AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

I agree there's been a real change in the way we socialize. My parents regularly had couples round for dinner, or they went to theirs.

We socialize, but it's more going out for meals & drinks with friends, and if I meet up with friends 1 - 1 it tends to be in a coffee shop. This is all nice, but if I invite people round to mine they invariably cancel, which upsets me. These people don't tend to invite friends round though, so maybe it's not the 'done' thing now, which I find a bit sad. 🤔

I've stopped inviting people after several instances of preparing food, tidying etc fior them not to turn up! They seem far more comfortable meeting out, so that's what I now do.

I can definitely see the attraction of adults going to a good pub or countryside restaurant rather than entertaining at home. Someone else does all the cooking, tidying away and washing up and you only need to pay for yourself so if you're on a tight budget you can choose accordingly. I can't, however, see why anyone would want to go to a cramped coffee shop full of babies in pushchairs with no room for anyone to move. In that situation I would rather people came to my home for coffee and a chat. A better environment for babies and toddlers and generally less stressful all round.

My hubby and I have been married 32 years and all the while have cooked for other couples at our home. This has dropped off recently as…

a. It takes all day to make a 3 course meal
b. You also have to clean the house (sounds lazy but we’re not)
c. We both work full time, you don’t want one of your days off to be spent cooking and cleaning
d. We very rarely got invited back. Anywhere. So then you think why bother?

We used to do this as we had little kiddies with no babysitters and it seemed a good way of staying connected with people.

Very rare we do it now… and yep, you guessed it, we see no one. Plus we’ve been together so long, all our couple friends from our younger days have split up, or one of the couple has passed away.
its definitely hard to make ‘couple’ friends at our age, people tend to have history with their friends (met at uni, school etc) and don’t have time or energy for new friends. It’s very sad really….

I agree, all these posts from people who find socializing a chore is a pretty miserable outlook! Having and maintaining friendships I believe is so important for our mental health and happiness and not to be all

I totally agree. There’s been huge growth in what I call “performative misanthropy”: people banging on and on about how much they hate other people and boasting that they have reduced their social circle to “my little family”.

They are invariably the same people who are going to kick off in a few years when their stifling marriage breaks down and their old friend from primary school stops returning their calls.

I like that expression, performative misanthropy. I think lots of people are lonely and suffering from loss of connections and I think the constant reinforcement of those ideas is harmful, even on occasions when it is only tongue in cheek.

Fair enough on the hosting, but I think you're being very unreasonable to focus on 'couple' friends! How would you feel if you were widowed or left by your partner, and to top it off you're suddenly seen as a less valuable type of friend?

Give it a rest please, why is it so hard for some to understand that there are people out here who really genuinely do not want anything to do with others, there’s nothing “performative” about it. Are you saying people who avoid socialising should do it anyway to make sure others don’t get any ideas ? Wouldn’t that be performative socialising ?

Me and DH are 70. In our 30s we moved to a new town, my original home town, and opened a shop in a town 20 miles away. We had 3 of my old school friends and their partners and knew no one else. And 2 toddlers. After about 18 months DH joined the local Round Table instantly gaining a new group of 40 or so couples. 5 years later he left and joined Rotary - you had to leave RT when you reached 40 in those days. Without these 2 organisations our social life would have been much poorer. We have learnt loads about our area, done activities we would never have tried such as Archery, bowls, croquet. Been on treasure hunrs, weekends away formal functions, informal parties. At the moment he is organising a fundraising rock and comedy show later in the year. During that time his club have raised 10s of 1,000 of pounds, but the main thing for all their members are the friendships. For some reason, this type of organisation has gone out of fashion. Most of the Round Tables have folded, we had 4 clubs in our town, now just 1. Rotary is struggling to attract new members. Its a real shame, as not only have we made lots of friends, but being involved keeos us both active. I would recommend anyone to find their local clubs and get involved. It is great.

I totally disagree. I think people crave family time and just being with ‘my little family’ as the majority of working age women and men in this country spend all week with other people. We socialise at work, at hobbies, kids parties, get togethers with friends for coffees, brunches, lunches, drinks out etc. Couples having dinner parties just makes me think of the 70’s/80’s and seems outdated that you would slave away in the kitchen to enjoy ‘relaxing time’ with your friends. The world has changed, people want to meet friends in a restaurant or cafe and not have to be hosting/slaving away at the same time. People are busy on Saturdays with kids clubs, hobbies, days out and spending an afternoon in the kitchen sounds hellish after a week at work.

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I believe that there are people who don’t like socialising, I just think that they are anomalies. We evolved in tribes and we are hardwired to seek support from whole communities.

There are a small number of people who are happier without socialising, and that’s fine. And I think there is a much larger number of people who avoid socialising because it’s easier not to. And there are genuine factors like the cost of living crisis and the rising pressure to look picture perfect at all times that feed into that.

But I think this leads to lots of people seeking connection is more shallow unfulfilling ways (addiction to social media, radicalisation, porn etc). They are lonely and they would be better off making connections in real life. That’s why I think some of the online rhetoric about staying in all the time and hating other people can be harmful.

This and in home entertainment.

Looking at the differences between me and DH and our parents:

• DH and I both got left with babysitters regularly. We’ve never found a babysitter we like and most of our friends feel similarly
• Our kids do a lot of sport and weekends often prioritise that, neither of us really did competitive sport as kids outside of school
• More emphasis on family time in today’s life whereas I think in the 80s and 90s kids still played and existed much more independently from their parents

That said we do try to see friends at least every other weekend, I like hosting as my friends all know me/us well enough not to judge if our house is a mess! It’s just a different kind of socialising in which kids are very much a part of it and not separate.

