Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

[Anon31483]

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

You are insane jeez

You are insane jeez

Nope.

You're obsessed. This was a man who you had a fling with for 3 months then discovered he was married.

And?

And it was 6 flipping years ago.

What on earth is wrong with you?

You're clearly still hurting about being mislead and the way to get back at him (you think) is to spill the beans.

IF he's as unfaithful as you think, don't you also think that his wife (or ANY wife) has some idea?

Don't you even consider she knows but has decided to stay?

Don't you even consider they may both be playing the same game?

Why did you ask the question here if you aren't willing to have your own behaviour and mindset judged?

Does your current partner know you're giving so much headspace to a man you slept with 6 years ago?
What does that say about you?

YWBTA.

How do you know she definitely doesn't know? Women generally aren't stupid and if he was as much of a compulsive liar as you claim then your situation wasn't a one off. She knows him better than you do. Maybe she caught him out and he has changed. Maybe he hasn't changed but she's choosing not to be a single mother to two children.

You don't know this man. You didn't know him 6 years ago. If you didn't want to tell her when she had one child why tell her when she has two? The first child was always going to exist. If you didn't want to risk breaking up a family then, why do it now?

For the last time. No she has no idea and this guy is a compulsive liar and a serial cheater. The fact that it happened 6 years ago doesn't minimise anything at all. The way it happened it had significant impact on me on many areas of my life. As I explained above it wasn't just any fling. I dont want him back I am not jealous or whatever you wanna call it.

I have just regretted that 1. I have let someone get away with such level of deception 2. Left someone pregnant at the time uninformed about this. There are various reasons that I didn't speak up all these years and I was indeed thinking to do it from time to time. The main reason was however that it was just the convenient thing to do. However I am very aware that is not necessarily the right thing.

Going forward I am not gonna respond to insulting comments or comments that state that i wanna destroy a family blah blah. We are all adults and we should understand by now that actions have consequences in this life.

Finally, I've decided as stated above to not speak only because I don't want to cause potential problems to my partner and my daughter so the case is closed.

Thanks everyone for the advice and giving me perspectives although I can't believe I was met with such negative comments. This shows me that sadly many people out there want just to live a lie. That's not me.

For the last time. No she has no idea

You cannot possibly know that for certain.

You would do well to gain some self-awareness OP.

How on earth do you know she has no idea?
That's nonsense. Unless you are talking to her regularly, you cannot know what she knows.

And the very telling part of your latest post is revealing
As I explained above it wasn't just any fling.
For you, perhaps, but for him - yes it was.
If it wasn't he'd have chosen you.
And you don't want to let him get away with it.

I have just regretted that I have let someone get away with such level of deception.

So you want to go after him now?
Can't you see the logic-gap in your thinking?

Maybe you should have had your wits about you more at the time and seen the signs he was married. In 3 months there would have been clues, but you probably ignored them.

You chose not to tell his wife because she was pregnant.
now 6 years on when she has 2 children, you're thinking of telling her.

You'd be happy to wreck their lives out of some misplaced sense of 'justice'.
(And of course she may already know.)

If you're still giving this man so much headspace, you should consider counselling. This obsessing is unhealthy as is the way you can't take any honest comments, and only want posters to agree with you.

No she has no idea and this guy is a compulsive liar and a serial cheater.

The only way you could know that is if you have a completely inappropriate level of closeness to the family and have talked to her about it recently!

This shows me that sadly many people out there want just to live a lie. That's not me.

You keep saying that as though it matters. It doesn't. This woman isn't you. It's been six years, this family is nothing to do with you, it's not your job to police it. Do what you've been doing for six years and just stay out of it, mind your own business and live your own life.

It is nothing to do with you!

None of your business.

Well it very much has since he is the one that deceived me. I'm sorry you would prefer to live a lie. The truth always sets you free. The woman doesn't know and that comes from some investigation I did and from what he told me himself so to say that I don't know something when I was in the situation is indeed nonsense.

This is the last insulting comment I'm gonna reply to in this thread.

You keep trying to take the moral high ground yet all you're doing is digging a deeper hole for yourself!

For the last time (as you like to say!) it's not that people have lower standards or like to 'live a lie' .

It's that we can see someone who's still obsessed with a 12 week fling with a bloke 6 years ago and isn't over him.

She's investigated what he's been doing, knows he has more children.

What does that say about you OP?

I bet you're unhappy with your current partner because all you do is obsess over something you've lost. The 'justice' part is a red herring. You're just mad that you were lied to and seem to think you can police this man's life forever.

Honestly, if you can't take honest replies here, stop posting.

people disagreeing with you is not insulting at all.

it was a fling. No matter how much you keep saying but this is why it wasn’t, regardless of him saying he what he did, it was a fling. The entire definition of a fling is when two people have a brief relationship. This is one of them.
The very fact you refuse to accept this speaks volumes. You are not over him. You haven’t moved on fully.

You keep saying that’s you don’t want to live a lie as that’s not you. Except that is you. You this kept this lie for 6 years. So yes you do want to live a lie, otherwise you would have said something 6 years ago.

all this shows you is that many people would have said something at the time. All this shows is many people would have wanted to have been told at the time.

I’m sorry you can’t see that, I’m sorry that you’ve convinced yourself that you were right to keep the lie 6 years ago and keep it going. I’m sorry that you clearly haven’t moved on.

how do you know she doesn’t know now, unless you are stalking him then you have no clue what she knows after 6 years.

Are you going to still be thinking about this over the next 6 years? If so that should tell you everything you need to know about yourself.

You still don't get it, although I'm starting to see why you're so obsessed...I don't think you want him back, I think you're just angry that someone else might make a different choice to you and still be happy, hence all the silly attempts at moralising ("sorry you aren't as great a human as me", in essence).

