To think friend is jealous over weightloss?

[walkthroughtulips]

I have a friend who seems to be in competition with me (just the impression I’ve got over the last couple of years). It’s silly as subjectively she definitely has the better life.

I don’t see her on her own anymore and it’s always a small group of us. We definitely are not as close as we were.

Met up last weekend as a group and I’ve started medication (prescribed by doctor) for weight loss and I’ve lost a stone very quickly. I had to tell them as I really couldn’t eat or drink much from the medication.

Friend is slim (at a guess I’d say 6 stone lighter than me) and she will rarely message me and yesterday she messaged to ask how the weight loss is going …. Am I reading into this too much? I feel like I just want to believe the good in people and I also wish I’d said nothing.

I’ve already said the friendship has drifted. We see each other as we’re part of the same friendship group.

Hm.
Even if "slim", she might be jealous of the change
OP is successfully making, not being the "fat friend" anymore.
Might feel threatened.
Sorry, I read this in a book 📚 📖 😊

I think that’s fair. Honestly, OP, I can see you think she’s being intrusive or showing a sudden interest when she doesn’t usually, but bluntly, you’re still stones and stones heavier than her, so she has no reason on earth to be ‘jealous’ of your weight loss. (And the medication seems to be an un-fun experience, even when it works well, as with you — a friend is on one of them (Ozempic?) and suffers with nausea and heartburn a lot).

Seriously bored of repeating myself. Could you not at least have read my additional comments.

Yes, you’re just coming across as aggressive and paranoid now.

Good luck op one stone is better than none.
Take no notice of other people do it for you.

I think people are being unfair to OP, I wonder if it has struck a nerve with one or two people who may feel a similar thing when someone around them, who changes their life for the better, feel uncomfortable about that person improving themselves

OP's mistake was to use the word jealous. Its not jealous as such, but people improving their lives (whatever format that might take), do make other people around them feel uncomfortable.

So not jealous. Morbid curiosity perhaps? Feeling uncomfortable perhaps?

And of course there is the possibility that the friend is just interested but its a strange text to send as OP says the friendship has dwindled and become less strong, then out of the blue is quite a personal question sent by text.

Morbid curiosity perhaps? Feeling uncomfortable perhaps?

I said yesterday that sometimes it's hierarchical self esteem. Some people get their self esteem from believing they are 'better' than others. In some cases this is because they are slimmer, in my case it was because I'd been single for a long time and that was my personal 'flaw' in my friends eyes. Eg she might be x, y, z but she's stil single - no one wants her. When I got into a relationship it upset her apple cart so to speak

My mum was a bit like this. She had very low self esteem and ditched all of her friends who were her peers and became friends with a lot of women she deemed 'beneath' her. Because she believed they looked up to her and admired her because she wasn't eg a cleaner, owned her own home rather than living in a council house/rented accommodation, was more intelligent. She also dated very far down when she dated men. Men she believed would never stray because they could never do better than her. Not because she was amazing and she was filled with self confidence but because, in all honesty, no other woman would have touched them with a barge pole. She enjoyed having people comment positively on her lifestyle rather than seeing it as nothing special.

She couldn't cope with being around people she perceived as 'better' than her and needed to be able to look down on people to feel good about herself.

She was quite an extreme example of this but it is quite common for people to feel unsettled when one of their friends 'betters' themselves in any way - weightloss, relationships, income etc

Most of us are just pleased for our friends and don't see it as any reflection on ourselves. But some people assume that others see the world through the same eyes and believe that the eg slimmer friend is now looking down on them in the same way that they previously looked down at their friend.

It doesn't really matter that the OP has only lost a stone. She is following a trajectory that the slim friend might not like. The OP has also alluded her showing this competitive streak in other areas. And, tbh, when you know people well, you just know.

I don't think it's true that someone wants a fat friend?! Why? Most people want their friends to be happy and healthy. If she's slim and into diets and stuff, she's probably trying to bond with you about it. She might want to give you advice or something (unwanted maybe but no horrible). She may also want to look into the medication. She could be on it herself for all you know.
I'd say just accept she was reaching out to you in convo. If your weight loss journey means you and her can be closer that might be a good thing? If you don't like her though, just politely say fine thanks then leave it.