Things have definitely changed, and I know a few people who are still saying they feel less sociable since the Pandemic. Tbh I feel this is becoming an excuse as 4 years have now passed (unless of course they've experienced bereavement or long-term illness through it, that's very different).

Recently I invited 3 neighbours for drinks & pizza. One of them cancelled the day before (valid reason) so I asked the other 2 if they were still coming (before I went shopping). They replied instantly they were still coming & looking forward to it.

Next day, about 3 pm one of them messaged she'd have to cancel, as had too much to do for her dd's party next day. I felt upset, but texted the other one to say she was still welcome! She replied saying she'd had a later finish at work than expected, feeling shattered and let's do it another time. 🤔

I was really upset, Prosecco was chilling in the fridge, I'd bought pizzas, made dessert and even the table was set! I won't be offering again, and they didn't even seem that apologetic. 🙁

Sorry @Winterysun that sounds disappointing.

When you go back to the 50s, 60s, 70s etc the nuclear family was the norm. As a rule the only single parent families were when one of them had died. Nowadays divorce and separation are far more common. The only one of my school group who is still married to her first husband married a man who had already been divorced twice. He joked they would have to stay together as he couldn't afford another lot of maintenance. To be fair they have been married well over 30 years and have 2 grown up children.

It is difficult to maintain a steady group of "couples" friends when those couples keep changing, which is possibly why a lot don't even try. If you are organising a do at home and invite 2 or 3 other couples and one of them splits up, do you uninvite them (to keep numbers equal) invite one or the other or invite both separately. Whichever you choose will cause awkwardness. Sometimes it is easier just to not bother in the first place.

Perhaps if a few people started "at home entertaining" again and got it trending on whatever social media they use it might become a thing again. It only takes one or two people to start a trend on the internet and suddenly everyone is doing it. If someone shows that a slightly messy, lived in home is desirable and welcoming then other people might not worry so much about their own. I for one would rather go to someone's home which is comfortable to be in rather than a show house where you are afraid of sitting down for fear of denting the cushions. As long as the place is clean what does it matter or are people worried about house shaming photos on line?

Go mad and start your own trend on line and see what happens.

I think people crave family time and just being with ‘my little family’ as the majority of working age women and men in this country spend all week with other people

Of course and that’s fine but there’s more and more people these days who seem to want to spend all their time with a very limited group of people and who are almost hostile to the idea of expanding that circle as if it were incredibly invasive.

Spending family time is lovely and important but if your life never extends beyond immediate family there are all sorts of negative consequences. Becoming over dependent on your spouse is limiting and risky. And you need perspective sometimes.

In the past communities were stronger and the individual was more embedded in them. That’s not necessarily always positive and can be limiting in its own way but it does have protective factors. It stops people becoming isolated and alienated. People remake their communities and that’s fine but cutting off everyone outside your immediate family is just massively restricting.

Yes, this is exactly what I was getting at in my original post, totally understand the importance of prioritising family and how difficult and overwhelming it is as two working parents with a young family but I feel so many people around me in a similar situation who aren’t bothered it appears to socialize outside their immediate family, proactively ask to meet up outside the home or inside the home even for a coffee.

I find this so sad! I don’t want to live around people who don’t want to enjoy others company and have a community around them!

Is there an element maybe of people trying to make themselves stop wanting something that they have found that they can't have?

Did you know your neighbours? I would be totally surprised if a neighbour invited me over for coffee, let alone pizza and prosecco. I think people have busy lives, they try their best to still socialise with friends they have known for years and just dont have the time to make new friends who are neighbours. I always say hi to neighbours, happy to help if needed (putting bins out whilst they are away etc - we’ve done that and woyld always help in an emergency), but socialising would be a no from me. I wouldn’t have accepted the invite and then messaged to cancel though as that is just rude (unless there’s a genuine reason).

It seems a common theme that people are no longer willing to put themselves out when other people don't so friendships die.

Hi, Isitautumn, yes we all know each other very well, and for about 5 years now have been friends, also neighbours. In general, we meet at each other's houses every 2 or 3 months, not set in stone who hosts, but I felt it was my turn.

In a few weeks, one of them is having a big summer party (she does every year which we're all invited to). Two of them as they cancelled, each added 'So sorry but looking forward to us all catching up at the party'! which was hurtful tbh.

It felt as though a chilled catch-up at home is no longer enough for them. Also, no thought to the fact I'd shopped and prepped. Yes Vince, Dh & my kids could see I was upset, I felt a bit embarrassed in front of them tbh. Silly I know, but I felt a right 'Billy-No-Mates' that night, wasn"t expecting it at all. The food & drink wasn't wasted as everyone was in, but still, not a nice feeling.

Are you going to their summer party ?

Partly yes, some of this is people who are naturally bad at friendships getting the rejection in first with the “I hate people” stuff before anyone else has a chance to do it to them. These people are pretty transparent, and there’s heaps of them on here.

But I have seen it in some people who are socially comfortable too, this slightly militant “WEEKENDS ARE FOR FAMILY” stuff. It’s often a byproduct of people with very demanding jobs who feel guilty about it and I can understand why it comes about but I think it’s very counterproductive. The average tween or teen is really going to resent having their family life ring fenced like this.

I do wonder how some of these people will cope when their teenagers start to lose interest in them.

My parents were, and still are, very sociable. No end of parties and gatherings at their house.
But, they lived in a village where they were part of the community. They know everyone. Also when I was younger, 70s and 80s, my mum, and many women, in their social circle didn’t work. My mum couldn’t have gone out to work. No child care, no after school clubs. The bus picked us up from school and dropped us home. She didn’t have a car when I was very young.