Their marriage and family are nothing to do with you. Neither she nor anyone else is obliged to make the decision you would make, even if it does make them inferior to you. We don't make our major life decisions based on what someone who has absolutely nothing to do with it says they would do.

He deceived you; your job is to stop accepting his deception, which you've done, and the rest is nothing to do with you. Stop with all the "sorry you wouldn't make my noble decision" crap because whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter. People are not obliged to live by your worldview. The family of the man you briefly shagged six years ago is nothing to do with you.

I know you're not going to do anything, but I think it's still important that you understand the real reason why you shouldn't - because it is not your job to police him, his family or his wife's decisions (and you don't even know what she's aware of).

It is nothing to do with you!!

Also, if he is a serial cheater, maybe some of the other women have got there before you and told his wife?

It's highly unlikely that, if he can't keep it in his trousers, and this has gone on for years, his wife doesn't know.

Your excuse that you don't want to upset your home life now by telling, is just an excuse.

How would your current partner even know?

All you'd need to do was make anonymous contact with the wife. (And you said in your previous posts that it would be anonymous.)

You're far too involved in their lives- stalking him, knowing about his other affairs, knowing where he lives, how many kids he has.

It's sad and you need help.

Sadly you need help and the likes of you.

I thought you weren't going to reply to what you thought were 'insulting' comments?

You see, your behaviour here is the same as with this man.
You keep picking at the scab. You can't leave it.
You're full of anger and can't accept the many sensible comments.

You can't take criticism.

It's no wonder you're still feeling aggrieved over being lied to by him.

Why did you come here asking a question?
You asked if what you were doing now was 'right'.

And then you've spent hours of your life trying to justify why you did nothing 6 years ago. But you're wondering now if that was right then.

The majority of posters have said leave it yet you keep arguing with us.

What's happened since? Something has triggered going back over it all.

You have a partner now and a child.
Why are you wasting hours of your life thinking about revenge on a man you knew for 12 weeks?

Your energy should be in the present not the past.

The time to speak up was at the time.

The ship has long since sailed, and you'd definitely do a lot more harm than good.

You actually CAN and you SHOULD let it go.

You didn’t do anything wrong, he lied to you. It was 3m out of your life.

move on. This isn’t your business and it’s not your job to police others.

forgive yourself and send positive thoughts to his wife. Do nothing more, no notes, no contact, no anonymous messages.

leave it.

many of these messages ARENT meant to me insulting, they’re incredulous

you can’t possibly know what she knows or doesn’t know. If he’s as bad as you think he is, something WILL have come out, one of her friends perhaps and they can tell her and support her.

you seagulling her - swooping in and shitting all over the place - won’t help her at all. You can’t help/save everyone.

Well I've been thinking about it on and off. Obviously I was living my life in the meantime and I was debating with myself if I should say anything.

The truth can set you free.

absolutely, but it’s the truth you choose to face that’s meant in this.

You’re playing god, that’s not on.

give thanks to god that you found out so quickly, and that you aren’t the poor soul married to him.

The woman doesn't know and that comes from some investigation I did and from what he told me himself so to say that I don't know something when I was in the situation is indeed nonsense

So, you claim your understanding of his wife is based on what this known liar told you? How does that work?

Secondly, you "investigated" this woman instead of having the decency to speak openly to her. And before say you were fearful of what this man would do, I don't believe you. If he was a threat you wouldn't "investigate" his life or wife.

Thirdly these assumptions you made about his wife must be 6 years old, so are irrelevant to now.

And to justify your proposed actions with "Well it very much [my business] since he is the one that deceived me" shows that you have an entirely egocentric attitude.

I'll say again, I understand the devastation of deception. I bet lots of posters on this thread do. I have also noted that you have berated those who know of infidelity but don't speak out. But you haven't acknowledged that you did exactly that 6 years ago.

And that comes back to the fact that you seem only able to view the situation from your own perspective. Because you were a victim of this man's deception, you seem utterly unable to consider the perspective of his wife. He was responsible for cheating and lying to her. But you are responsible for your actions. I'm not saying you had a responsibility to tell her, I'm just reflecting your statements about other people not speaking out.

You haven't engaged in any discussion about her feelings and how massively more complex it is 6 years and 2 children down the line. You simply say "you wouldn't want to live a lie"

You haven't for a moment considered any opinion other than your own as valid. And the intensity of feeling you still have is not healthy.

Please, take stock. Reflect. Ask why your threads get such such a majority of posters vehemently disagreeing with you.

I know you've said you are not going to contact her but this thread really has exposed how unresolved your feelings are.

The woman doesn't know and that comes from some investigation

You are telling us that you have been "investigating" (presumably spying on, stalking, gossiping about) a woman you admit you don't know, simply because she is the wife of the man you are obsessed with six years after a brief, sordid scuttle?

We are supposed to believe that from the results of your investigation you "know" what she knows.

Can't you see that the level of your intrusion into this innocent woman's life is abnormal? You don't give a shit about her or her innocent children.

Your pretence that you care and are therefore morally superior to those of us who think you should get over your sick obsession with her husband is obscene.

There is nothing moral or good in what you want to do.

You came on here to ask if you are being unreasonable and then started insulting the 93% of people who tell you the truth you don't want to hear.

Your obsession with a man who chose to be with another woman and probably wishes he'd never met you, your proposal to destroy him and his family and your replies to those of us telling you the truth, are very unreasonable.

You asked. We've told you.

Get some help to deal with your unhealthy obsession and stop lying to yourself and other people.

from what he told me himself
You mean the lying liar who lies told you?
I think the bottom line is, you feel stupid that you were duped by him and you can't let it go.