aid/running to a safe place/having legal recourse. It’s a completely different ballgame.
is it worth running this risk?

by all means, marry anyone - somewhere where you have legal protection.

Absolutely.

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 13:03

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2024 12:45

When is it ok to disagree/disapprove of your adult children's choices? And to be honest about it?

There's a difference between disagreeing and choosing to isolate your daughter even further, though.

She's in a risky situation and removing any kind of parental support is just going to make it worse. You don't have to agree with someone to be there for them.

SilentSilhouette · 20/05/2024 13:05

aridiculousargument · 20/05/2024 13:00

This is not about making mistakes and learning from your lessons. I came to the UK by myself at 19 and I learned some HARD lessons, I have not lived a sheltered life.

this is about losing access to your children.
this is about being a second class species. About being beholden to your husband and his wishes.
and worse.
it may all go well. But if it doesn’t, it’s not a matter of calling Women’s Aid/running to a safe place/having legal recourse. It’s a completely different ballgame.
is it worth running this risk?

by all means, marry anyone - somewhere where you have legal protection.

I know all that, but how will abandoning her daughter help? It'll make things even worse if/when it all goes wrong.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 13:07

ManilowBarry · 20/05/2024 13:02

She's not a victim. She's see the lifestyle of wealth and is more than happy to cast her morals aside to enjoy that wealth and be a part of a culture that has a despicable record foe human trafficking.

I'd never speak to her again.

You're right of course. Looking at it from that perspective I can't disagree.

I'd be devastated if this was my child.

CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 13:10

This thread got weird as they always do. Please don't stop speaking to your DD! In fact speak to her more.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2024 13:17

SilentSilhouette · 20/05/2024 13:05

I know all that, but how will abandoning her daughter help? It'll make things even worse if/when it all goes wrong.

I don't think anyone has advocated abandoning her. People have said the opposite.

Not attending the wedding doesn't equate to abandonment.