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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

526 replies

Enchanted82 · 19/05/2024 22:11

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

OP posts:
HaystackHair · 21/05/2024 20:03

Covid made it more acceptable to keep home as somewhere just for you and your family too.

As PP says, I think that's true. I wonder if it's an instinctive/survival instinct too in times of pandemic/global uncertainty.

Polishedshoesalways · 21/05/2024 20:59

HaystackHair · 21/05/2024 20:03

Covid made it more acceptable to keep home as somewhere just for you and your family too.

As PP says, I think that's true. I wonder if it's an instinctive/survival instinct too in times of pandemic/global uncertainty.

It’s definitely true, and pp generally are less inclined to agree to things they would rather not do. The cancellations are so high at every party we go to.
pp are more tired.

justasking111 · 21/05/2024 21:42

Polishedshoesalways · 21/05/2024 20:59

It’s definitely true, and pp generally are less inclined to agree to things they would rather not do. The cancellations are so high at every party we go to.
pp are more tired.

Yes FOMO is dead and buried, people are certainly flakier.

Nutmeg1204 · 22/05/2024 10:11

Things are so different now.

When my parents were raising kids in the 90’s dad worked full time and mum was stay at home with 2 kids.

This meant that mum was able to stay on top of housework/cooking/extras that meant weekends were more free for socialising.

Nowadays a lot of the time both parents work which means weekends are filled with catching up on everything and everyone’s too tired to socialise a lot of the time.

Its also very expensive to host. We like having people round for bbq’s but it ends up being very expensive, same for dinners etc

there’s also the expectation for houses to be pristine nowadays so we also have to allocate time for a big house clean before we host, it’s all quite tiring!

plus the added bonus Covid has made us all lazy home comfort lovers!

Livefreely · 22/05/2024 11:18

Nutmeg1204 · 22/05/2024 10:11

Things are so different now.

When my parents were raising kids in the 90’s dad worked full time and mum was stay at home with 2 kids.

This meant that mum was able to stay on top of housework/cooking/extras that meant weekends were more free for socialising.

Nowadays a lot of the time both parents work which means weekends are filled with catching up on everything and everyone’s too tired to socialise a lot of the time.

Its also very expensive to host. We like having people round for bbq’s but it ends up being very expensive, same for dinners etc

there’s also the expectation for houses to be pristine nowadays so we also have to allocate time for a big house clean before we host, it’s all quite tiring!

plus the added bonus Covid has made us all lazy home comfort lovers!

I agree with all of this. My next question is what happens in a few years time when kids are older, we have more time, we are not in the throes of young children but we have spent years not socialising for all the reasons you outline? Will we all be really insular having forgotten how to socialise and just hang out with immediate families or try to start all over again to make friendas and connect?

Purplebiscuitwithsprinkles · 22/05/2024 12:07

I've given up, I've tried with people and they either cancel last minute (which is really infuriating) because they've had a busy week and the house isn't tidy or their tired from work (I am too but still make the effort). I personally don't care what your house is like I've arranged to see you and enjoy your company not the house or they can't afford to go to a cafe which I suggest but will happily come over to mine each time. I do cups of tea and cake and if the weathers good will chill out in the garden. I hosted 4 friends once for an afternoon and it came to just over £75 when we did it at another friends house we were expected to chip in and bring something on top. Friend is in a similar financial position to me and volunteered to host next.

The last friends who came to my house who hadn't been for a while. They said oh it's getting there isn't it? That comment really hurt. We've had a lot of work done to the house since we bought it and kind of doing little DIY bits over time but for now it's finished for the major stuff. They are obsessed with houses being show home standard and pristine ready for guests ours is lived in but not dirty. I have found most people are obsessed with having the latest whatever but they have to work like mad to get it which makes them too tired to socialise and actually enjoy it.

Social Media has a lot to do with the decline of socialising. I feel some people have really become a shell of themselves and cant just kick back and relax there's always got to be some weird pretence and on show...the filters on pictures, the show home house, the made up look when you're in the house, the named gear, the fancy car...now I just shut my door and curl up on the sofa with DH.

I do feel lonely at times and would love to just go out for a coffee/meal or have people round and vice versa but there's always some clause attached to it like the kids have this activity so I only have 20 minutes, the dog needs walking so I can do a 4 mile walk in the rain if you want, or can fit you in 30mins for a cuppa but it would take me an hour across town to get to them (I have made that effort with this friend but it's never reciprocated because they have very young children).

