AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

Neither my parents nor grandparents socialised in the way you describe, OP, so I don't think this is generational. I think a lot depends on responsibilities, how much free time you have and, if you're talking about dinner parties, how much money you have.

I've no idea whether it is generally true. We certainly socialize a lot more with friends than my parents did. We live in a pretty sociable village, in the same place for nearly 20 years (since kids were very small) and have put a lot of effort into getting involved and getting to know lots of people. My parents sometimes had work friends round for dinner, but were nothing like as social as us.

I think you are right that people are more likely to go out for dinner together these days, when previously they would have had dinner at each other's houses. People just eat out more generally. There are far more restaurants. It is part of being (generally) richer than in the 70s and 80s.

There are not many restaurants within easy reach where we live. If there were we would probably eat out with friends more. But as there aren't we do socialize at home. We don't do all out fancy dinners very often. Just slightly better than normal family food. Or everyone brings a course. Or just cheese and stuff later in the evening. Or even takeaway. The point is to spend time together rather than have a stressful time cooking a multi-course meal.

You have articulated exactly how I am feeling currently and much better than my original post!
When I think back to the last decade and the friendships I made in that time I cannot believe I’ve never been to some of their houses! After years! And living down the road!!!
i too feel friendships made inside the home are a much deeper bond. I was that mum always out at the park, in a cafe, in a restaurant with ‘mum friends’ but now a few years on I realise it was all pretty superficial

It's just so sad. I keep thinking, where will it all end?

At no point in this thread have I thought socialising meant dinner parties. Nor has it meant that in my nearly five decades of adulthood. My friends and I just called round for a coffee. Or if it involved lunch a sandwich would do.

But now I can't even get those same friends to meet in our houses. They've got sucked into meeting at cafes or for pub lunches, too.

That is exactly what I was going to say. People are so so paranoid about how their house looks. I don't remember that being a "thing" in my parents time. A lot of people are too embarrassed to have people round, me included.

Also it seems that friends and family fall out much more than they used to. And my gut says that messaging is to blame. Without physical presence, tone of voice, facial expression and body language, it's all too easy to misinterpret that message. To read it in the 'wrong' tone of voice and take offence where none was intended.

Difficult or sensitive conversations need to be made in person, so that softening techniques can be used. So that you can see quickly what effect your words are having on your friend, by seeing their facial expression or their give away body language.
Yet all over Mumsnet people are talking about the message they've sent in response to tricky situations, or suggesting messages to each other that make me want to wince. Just talk to them, I want to shout. In person. Give your words clarity and nuance and communicate in both directions.

But no. People don't meet in person any more.

Two good points re the condition of your home and avoiding person to person conversation.

Both damaged by the internet social media.

@Polishedshoesalways I hope so but I don't think it will I just think now ah well it was fun while it lasted. I dread becoming old and on my own. 😢

Do you invite people round to yours?

Agreed- I imagine with many people who lives very insular lives with no social skills or friends! How boring

The cynic in me thinks that once you've got yourself into the rut with no friends it's very hard to get out of.

I was thinking about things like aging and social care and how our (stretched) services are going to have to prepare for there to be increasing numbers of people who don't have anyone that they can call on for things like getting food or collecting prescriptions.

I think one issue is that people are far more aware of abusive relationships, although that said in the past every family had a family member who wasn't talked about or " went to sea"

Another is that far from not having relationships people have too many to be meaningful.
Remember when people collected friends on FB?
Shallow connections not true connections which lead to the need to limit contact as it can be overwhelming.
In the past weeks I've had no one to my house but have been to a big sporting event with family, had afternoon tea and brunch and out for lunch tomorrow with friends.
I just prefer to go out so that it's a treat for me as well.

People constantly boasting about their home improvements doesn't help either. I often wonder what for since no one invites anyone to their house anymore. It is all so bizarre.

It is hard to get out of, no cynicism needed. Look how many people on this thread have written that socialising is basically a chore. Even if you did want to get out of that rut, who'd you make friends with?

And it absolutely is an issue with ageing. Social isolation/loneliness are a contributing factor of Alzheimer's. Doesn't bode well for a country of misanthrops.

