To think friend is jealous over weightloss?

[walkthroughtulips]

I have a friend who seems to be in competition with me (just the impression I’ve got over the last couple of years). It’s silly as subjectively she definitely has the better life.

I don’t see her on her own anymore and it’s always a small group of us. We definitely are not as close as we were.

Met up last weekend as a group and I’ve started medication (prescribed by doctor) for weight loss and I’ve lost a stone very quickly. I had to tell them as I really couldn’t eat or drink much from the medication.

Friend is slim (at a guess I’d say 6 stone lighter than me) and she will rarely message me and yesterday she messaged to ask how the weight loss is going …. Am I reading into this too much? I feel like I just want to believe the good in people and I also wish I’d said nothing.

You actually said in your OP that she rarely messages you, still, it doesn't make any sense why you think she'd be jealous of you

I’m the fat friend, I think it’s jealousy about attention as they’re used to getting it as the prettier/slimmer/richer friend. You losing weight creates attention for you whether you want to or not. Some people e.g. your friend, don’t like it.

Only happens if you’re doing well though so well done! One day I hope to alienate my skinny friends by being thinner, but peri menopause is kicking my fat arse, so not right now

From the information you’ve given, it does sound like you’re reading a lot in to it. Perhaps she’d like to be closer to you.

But, having said that, yes I absolutely recognise what you’re talking about. I suspect anyone who has never been very overweight and then lost weight will not recognise it! But when you lose weight some people absolutely change, no longer file you under “safe fat friend” and often try to sabotage you (“oh, one slice won’t hurt”, “you’re losing weight so quickly, that can’t be good for you” “it’s not healthy to obsess about food”, “oh you’ll be too thin if you lose any more”). So could be that too. I’d take it as a genuine outreach but remain a little wary.

I agree in theory OP, however all she did was send one text. I don't think that is enough to judge really - if she tried to sabotage your weightloss, or made bitchy comments or whatever then yes.
But to just enquire how it's going? I think you are reading into something that isn't there.

Nope. She may well be into her weight and it's a subject that interests her and now you have something in common and she's supporting you to keep going?

I am said friend. I take an interest because other friend is overweight and hates it. And when she's spurred on to lose weight, I want to help her not because I am jealous.
Trust me, it's more boring having someone constantly moan about weight and then does nothing about it...

I do not know your friend but i do know that people are often comfortable with you being the fat friend, the friend that drinks too much, the friend that has bad relationships and so on and when changes are made for the better it isn’t always met with a positive response as you are no longer the person who can be looked with those problems. I think we can all do this to some extent

I have been saddened by some friends reactions and really strong opinions on how they wouldn’t ever take such medication as they wouldn’t want to cheat, the advice of the possible side effects (as if I hadn’t researched them and discussed with gp) one even concerned that I may end up looking older as so many apparently do after losing lots of weight and I shall regret it

One I realised that I have been viewed as lazy (have ignored my health conditions) and secondly I could easily fix myself if only I tried harder again as if I haven’t

yes I secretly look forward to the comments of I think you may have lost too much weight and I can guess now who will say it

best of luck op and isn’t to bloody fantastic to not be obsessing about when you are next going to eat

How common is this “safe fat friend” thing?

Once, about 10 years ago, a friend of mine told me she thought she was a mutual friend’s “fat friend” I thought she was being paranoid and ridiculous, and told her so!

I’d forgotten all about it until I read this thread and am horrified to read it is actually a thing.

I’ve put on quite a bit of weight myself in recent years and wondering how my friends will react if I lose it (although there is one I would actually quite enjoy pissing off!)

Anyway OP, doesn't sound as though you and she are that close, so can you use her jealousy as extra motivation? You know she’d love to see you give up and fail … so don’t do it, keep going!

I think the safe fat friend is more of a thing the closer the fat friend gets to ‘normal’ weight. This is my experience when I lost a third of my body weight.
At the start of losing weight it isn’t a thing especially if the person has really a lot of weight to lose and the weight loss doesn’t really show at the beginning.

