Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

OP, I felt sick reading your posts. I could have written them about my ex. I also had the same moment when the scales fell from my eyes and I realised I was in a relationship with someone who had manipulated me at every turn.

I warn you, when I asked for space I got bombarded with messages about how great space was, how i was so right, it was just what we needed. I even got a bunch of flowers and a card thanking me for the space. It was not space.

However his behaviour over the "space" thing made breaking up easy.

Good luck! If you want to DM me please do, as someone who has been through this.

She seems to treat you like a child, is she quite patronising? This would annoy me greatly!

I totally agree that your message to her was very strange and giving her completely mixed signals. I actually think the co-depedency has already started.

Oh Dear @Dancehalldarling The text you sent her is, to be honest, but kindly, not any help to you at all. No way is she going to give you space for more than a day or two.

I'm beginning to be worried about you too, following your most recent posts. You really should rip off the plaster now. You really don't want your children having anything to do with this woman.

It does sound like you are already in a co-dependant relationship and you are going to struggle to escape from it. You can kind of see that in your most recent posts especially. Please put you and your children first and take some positive action to 'escape' this relationship

You will make it worse if you send her into a state of anxiety and insecurity. She'll be less able to cope with the break up when it comes. I would follow up tomorrow with a breaking up message. You've given her a heads up now and it's going to be torture for her until you give her clarity.

I listened to a really interesting talk on boundaries the other day by a psychotherapist whose work I appreciate.

He talks about boundaryless people as those who a) have no capacity to protect themselves b) are dependent on others to think of well of them, if they are to think well of themselves - which is probably why your GF tries to meet your needs so expediently, thinking (even subsconciously) it will increase her standing in your eyes c) in order to regulate and not be upset by negative thinking, she is dependent on your opinion to 'right herself' - so when you do something or say something that isn't positive, she has to chase you down to 'right it'. She can't leave it alone.

What fuels all this is often self-esteem and abandonment issues.

Would the people criticising the OP be as critical if she was in an abusive relationship with a man instead of a woman?

Anyone who has ever been inn an abusive relationship knows how difficult it can be to leave one. Because along with the abuse there are also the good times, and sometimes the abuse can be blurred by those.

Most people do love their abusers, however hard it is to admit that. It’s only with time that they can sometimes see the situation for what it is.

And let’s not forget how many women go back to their abusers, time and time and time again.

So while I absolutely wish that the OP would just send her a message telling her it’s over and then block her, sometimes people don’t behave in the way the Mumsnet collective think they should. That doesn’t make them wrong, it just means that things are difficult sometimes.

Hopefully it stays that easy.

my main takeaway from experiencing abuse is that you learn to feel responsible for other people’s moods and feelings. It absolutely warps your sense of self. Until a victim recognizes that about themselves and learns to recognize when they are starting to fall into that sort of pattern, it is going to impact every relationship in their life, not just romantic relationships.

Learning that there is a difference between being supportive and helpful vs internalizing every burden the person faces is difficult.

Also sometimes people just need time to absorb and prepare for action. This is a very recent post. To be honest I think op has been quite open and receptive to the opinions and advice. You can’t expect a person to fire from the hip just because a whole lot of online randoms are advising it. It’s a thread to people on here; it’s an actual situation with a real person involved to OP. Give her time.

I had a flatmate like this - not even a relationship, and it drove me up the wall.

I agree it's a form of insecurity and neediness - not that that excuses it, and it is controlling behaviour. The person needs to be liked and to show they're a good and helpful person - but doesn't care at all about the other person and refuses to take on board they're being annoying. They're ultimately totally selfish but make you feel bad because they're "trying to be nice". They do it because it works on some people and they'll end up with someone who tolerates it - others will put their foot down. To be fair, she probably won't have a full understanding of it herself. She can't bear rejection and this is how she handles it. That doesn't mean you have to put up with it though.

After a dysfunctional and abusive childhood with no clear boundaries, I used to get sucked in by these types in my youth. I learned to edge away from them at the first sign of it. It's a relief when you do.

That would get me to screaming pitch, I would feel overwhelmed and suffocated. At best it sounds highly irritating and at worst it sounds as if she is trying her best to insinuate herself into every aspect of your life from what you are doing and with whom through to how you are feeling.

Jesus wept! and if he did, she'd no doubt get a tissue out to mop up his tears.

The first few don’t sound controlling - smothering , yes - but more about her caring for you and trying to please you and based on that I was going to say that she’s just being caring and maybe she feels more for you than you do for her .

However , the last two - always wanting to see you and not liking your friends - do scream as red flags . It could be that she is too dependant on you and just desperately wants to be your everything but it also could be alienating you .

My husband is like this ( not the concerning parts - he doesn’t want to just always be with me, or hate my friends ) but he is extremely attentive - physical touch is definitely his ‘love language’ and I love it! But that’s because I feel the same .

My ex was like it ( although also the concerning parts too - he always wanted to be with me , he tried to put me off my friends and was very jealous of them . It ended with an assault and a restraining order but that came after I ended the relationship ) but I hated the attentiveness! It just used to irritate me , because I never felt the same as he did and I just found it smothering and annoying !

I agree with this.

She sounds terrifying. Next thing you know she'll be breaking your legs so you can't get away.

@OneNiftyPoet you have just given me scenes from the film Misery 😅

This! My husband has a lot of trauma and is a people pleaser to the point of fawn at times. HOWEVER he has had years of therapy and does every he can to accept that his issues are his and should not be impacting others. Would she be open to a blunt conversation?

I appreciate all view, good and bad, on the message I’ve sent. There were obviously some texts about the situation prior to the one I’ve shown, it wasn’t just an out of the blue message. I’ve not posted them all for obvious reasons.

im going to leave the thread now, but will update with any relevant information/threats/drama. All is quiet at the moment. Feeling quite sorry for her! And sad myself but I know it’s for the best.

It sounds as though she’s trying to infantilise you to make you feel like you can’t do anything for yourself and so you feel you’ll “need” her for everything. She manipulatively sulks when you want some breathing space. I would have dumped her long before now personally.

@Dancehalldarling reading your post reminded me of another one I'd read which may well have started in a similar way to yours, with the distancing from friends and family, making you think you can't do things for yourself. The op in this post is trying to get away, and finding it quite difficult as they are married and have a child together, and though not read any updates for a while I really hope she did. I don't imagine it will take too much for your gf to go from fawning to criticising.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4843143-advice-please-coercive-control?page=8&reply=133619735

I’m a lesbian. RUN!
That’s way too much and as many have said the ‘love bombing’ is often the start of controlling.
if she genuinely cares for you, she’ll give you the space you need

I would guess she is someone who only sees value in herself if she is doing things for others. But it would be a massive turn off for me.

This, this, this!

When you got to the bit about her constantly touching you - I could feel my skin crawl!

Run, run fast and don't look back.

It sounds like you’ve got the ick. All of it sounds quite over the top and smothering, which would definitely overwhelm me.

Your last two points (wanting to see you every day and sulking, and not liking you seeing your friends) are the controlling bits.

The number one massive blazing red flag is she doesn’t like your friends or you going out with them. Any lovely reasonable person would be able to get along and be pleasant to your friends for your sake, presumably people you’ve chosen because they are nice decent people. It’s not hard to just get along with a few nice mates. In 10 years time, you’ll be going to a wedding, will she stay at home? It’s your birthday party, can she be in the same room as X and X? Just on this level, not getting on with people will be a massive pain in the arse. You want someone who you can enjoy going to stuff with because she makes friends with people you introduce her to. This is leaving aside all the controlling stuff which has probably been well covered