Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Dear me, she sounds exhausting. I'm sure that this is all meant with good intentions but then that's what the road to Hell is paved with.

Just wondering what being a lesbian has to do with 'genders'? Surely being a lesbian means that you're female and it's to do with your sexuality and gender is - well I'm not sure what it is but it's nothing to do with being a lesbian!

Oh NO, no, no, no!! This is not right at all, I think you need out of this suffocating and creepy relationship!

Well I think she sounds lovely. Perhaps you two need a little break from each other.

Are you for real?

Whats 'lovely' about someone who sulks if they can't see you that day, who hates all your friends and gets sulky and horrid about you spending any time with them, who can't respect any of your personal boundaries?

This woman isn't lovely, she is overbearing and controlling.

I think you should dump her, she sounds crazy as hell. But do recommend her if you hear of anyone looking for a butler.

I think she needs a pet or three.

Can I just make a comment about love languages?

It is supposed to be about understanding other people better, and about improving communication. It is very much a 2 way thing, not about saying 'I need' but rather about saying 'what does the other person need, or why don't they respond when I do x?' They can be really useful.

So in this context, understanding that she likes physical touch is fine. If OP wants to show her affection, then doing it with physical touch will make her feel loved. BUT and this is pretty important, it also means the partner understanding that not everyone likes physical touch and so she needs to rein it in. And learning what is OP's love language, and then showing OP love in a way which communicates to her.

This idea of - I need touch so it is ok to be smothering with touch - is just pure selfishness and not helpful at all.

you are describing my life so well, but I didn’t cut and run when I should have and now after many years I live with someone who watches me all the time, who asks where I am going every time I stand up, sometimes it’s just to make a cup of tea or go to the bathroom, who literally puts their hand out to bar the way and wants me to touch it before I’m let by. Who is relentless if they want something I don’t want, going on and on until I give in. It’s definitely a controlling thing. I’m used to it but doesn’t mean I like it.

Gosh... this reminds me of an ex. Constantly pawing at me. I couldn't even watch TV without his face appearing in front my face, either wanting constant kissing or cuddling. Drove me bonkers. Good luck moving forward, OP x

Based on what you've written here, I have diagnosed her with BPD - waif variant. Some of it is so recognizable to me from similar personalities I've encountered over the years. The poor woman, but it is not behaviour I could bear, especially the flicking of the eyes to see your reaction every few seconds as you watch a movie, or tv. Super needy, disguising her need as care and concern for you, and smothering and infantilising you in the process.

@Dancehalldarling Run for the hills! Back away from this relationship NOW before she drives you completely insane. This is not normal behaviour or anything like it. You need to speak to her and clearly outline that suffocating someone like this, is totally inappropriate in a relationship. Tell her straight for her own sake in the kindness possible way. She sounds both insecure and immature, but it's not your job to fix her.

This is chilling. Are you not able to get out of it?

Get out of this now seriously….

My first impression was that she absolutely adores the OP and is also pretty insecure and inexperienced. This could be worked on in therapy, unless this behaviour really is pathological and stalkerish. As most contributors seem to think. She’s bringing about the very thing she fears the most.

Oh dear it sounds as if she is confusing maternal and old fashioned husbandly care with how to show love. A natural instinct misplaced. Very difficult.
It is one kind of behavior which terrifies me and makes me escape because we all want to be responsible adults not weak useless women or incapable children. I imagine few wives ever liked being infantilised as it’s rubbish.
Her seeing you as being weak and needy makes her feel strong. You’ll have to have a serious talk with her .. perhaps have a code word that when she starts acting like that, can be said, and she will stop. And perhaps you will laugh about it. Of course both of you should be looking after each others welfare but in a grown up respectful way. I’m sure she’ll get it.

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Someone asked unthread why it was relevant that this was a lesbian relationship. Having read alot of the answers it is obvious to me. Pisters are a lot more supportive and gentle to an oppressive woman than they would be to a man. If the op had been talking about a man everyone would be saying LTB and no excuses. Interesting!

It's interesting because men and women are different. And a relationship between 2 women doesn't have the same power imbalance as a relationship between a man and a woman. That's just blatantly obvious.

Does she feel secure in the relationship? I know someone who is quite a feisty person and because of that her partner is always flappy/clingy/over-attentive - I think he is always feeling like he's going to be in trouble if he's not. If you have a similar dynamic just affirming them might mean they chill out a bit. Similar to me and my partner, I'm pretty independent so at first, he was a bit flappy/clingy to try and make sure he had space in my life, but when I was more affirming and carved out regular time/space for him (as well as space for me and the things I like to do independently) he's chilled out a bit. Could it be something that could be fixed with a little communication? - in conversations about boundaries it can be helpful to talk about what you are willing to put in, as well as what is off-limits to them, so they don't feel pushed away. With my ex I never talked about what I was willing to put in, only what was off-limits and in hindsight I've realised I didn't want to put anything in and probably never should have been with them. Legitimately controlling people are another kettle of fish though and that is really something they need to fix within themselves if they aren't able to stop demanding unreasonable things even after reassurance that you want them in your life.

"she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them"
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lol but it might have a different power imbalance based on something else

What is the power imbalance you assume between all men and women in a relationship?

Please leave :(

No it isn’t blatantly obvious. Nor is it true. There can be a power imbalance in any relationship.

I would tell her that your love language is having personal space. I would hate the pawing.