Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Sounds like maybe you two are deferring to a child parent communication style

@Dancehalldarling I've read through your responses and the ones you've quoted and I agree with DoubleeDenim, Misskatamari and Danceswithbadgers.

Just to add another point on this, all these behaviours are meant to show how considerate and kind she is, but making you come out of your way on your way home from work in your child free time which you probably don't have enough of and constantly touching you when you've expressed you don't like it is actually very inconsiderate.
I agree with whoever it was who said it's more about fulfilling her needs through you than genuinely caring for you.
How she responds to your request for space may be quite revealing, she may get pushy for the time to be ended after a while.

Crikey OP, after all what you've told us about her I can't believe she's just said 'OK'. Nah, that's not going to happen I'll bet. Prepare yourself. I'm not saying this to be neggy but she'll probably want to know how much space/time you want, if it's permanent etc. To be fair, wouldn't you? I'm on your side though.
If you don't end it now, you'll probably soon wish you did.

I'm guessing this woman is the reason for your "then best friend".

Please do not ever let her anywhere near your DC. She's dangerous.

Fellow lesbian here.

This isn't healthy and you know it. It would have been totally creepy if you'd actually found an adult woman behaving like this acceptable or attractive. Hell knows what's happened to encourage her to think that this is the way to behave in an adult relationship, but it's unlikely to be something she's going to be able to overcome without a lot of help.

If something as basic as going shopping or changing the temperature in the car turns into a drama with her as mum and you as the little princess, life is going to be unbearable.

If you don't want to end it immediately then show her this thread and go with her to a therapist for some couple counselling. She clearly needs help. Personally, I'd run. I don't want to be someone's princess and I don't want someone pawing at me all the time. Boundaries are important.

Oh ick ick ICK!!!

I assume as you have kids you're not 3?

Ick.

This is giving me horrible flashbacks to when my best friend was in a relationship that started off just the same way. Her gf was constantly touching her, checking she was OK, doing so much for her whilst at the same time she manipulated my BF to not see any of her other friends and subtley changed my friends behaviour to suit her. One example that stands out is my BF gave up wearing perfume because her girlfriend accused her of wearing it to attract other people.

Please, please be careful, OP. She's being nice for now but I would brace yourself for texts about not being able to live without you.

If you find yourself being drawn back in OP then remember this - you have children and can choose to be single for a while rather than in a relationship with someone you know chooses to remain friends with criminals, including murderers.

Even with all the other (absolutely manipulative, coercively controlling) concerning behaviour, don't you think they deserve not to be exposed to someone who makes those kind of choices?

She shouldn't even be in their orbit and she is for as long as you don't cut her out of your life.

Use that to fuel your determination to end this toxic, emotionally abusive relationship

Aaaah, she's totally in lurve with you!! Still annoying though 😂I'd sit her down and explain how it makes you feel and why. If she really can't chill her beans, maybe you'd both be better suited with other people.

She needs to heal her anxious attachment.
Caused by her childhood trauma.
This is hard and can take a while.
It's is smothering and annoying but there are deep seated reasons.

I havne't read the whole thread, but follow the 'holistic psychologist' on instagram. She talks a lot about how trauma impacts how people are in relationships and helps you understand that it is not your responsibility to heal your partner's trauma.

I think this is realy important to understand.

She may be behaving the way she is due to trauma. She may have been abused in the past and you may feel a huge amount of sympathy for that.

But it is not your responsibilty to heal her, and if her behaviour negatively effects you, it is OK to walk away.

Exactly. Not only is it not your responsibility to heal her trauma, you couldn't do it anyway.
My ex was very damaged from a difficult childhood. It had a profound effect on him and his view of the world. In the end he became an alcoholic and we split up. It's sad but there's nothing I could do for him. He was destroying my life as well as his.

*She may have been abused in the past and you may feel a huge amount of sympathy for that.

But it is not your responsibilty to heal her, and if her behaviour negatively effects you, it is OK to walk away.*

This is such important advice.

This!!! ☝

Space invader! This would drive me insane. I’d feel exactly the same. Would irritate me so much. I’m feel irritated just reading your post.

Sounds like you have the ick

Are you much older than her and she’s treating you like a mum?

It comes across as a bit smothering and even possibly softly to start controlling.

stand firm and if ir doesn’t last then you know where you stand.

She's not being controlling she's being smothering.

To me it just sounds like she isn’t your person. She’s not doing anything wrong, but it’s not right for you.

I wonder if it’s from her childhood or previous relationship , I know here we go.. lol.
But to me it’s symptomatic of a childhood where if she hasn’t done things correctly or quickly enough or helped enough, she’d be shouted at loudly or hit .
Also was she lacking in attention herself from parents and others.
Are these things she likes to be done to her
so she does then to you?
Was she from a big family or family where another or parents were ill or something so she didn’t get much attention.

Just an idea . Doesn’t mean you can’t finish with her, it might help you to understand where it’s from. Then see if by understanding you can discuss it and help lessen it.

what does she like?

Tell her you need a serious talk. She probably thinks she's being extremely kind to you, not realising it's suffocating. At least give her a chance to change.

Personally, I think you should end the relationship. She is far too controlling and I would urge you not to end it privately. Make sure there are other people around. Also she's giving me stalker vibes,so watch out for her following you etc. Good luck and always trust your gut. Your intuition is screaming at you to get out.

Then it turns in to Baby reindeer 😂