@EveryNameIThinkOfAlreadyBelongsToMe spot on

Why would she be on this medication if she is slim? What the OP is talking about is a thing. Other posters have experienced it.

Other women are far more nicer to me now I'm overweight. Men look through me now so win win . I am far happier being overweight than slim . I was bullied for being slim . Weight is a massive trigger for women . Men know it and use weight to damage a woman's self esteem, a lot of women resent other women for being slim and bully them for it or resent them . My experience.

But all she did is ask how the weight loss was going?

I agree.

I'm not saying it's not a 'thing' as a lot of people say it is, but I just think it's far too early to be a 'thing' right now, after a one stone weightloss.

And perhaps the OP is looking forward to finally being that friend who causes 'the thing', so she's jumping the gun over a simple question right now.

I do not think she’s jealous of the physical aspect. I think she’s maybe threatened by what it could mean and that I might not stay the “safe fat friend”

I agree it’s a thing but you’ve extrapolated a lot from one phone call.

OP, you know your friend, and it seems like you think she is a bit competitive/ judgemental/ resentful for some reason.

But nothing you have actually said on this thread about her behaviour implies she is resentful of your weight loss.

All you said is that she messaged you asking about your weight loss. That's not an unusual thing to do given that you have been talking about it.

I'm guessing that your feelings are based mostly on behaviours that we haven't seen/ heard about.

It's unreasonable to think this just because she messaged you about it.

Is there anything else she's done or said that makes you think this?

The OP can't explain the dynamics with this woman so that we will all know her as well as the OP does.

Sometimes people jump the gun and overthink but she has also given other examples over competitiveness and said she's withdrawn from this friend somewhat.

If a gut feeling is all she's got then that's good enough. When I first noticed the way my friend was behaving, I thought I was imagining things. She was my friend after all! But when my boyfriend, and more importantly other people started commenting on it, I knew it was happening.

No one else saw the initial stuff but she became bolder and then it was as clear as day.

@KimberleyClark BC that's what made her slim in the first place? BC she's got ED? Plenty of slim people do use WLD. Not that they should.
Who knows. But I wouldn't assume she was jealous.
I would be delighted if a friend wanted to lose weight and was managing to do so successfully.

She sounds like a frenemy and doesn't have your best interests at heart. Trust your intuition

Yep what a world. That underlying competitive streak among many women mean they much prefer having fat friends.
Unless they are totally shallow and want a thin friend.
Either one is shitty!
I love my friends for that thing called their personality and vibe. And celebrate them becoming more confident and happy if that's what they want.

Oh the old MN classic if someone being “aggressive” or “angry”. 99/100 times said to just be a dick when you have absolutely nothing constructive to add.

I’m being neither of those things. (Also no idea what I’d be paranoid about). It does get frustrating having the same comment where I’ve already addressed it and said I shouldn’t have said jealous. The least people can do on any thread if you don’t want to read the entire thing is just to filter it to the OPs so they can see the updates.

@Disturbia81

Some people are weird . I had an ex colleague ring me out of the blue to ask me if I was still slim . She used to watch me eat and wrote down what I was eating . I told her yep I'm still slim , same weight and dress size and then put the phone down on her . I wasn't slim but wasn't giving her the satisfaction of knowing I wasn't anymore. Probably someone saw me and told her I had gained weight and she was checking on me . Bloody weirdo.

Is this also the friend that you think her decor is gross?

Thought the same. OP has a lot of friends they don’t really like..

I wouldn’t be jealous of anyone who lost weight on ozempic/wegovy/tablets etc. No one knows the long-term implications and there’s nothing to suggest that these methods will have any longer lasting success after they’ve finished, same as when people stop weightwatchers/fasting etc and the weight all goes back on.

Maybe she’s trying to reach and be supportive away from the group. To be honest, a stone when you have 6 to lose, whilst it’s still a fantastic achievement, doesn’t make THE most massive difference (I know as I have been there). If you’d lost 5 stone then maybe. I’m not knocking you by the way as sounds like you are doing amazing!! Good luck on your journey ;)
edited due to typo