So now I have just come to accept the fact that socialising is nothing like it used to be (group day meet up's/nights out, holidays, visiting each others houses, celebrating big birthdays) and just to enjoy my own and DH company.

Polishedshoesalways · 22/05/2024 12:51

Purplebiscuitwithsprinkles · 22/05/2024 12:07

I've given up, I've tried with people and they either cancel last minute (which is really infuriating) because they've had a busy week and the house isn't tidy or their tired from work (I am too but still make the effort). I personally don't care what your house is like I've arranged to see you and enjoy your company not the house or they can't afford to go to a cafe which I suggest but will happily come over to mine each time. I do cups of tea and cake and if the weathers good will chill out in the garden. I hosted 4 friends once for an afternoon and it came to just over £75 when we did it at another friends house we were expected to chip in and bring something on top. Friend is in a similar financial position to me and volunteered to host next.

The last friends who came to my house who hadn't been for a while. They said oh it's getting there isn't it? That comment really hurt. We've had a lot of work done to the house since we bought it and kind of doing little DIY bits over time but for now it's finished for the major stuff. They are obsessed with houses being show home standard and pristine ready for guests ours is lived in but not dirty. I have found most people are obsessed with having the latest whatever but they have to work like mad to get it which makes them too tired to socialise and actually enjoy it.

Social Media has a lot to do with the decline of socialising. I feel some people have really become a shell of themselves and cant just kick back and relax there's always got to be some weird pretence and on show...the filters on pictures, the show home house, the made up look when you're in the house, the named gear, the fancy car...now I just shut my door and curl up on the sofa with DH.

I do feel lonely at times and would love to just go out for a coffee/meal or have people round and vice versa but there's always some clause attached to it like the kids have this activity so I only have 20 minutes, the dog needs walking so I can do a 4 mile walk in the rain if you want, or can fit you in 30mins for a cuppa but it would take me an hour across town to get to them (I have made that effort with this friend but it's never reciprocated because they have very young children).

So now I have just come to accept the fact that socialising is nothing like it used to be (group day meet up's/nights out, holidays, visiting each others houses, celebrating big birthdays) and just to enjoy my own and DH company.

That’s really sad to read 😕
I feel for you and I’m sorry your friends are so rubbish. Maybe once their kids are older it will improve.

justasking111 · 22/05/2024 13:02

It baffles me that young people have spent a lot of money creating an Instagram perfect home. And no-one bar immediate family get to see it.

We're supposed to ooh and ah at pictures but not cross the threshold because they're too knackered. Which to be fair they are.

My £900 big rug has now been eaten by a puppy Labrador, ditto my feather cushions, skirtings, door frames. It's bloody annoying but there's no point having anything nice at the moment .

Friends are still welcome.

But you're right about the expense. While cheaper than eating out, four adults and two children for a BBQ last week. The bill was £65 at Lidl.

Stevie77 · 22/05/2024 13:54

justasking111 · 19/05/2024 22:45

We were those 80s parents. My children now 40 with children did try working hard to cook for people at the weekend, they've given up because none of their friends reciprocate.

So now it's nights out at restaurants sometimes as a couple often the men will have a night out or the women will.

We carried on in our generation until COVID arrived. Now we all rarely bother. I've become very insular which maybe an age thing. My husband on the other hand has coffee with other buddies most days. They're connected to a joint hobby.

Nailed it - most people don't reciprocate.

This is going to upset people, but on the whole the British are not very hospitable. Or generous, but I'll say this part quietly. Having grown up in another country, there is no culture in the UK of taking pleasure in opening your house up to family and friends, enjoying feeding them delicious food, and having a good time together.

They are also not particularly interested in making new friends - which is why most immigrants and migrants socialise with others in a similar position. Then Brits complain about immigrants not assimilating in their new country 😐

WhatNoRaisins · 22/05/2024 14:09

I have wondered before what immigrants are supposed to actually assimilate into.

The lack of reciprocation is hard going.

justasking111 · 22/05/2024 14:18

Our neighbour, lovely lass married to a Pakistani. He won't let his children mix with our grandchildren despite the fact that they're in the same classes at school. I've tried, my grandchildren are confused because their school mates are across the road.

We're in a quiet cul de sac so play with scooters, trikes after school, his children aren't allowed to join in ever. They're sweet children who at school play together.

I'm baffled, his wife embarrassed.

saraclara · 22/05/2024 14:23

there is no culture in the UK of taking pleasure in opening your house up to family and friends, enjoying feeding them delicious food, and having a good time together.

