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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend is jealous over weightloss?

128 replies

walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:24

I have a friend who seems to be in competition with me (just the impression I’ve got over the last couple of years). It’s silly as subjectively she definitely has the better life.

I don’t see her on her own anymore and it’s always a small group of us. We definitely are not as close as we were.

Met up last weekend as a group and I’ve started medication (prescribed by doctor) for weight loss and I’ve lost a stone very quickly. I had to tell them as I really couldn’t eat or drink much from the medication.

Friend is slim (at a guess I’d say 6 stone lighter than me) and she will rarely message me and yesterday she messaged to ask how the weight loss is going …. Am I reading into this too much? I feel like I just want to believe the good in people and I also wish I’d said nothing.

OP posts:
ILikePistachios · 18/05/2024 16:29

You think she's jealous of you losing weight but she's slim and doesn't need to lose any weight?

I'm struggling to understand

LoveWine123 · 18/05/2024 16:32

Why would she be jealous if she is already slim?

ILikePistachios · 18/05/2024 16:35

Should have asked this to begin with, if she's already slim and as you said, "she definitely has the better life"

What would she be jealous of?

Original poster
walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:36

LoveWine123 · 18/05/2024 16:32

Why would she be jealous if she is already slim?

Because sadly (might not be true of my friend) people like having a fat friend and as soon as they start losing weight they don’t like it.

It’s definitely a known thing that even if thin people do get jealous of others people weight loss.

OP posts:
soupfiend · 18/05/2024 16:37

Ive been here OP, people wont understand unless they have experienced it. I sadly do think you are right.

pasturesgreen · 18/05/2024 16:37

Doesn't sound like much of a friend anyway? You don't see her on her own and aren't very close...I don't see any reason why you should give in-depth explanations about your private medical business.

Weight loss is going as planned, thanks for asking! And how are you etc...? Really doesn't require much more than that, and I honestly doubt she's as interested as you think she might be.

Original poster
walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:37

ILikePistachios · 18/05/2024 16:35

Should have asked this to begin with, if she's already slim and as you said, "she definitely has the better life"

What would she be jealous of?

It’s the competitive angle.

OP posts:
YorkNew · 18/05/2024 16:38

She’s probably interested in the medication and curious about it. I doubt it jealousy, the one stone is a big deal to you but to others it’s not a thing.

KimberleyClark · 18/05/2024 16:39

Yes I would guess she had you mentally filed under “fat friend - no competition” and now that you are losing weight she feels threatened.

Original poster
walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:39

soupfiend · 18/05/2024 16:37

Ive been here OP, people wont understand unless they have experienced it. I sadly do think you are right.

Thank you. I thought I was going a bit mad … not saying she is jealous but 100% some slim people will get jealous over their bigger friend losing weight.

OP posts:
ILikePistachios · 18/05/2024 16:40

walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:37

It’s the competitive angle.

Show quote history

Is she trying to lose weight herself?

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 18/05/2024 16:41

She asked a question.
Not seeing what is competitive about that.

Going to need a few more examples of why you get the impression she is in competition with you. At the moment, this seems like a you thing

Oakcupboard · 18/05/2024 16:42

I think you are correct OP, take it as a compliment. Well done on your weightloss ❤️

VelvetTurtle · 18/05/2024 16:42

I know what you mean but I voted yabu as I don't think it's jealousy as such but yes there are definitely people that like having a fat friend and makes them feel better about themselves and they don't like them losing weight

LoveWine123 · 18/05/2024 16:42

ILikePistachios · 18/05/2024 16:40

Is she trying to lose weight herself?

Show quote history

There are people like that, you are right. What makes you think she is actually jealous?

Original poster
walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:42

YorkNew · 18/05/2024 16:38

She’s probably interested in the medication and curious about it. I doubt it jealousy, the one stone is a big deal to you but to others it’s not a thing.

It’s actually not a big deal, I lost it very quick and it wasn’t hard due to my how heavy I am. I’d very much doubt anyone would notice any physical difference at all.

But as we drink a lot and eat, I was just honest with them when they questioned why I wasn’t and then asked how much I’ve lost.