We invite people to our house all the time, and we go to others, and we have renovated, as have a few friends we know, I don’t see discussing it as boasting. Maintaining your home from a lick of paint, on, is fairly standard.

we have friends here at least once or twice a month, I find it unusual ti issue a blanket no one does that any more. Of course people do.

The cynic in me thinks that once you've got yourself into the rut with no friends it's very hard to get out of.

I agree, if you’re out of the habit of socialising, making connections, maintaining friendships, you will slowly and steadily find it almost impossible to change the situation ( if you wanted to)

I do as much as I can( not as much as I would like as 2 working parents and young family) make sure I do maintain relationships and keep connections because I don’t want it to just be hubby and I when the kids grow up and I certainly want to do everything not be lonely in older age!!

I agree, all these posts from people who find socializing a chore is a pretty miserable outlook! Having and maintaining friendships I believe is so important for our mental health and happiness and not to be all
alone later in life! Clearly nobody is thinking about a few years down the line when kids are older- sounds like they will have nobody around bit their other half!

Yes. My friends often just come round for a tea/coffee or glass of wine! If it's nice weather we often go for a walk, cycle ride, maybe even paddleboarding or swim in the river in the summer. But other times then they just come over. Doesn't need to be "dinner party" stuff. I think it must depend where you live and who your friends are as I'm not recognizing this at all.

But I'm over 50 and live in a village. Maybe if I was 30 and lived in a city it would be different. Maybe I'm the old generation!

I tried to set up a baby-sitting circle when my DC were small, but the people I invited to join it were (understandably, nowadays) horrified at the idea that a stranger might turn up to look after their kids. I realised I wasn't comfortable with the idea either - I'd just asked people I knew and liked, but if the circle expanded and my friends asked their friends, then I wouldn't know everyone.

We used to be part of a village babysitting circle when my kids were small. But they are 20/21 now so maybe we were one of the last. It did fade away, but it worked well for a while. Everyone knew everyone at least vaguely. And everyone tended to be at least a proper friend of a proper friend. In a village and almost everyone used same pre-school/primary school. It certainly felt safer than using 15 year old babysitters which is what we moved onto once the children were slightly older and the circle wasn't as active anymore.

There is not a cat in hells chance that I would join something like this.
A friend of a friend/ knew vaguely ?
Nope

I could have written this myself! We are a totally different generation to our grandparents (and to alot of our parents). Our nans and alot of our Mums didn’t work, were close friends with their neighbours and just as you said, probably desperate for someone to talk to away from the chores. Ive got lovely neighbours but probably have a very quick chat once a month a most. Im connecting with other people constantly from 9am on Monday all week - talking to the public in person, on the phone, email and with my colleagues all day (most in my team I consider friends aswell as collegues) . I love the weekends for finally having some family time. I make sure I still meet up with friends every month but its coffees, dinner at a restaurant or drinks out. I think my friends feel the same as we’re all busy working Mums.

You can actually tell on the school run the ones that most likely dont work. Always there early to chat and I dont blame them for wanting that connection in their day. I can only presume someone who really wants to host hasn’t had as busy week as alot of us or really enjoys cooking for others/being the host. Thats a big no from me at the weekend and I think for alot of our generation who need down time at the weekend.

i was talking to DH about this. He was talking about the fact that because of where his parents lived (near where people shopped) they always had aunts/uncles dropping in for coffee.
He was saying how much he misses this and how he wishes he lived like that.
However despite having literally dozens of cousins, I can’t think of a single one who would do that. His parents rarely went anywhere so they were always in.
I have had experience of it when I stayed there and it was women in the living room, men in the kitchen. None of the women worked full time so giving up Saturday afternoon wasn’t that much to give up.
Personally I found it incredibly boring. If I was working full time on Saturday afternoon I would be out or cleaning or trying to do some hobby stuff. Sitting around for 3 hours talking about what I watched on tv which drive me bananas (DHs dream is sit around talking shit with people though).

By "knew vaguely" I mean had children at same school/pre-school, saw them around village regularly and would stop to say hello, would sometimes go to same social events, perhaps invite to a big party, maybe volunteer together. But not necessarily be the kind of friends you'd meet for an in depth one-to-one catch up. And by "proper friend" I meant the latter. I remain more than comfortable with that choice!