You chose to mention your weight loss when you didn't need to, you could have used any excuse if you couldn't eat much. She then asked how its going. Literally no big deal.

Oh come on, if she's 6 stone lighter than you then no way is she jealous. She's probably just curious. it's an interesting topic.

Anyway good for you losing the weight OP. I hope you can get to a weight you are happy with.

I don’t mean she’s jealous of the physical weight lost. I mean the concept of “this person is losing weight and might not always be the fat one”.

Im sorry but if you've lost 1 stone when you're 6 stone overweight it's going to be barely noticeable to your friends.

I say that as someone who was 5 stone overweight at the start of the year and it took losing 3/ 4 before people said anything!

Maybe people are reading it wrong or I’ve not expressed myself well.

And actually I probably shouldn’t have used the word jealous. Threatened maybe? But that seems a bit harsh.

I genuinely believe some people love having an underdog friend. As in “wow my life is shit, but it could be worse, I could be this friend”.

She very much used to make a big deal out of how much she earned and how stressful her job is, she seemed to get a pay rise every single time I saw her.

I then got a new job (big jump from a crap paid dead end job) and potentially earn similar to her now. First thing she asked about was my salary because suddenly I wasn’t the friend that was in the same career league - which for years didn’t seem like that was ever a possibility.

I don't think she's threatened by you losing one stone op sorry I don't mean to be rude but plenty of people lose weight then pile it back on and more

Sorry I’m really confused how this is relevant?

I have actually already said it’s not noticeable. I’ve lost a good amount before and agree it takes minimum 2 to see even a slight change (if your heavier).

I do not think she’s jealous of the physical aspect. I think she’s maybe threatened by what it could mean and that I might not stay the “safe fat friend”

I don’t get the ‘fat friend’ thing. I’ve never, as another poster said, assessed my friends on their weight and how it reflected on me. Women’s weight is very variable, both on a personal level and across the board. It’s not something I think about when I look at my friends.

In short, I think you’re overthinking it.

I think you are reading an awful lot into one question. She might be interested about the medicine and how it is effecting you, or curious about it because she has a family member who is also on it, or just bored at home. There are many other possible reasons. I wouldn't give it any more thought for now.

^ this comment sums up perfectly what the op is expressing

You've only lost a stone and she only asked a simple friendly question 🤷‍♂️

I get the feeling you're jumping the gun a bit here because you're looking forward to being the friend who can say someone's jealous of their weightloss.

But certainly by the example you've given, it doesn't look as though that's happening just yet.

I do not think she’s jealous of the physical aspect. I think she’s maybe threatened by what it could mean and that I might not stay the “safe fat friend”

Oh come on, you're not even close and you can't be the only overweight 'friend' she has?

I can't see the jealousy or threatened angle to this interaction but maybe there is a dynamic which isn't coming through in the post.

Could you be assuming "everyone" thinks like this? Whereas I have never come across this dynamic in a group of women. If a friend lost lots of weight I would be delighted for her....no competition in it at all.

I must admit I would be interested in someone going through medication for weight loss as it's not something I know about and obviously could be a great way to improve health for many people.

Oh dear I hope you are not my friend S, because S has just been prescribed by her GP & has lost about a stone, and I sent a supportive (I thought) text yesterday asking how it was going.....I don't often text her outside of the group but felt she might not want the whole group collectively messaging as a group....

What are you talking about I'm overweight myself and have certainly been the "fat friend" most of my adult life I've lost weight then gained doubled back no one is threatened by someone losing one stone op may have a point if she had lost 6.

Is it possible that she was just trying to rekindle your one-to-one relationship by texting to ask about your health basically?

I am a thin person and I have a larger mother and sister who have both been utterly foul to me throughout my life because they are jealous. I have lots of friends, both fat and thin, and some whose size changes fairly regularly. I'm not jealous of any of them no matter what size they are. I wonder if you are projecting?

This to me seems more like you have an issue not your friend. Oh and quoting about "crap dead end jobs" doesn't really make you look like the nicest of people.