I do wish I’d not said anything, easier to weight loss in private but in the moment I slipped up and didn’t want to lieS

OP posts:
Tospyornottospy · 18/05/2024 16:42

On what planet are friends expected to check in re friend’s weight loss? It’s a personal thing and many people on here often say they don’t like it commented on.

you’re reading way too much into this

YorkNew · 18/05/2024 16:46

I do wish I’d not said anything, easier to weight loss in private but in the moment I slipped up and didn’t want to lieS

My friend found it easier to not say anything and she also avoided meals out at the beginning of her weight loss journey. I was there with her all the way but she avoided talking about it others as they always seem to say the wrong thing to her as it was a very touchy subject.

Original poster
walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:48

Tospyornottospy · 18/05/2024 16:42

On what planet are friends expected to check in re friend’s weight loss? It’s a personal thing and many people on here often say they don’t like it commented on.

you’re reading way too much into this

I don’t know what you mean? There’s no expectation to ask about my weight loss? Where did I say there was?

OP posts:
Original poster
walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:50

LoveWine123 · 18/05/2024 16:42

There are people like that, you are right. What makes you think she is actually jealous?

Show quote history

Right reading back I left out that she rarely (these days) will message me outside of the group chat. Pretty crucial thing I left out so apologies.

So that’s why it stuck out to me. I also have a vague answer and she asked it again where I couldn’t vague.

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/05/2024 16:53

All she did was ask how its going! She's probably interested. A lot of slim women are interested in weight ime, because staying slim typically requires you to keep an eye on it. If she's competitive with you in other ways, I suppose it's possible, but I'd not be jumping to this conclusion or thinking she wants a 'fat friend' on the basis of that message.

YorkNew · 18/05/2024 16:56

Honestly I think you’re overthinking it, she could be interested as she has another fat friend who is trying to lose weight or maybe she’s read all the recent news about the injections people are getting to help them lose weigh.

rainyskylight · 18/05/2024 16:56

I actually think the opposite. You opened up about a subject that was having physical effects on you (some of which may be unpleasant) and you would have been taking it because you are unhappy about an aspect of yourself and wanted to change it. I think it’s a reasonable to ask how things are going - you might be struggling in some way, or have plateaued. At a group dinner party you may not have wanted to go into detail. One on one you may have appreciated her reaching out to check in.

A lot of people seem to think that slim people don’t do anything to stay that way but we can also battle body and health issues and have compassion with others going through something.

Tospyornottospy · 18/05/2024 16:57

walkthroughtulips · 18/05/2024 16:48

I don’t know what you mean? There’s no expectation to ask about my weight loss? Where did I say there was?

Show quote history

im
so sorry! She DID ask and I got the opposite end of the stick. So sorry! I still don’t really see the issue though, sorry!

EveryNameIThinkOfAlreadyBelongsToMe · 18/05/2024 17:03

Others may be right and you might be overthinking. But you are the expert on the dynamic between you both. Not us. And I am aware of this being a thing.

I don't know if it's jealousy as such. Maybe just dealing with the dynamic change? Whatever it is, it can manifest in many ways.

I had a good friend (note had). I was single when we met and remained single for the duration of the friendship other than the last few months. She was happily married and had been for nearly 20 years but as soon as I began a relationship with a mutual friend, she became ridiculously flirty with him. Embarrassingly so.

She didn't fancy him, she just couldn't cope with the fact he and I were together and, within 12 months her behaviour became so toxic, the friendship group imploded.

In your situation, the established dynamic is that you are the 'fat one' and she is the slim one; the 'better' one; the more desirable one; the one who is admired. In her head anyway. In reality, most people don't assess their friends like that. You losing weight changes that dynamic because she doesn't know where it will end and her position is threatened.

In my situation, she wasn't interested in my partner at all. But she'd always operated under the assumption that he secretly fancied her and that she was the more attractive one of the two of us. She also felt her position was threatened.

Don't say more than you have to and stay aware. If you've read too much into this question, no harm done. If not, it'll do you good to keep your wits about you. From my experience.