They are also not particularly interested in making new friends - which is why most immigrants and migrants socialise with others in a similar position. Then Brits complain about immigrants not assimilating in their new country

That is such a good point. I travel a lot, and I'm bowled over by the hospitality and warmth that's part of so many cultures. I also worked in a very multicultural town, and when I did visits to families' homes, they almost always wanted to feed me!

It used to be like that when I was a kid in the late 50s and 60s. Everyone in our street was in and out of each others homes. Not in dinner party style but in a cuppa and a biscuit or home made cake style. I'm really sad that we've lost that, while other cultures (that are often criticised) have managed to maintain it.

Incidentally, my 94 year old aunt has some wonderful neighbours who bring her a cooked meal three times a week and/or invite her to eat with them. They're of a different culture that respects the elderly and values hospitality. I love them for it, and am happy that she gets that social connection and nutrition.

TheCoralDog · 22/05/2024 14:32

Pollipops1 · 19/05/2024 22:53

I really don't understand why young mums take their babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers and meet their friends in Costa or somewhere. There's nothing for the kids to do.

because many young people don’t have the space to host a group of mums, babies & their buggies. Plus it’s a reason to get up and get out of the house.

Also due to (I think) to the whole insta/social media issue, people
feel their homes must be gorgeous/on trend/sparkling clean in order to be seen by anyone.

cockadoodledandy · 22/05/2024 14:42

Life has changed. More women work full time now, and hosting / organising things is an overhead I certainly don’t have time or mental bandwidth for. I go out regularly with my friends though. I’m also in contact much more regularly on a daily basis with my friends than my parents were. WhatsApp etc.

Livefreely · 22/05/2024 14:50

Stevie77 · 22/05/2024 13:54

Nailed it - most people don't reciprocate.

This is going to upset people, but on the whole the British are not very hospitable. Or generous, but I'll say this part quietly. Having grown up in another country, there is no culture in the UK of taking pleasure in opening your house up to family and friends, enjoying feeding them delicious food, and having a good time together.

They are also not particularly interested in making new friends - which is why most immigrants and migrants socialise with others in a similar position. Then Brits complain about immigrants not assimilating in their new country 😐

So true! So many pdople don’t reciprocate. I understand all the reasons on this thread why people can’t or don’t want people in their home but it’s so sad people feel they can’t just enjoy a couple of drinks round a friends house or their own. I feel meeting up at home rather than out is far more meaningful and enjoyable for adults and kids. But I do understand hosting is a cost for sure whatever you do.

VoteHappy · 22/05/2024 14:52

cockadoodledandy · 22/05/2024 14:42

Life has changed. More women work full time now, and hosting / organising things is an overhead I certainly don’t have time or mental bandwidth for. I go out regularly with my friends though. I’m also in contact much more regularly on a daily basis with my friends than my parents were. WhatsApp etc.

This
Many families struggle with 2 FT jobs and keeping up with caring roles plus household chores.
If they have any spare time they want family time.
I also think it's women who are expected to do all the leg work and many women cba with it and I don't blame them.

Isitautumnyet23 · 22/05/2024 17:08

VoteHappy · 22/05/2024 14:52

This
Many families struggle with 2 FT jobs and keeping up with caring roles plus household chores.
If they have any spare time they want family time.
I also think it's women who are expected to do all the leg work and many women cba with it and I don't blame them.

Exactly-weekends for us are family time, walks, pub lunches, seeing grandparents, catching up on jobs (I do get a day off so not full time - consider myself lucky I have that). We do enjoy socialising with friends but its usually out and about in the evening and not anything that requires alot of effort/clear up at home. Its just too much. I will do a small bbq for family but thats it. I was happier to have people over when I was a stay at home mum with young kids but now no thanks! I’d like to relax on the rare opportunities to properly go out.

Asherrain · 22/05/2024 17:33

I think this is a really interesting thread and something I've really noticed change over the past 10 years or so. I have a 2 year old and there are some friends I've made in recent years that I still haven't seen their houses.
I honestly think social media has a lot to answer for. People now think they have to have a perfect house, that someone will judge their decor or the mess, that they need to provide fancy food etc.
Peope have lost their social skills, sucked into a life that exists only on their phone.

Some of my closest friendships were formed inside our houses. I made a friend with another parent 8 years ago when my son was 1 and she would come round every week with her son and we would chat whilst they played, help each other cook a very basic meal for the kids, it was so bonding and our friendship is now a life long friendship. It wouldn't have developed it we had just met for coffee or in parks.
And there is very little less relaxing than taking a toddler to a cafe!

