Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

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This is obsessive and controlling. Bail, she won't ease off.

Sounds like you're got the ick .. this relationship bit going to last

I ticked YABU, just for why the heck are you in such an unhealthy relationship when you have a young child?

There is something emotionally wrong with either one or probably both of you.

You've already mapped out her responses to your actions/ demands/ comments. You've already clocked her unhealthy responses. And yet you choose to continue to play her and play out an unhealthy relationship.

So you are potentially guilty of abuse and exploitation.

Whatever you want or don't want, she'll do.

Whatever she does to try and appease you - you sneer, find it irritating - and yet allow her to continue in unhealthy behaviours, pleasing you.

If you genuinely think it's ALL HER displaying unhealthy behaviour, end the relationship right now. You have a young child who should be your focus.

But it sounds like both of you need counselling support. Preferrably so you can break out of these sickening, emotionally abusive, patterns.

Trying to do everything for you to show how much she loves you. Doesn’t want you to see anyone else as scared they’ll take your attention.
sounds like she’s terrified of losing you, so going way over the top. Sadly this will push you away, understandably. Sounds like she could do with a bit of counselling If she can’t address this herself.

I think you need to sit down with her and make it clear that it's too much, you want to be treated as an equal not as someone 100% dependant on the other. Tell her it's getting too much and of it doesn't stop the relationship will have too. You wna to too work but unless cha he's at emade it can't.

Has she had a bad experience in previous relationships?

Although there are several red flags, she sounds like a friend of mine who has very low self esteem and no confidence and is a people pleaser. If her partner doesn’t reply or is busy she gets very anxious and acts very needy and clingy.

if you get time google attachment styles, it makes for interesting reading

. If you feel you have a future, maybe couples therapy to address the issues. She obviously cares about you a lot, but it’s lot to deal with.

good luck

I couldn’t go out with someone like that. I’m not sure it’s controlling, but it is suffocating. I’ve broken up with guys in the past for similar behaviour.

if your best friend doesn’t like her Id see that as a MASSIVE red flag. If I’d paid attention to my best friend’s views of my ex I would have wasted a lot less time. She’s your bestie for a reason.

OMG that is wayyyy over the top, it’s ridiculous

Sulking and getting emotional, hurt and ‘offended’ when someone doesn’t do what you want them to do (in this case for e.g. sack off their friends because you don’t like them or let you fondle them when they’re not enjoying it) is definitely controlling behaviour.

It’s effective precisely because it’s way less obvious than saying – ‘you must do what I say’. It’s emotional manipulation and pressure to comply.

You’ve got the ick!

It sounds like she has an anxious attachment style and you have an avoidant one. It’s a really common dynamic in couples.

Run, quickly - now.

Yes, exactly: it does sound like a relationship dynamic problem.
Also if you have been giving the relationship second thoughts lately, maybe a hypersensitive anxious person like who you describe could pick up the vibe and intensify her already clingy behavior, which in turn could trigger you to be even more avoidant.
I'm sorry you are in this situation, I hope you can find a healthy way out for both of you: good luck 🍀

It does sound like it's all about her. She does all these things (some of which are nominally trying to be kind and caring towards you) because she wants to / needs to, without any real thought for what you actually want / need.

Red flags all over this....trust me, this is just the start of things to come if you let it happen... Ever heard of coercive behaviour??? Please, be very careful

This lot would seriously give me the ick. Just back the hell up woman. I vote dump tbh. People like this rarely change.

Do me a favour. I lived in South London most of my adult life and managed never to be surrounded by crims & ex-cons. As for North London being a vastly different cultural environment - seriously? Is that river the Thames or the Styx, and are there no bridges?!

You can be surrounded by dodgy people anywhere you like. All it takes is a shared world-view, and you will find each other.

aside from the decorating, she sounds awful

She sounds annoying. Get rid.

I voted YABU because I don't understand why you are still in a relationship with her? It sounds like she annoys you intensely and you dont like her very much. So I think YABU not to just end it.
I also agree that she is way OTT and controlling by the way, and it would annoy me too.

If you’re already countering your own needs with ‘but she’ll be upset with me” I think you might need to put some (lots of) distance between you both. That does not sound healthy at all. Re-read your responses and ask yourself if you’d give the same advice to someone in this situation.

Yes, it’s definitely not a healthy relationship. You are doing the right thing, but if you are feeling kind, spell out exactly why you are finishing things, so that she can change things up in her next relationship - or seek therapy.

This relationship sounds quite claustrophobic. Lay down your boundaries and if that doesn't work perhaps you need to call it a day.

It's one thing being thoughtful and helpful - it's quite another being completely controlling and overbearing. I am not surprised that you are losing patience - it would drive me mad. Perhaps someone else, of a very needy disposition, might find this "mothering" attractive, but most people would find it stifling.

It sounds like your are finding it very stressful having to contain you growing irritation, so I think it is probably time to back out of this relationship as it will eventually affect your health.

(As others have already said, her dislike of your friends - and their dislike of her - and her constant sulking is a good indicator that something is not right).

This is all too much. I am surprised you two are still together.