Polishedshoesalways · 22/05/2024 18:21

Stevie77 · 22/05/2024 13:54

Nailed it - most people don't reciprocate.

This is going to upset people, but on the whole the British are not very hospitable. Or generous, but I'll say this part quietly. Having grown up in another country, there is no culture in the UK of taking pleasure in opening your house up to family and friends, enjoying feeding them delicious food, and having a good time together.

They are also not particularly interested in making new friends - which is why most immigrants and migrants socialise with others in a similar position. Then Brits complain about immigrants not assimilating in their new country 😐

I lived overseas for decades in different places and I agree. Hosting and feeding friends is very ‘self conscious’ in the U.K. in comparison to some of the more generous and open places we have lived, where even very humble homes are totally free of the stress of hosting.

They also do tend to be patriarchal societies, and traditional countries where mostly the women are doing all the behind the scenes work to facilitate the socialising it must be said. I see less willingness from professional women understandably after an eighty hour week less keen to then tie on a pinny and start producing homemade dishes to lavish on guests ( of course it does happen) It’s a difference in culture. I see men cooking much more at dinner parties in the U.K., where as men in the countries where we have lived didn’t even lift a finger to do anything, at all. Apart from my dh who was an outlier because I insisted on it.

Where I live it can also be a grand affair rather than simply relaxing outside and casual food like the Mediterranean. Formal dinner parties are hard work.

Overall, I think the British do care, enjoy socialising generally and can be great company and generous hosts, in my experience, but time constraints, COL and recovering from pandemic burn out has taken its toll.

I see my friends often at home, I feel closer to them being surrounded by their lives and precious things, pets and I feel I know them better because of it. I don’t like to see perfect homes but lived in, loved homes. I am often too tired to host very much these days, but come the summer after the exams I’ll throw open my doors and welcome everyone in. I am a seasonal host. Love summer entertaining especially.

Confortableorwhat · 22/05/2024 18:27

I think it's a SE middle classes thing, possibly becuase evwruibe so busy with two working parents, house renovations for the dream home and multiple extra curricular activities for the prodigies etc.

My friends on the council estate always have a house full of people round for coffee/drinks/bbq and my relatives in the North, especially the more rural ones, still have people in an out all day.

Somehow, there's become a section of society who won't even take a phonecall without an appointment, let alone answer rhe door.

2tired2talk · 22/05/2024 18:34

Yes, our parents socialised more. Over the years, I have indulged my kind but anti-social husband and thought we were the only people not having loads of visitors over until I read this post ! It has naturally developed that our infrequent socialising is often outside the home with our own separate friend/s rather than with other couples/groups.

SamW98 · 22/05/2024 18:40

My parents socialised very differently. They had several other couples as friends and and always went to others houses

Im in my 50’s and very rarely had friends round mine or gone to theirs. All my socialising has been going out to bars, clubs, festivals etc.

I've never hosted or been to a dinner party in my entire life

insidenumber9 · 22/05/2024 19:59

People don’t feel the need to meet in person, just text or message on social media. It’s really sad

VeryHappyBunny · 22/05/2024 20:44

I think personal relationships are different nowadays. Formal dinners usually call for couples and if one or some friends are single do you invite them and risk an odd number or don't invite them and risk losing the friendship. When couples stayed married, not matter what, at least you knew where you were with numbers, but this thing with image and trying to live up to an impossible ideal is the main reason why people don't want visitors in their homes, but REAL friends don't care they just want your company. If people only want to be nosy and have an instagram opportunity they are not your friends. The obsession with social media means people don't know how to make actual friends any more, they just have virtual friends on facebook etc.

AnticEff2017 · 22/05/2024 21:16

More women work outside the home and have "socialised" enough at work and just want to spend the weekend enjoying the kids and trying to fit housework around that.
I talk to a hundred people over the 5 work days and all I want to do of a Saturday night is sit in silence in between in kids on the couch watching a funny happy simple movie. After a nice adventure in the woods or on the beach or even Tesco lol.
I see my friends maybe once a month and morning coffee out before going back to cook dinner/clean is much easier than having them over. Easier to relax quicker when you're not looking at the mess.
My nana couldn't wait to get out after slaving 247 the whole week. She was sick of running around after the seven of us and my grandad lols. She ran out the door Friday and Saturday nights. She was always loving, we never wanted for anything but she really needed those nights with adults or she would have murdered us lols.
When the birdies have flown the nest I can see it being different though. I'll be dying to get out myself then haha!

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