Is losing a pet the same as losing a relative?

[Thejewellershands]

This question has been inspired from another thread that I read this morning and got me wondering.

Do you think that losing a pet is comparable/the same as losing a relative?

I have a dog and two cats and on one hand if I lost a close family member and someone compares it to them losing their cat I’d probably be a bit annoyed. But then again, when I put myself in the position of losing one of my animals I know that I will feel utterly devastated and heartbroken. Grief is grief and loss is loss. But are they comparable? What do you think?

Absolutely not. My dad dying and my cat dying are incomparable.

My neighbour assured me that he knew how I felt because his aunt's dog had just died. I had just lost my son. I don't really speak to him now.

You may not get bereavement leave for pets but I know plenty of people who have had time off sick / been signed off after losing a pet , including one lady who had several months off after losing her horse .

Two things are abundantly clear to me reading this thread:

• There's never any need to compare grief or love. "Who do you love more?" "Who will you be saddest about when they die?" are both pointless, unproductive questions that get nobody anywhere useful.
• If someone's going through something, you absolutely don't need to insert your own experience into the conversation in order to 'relate' or make them feel better: it won't. "I know exactly how you feel" is a fundamentally bullshit statement – even if I lost my dad and you lost your dad, you STILL have no idea how I feel. And it makes no difference to me even if you do – why do you feel the need to make it about you?

I know several people who were allowed compassionate leave for the death of a pet, and others who took a few days as sick leave.

You may not get paid bereavement leave but tbh most companies don't offer much of that anyway.

You carry the grief of losing a loved relative or friend with you forever and you are never the same again. Losing a pet, however beloved, does not have the same long-term impact on your life, even if it feels very upsetting in the immediate aftermath. If you think losing a pet is more upsetting than losing a loved human then the real sadness is that you haven't had a loving relationship with your parent / spouse / child / friend / grandparent / aunt / uncle / cousin. And your pet is just providing a shadow version of a loving human relationship, it's like those people who got excessively upset when Diana died, it was just a substitute grief.

It depends on the relationship doesn't it?

If you love a spouse/parent/child/sibling/best friend who you clearly loved, probably not.

If someone who is distant to you dies, or someone you had a difficult relationship with, then your pet's death will likely affect you more. You live with your pet and see them everyday, to some people they only get comfort and affection from their pets.

For me, the initial grief was the same, but it took me longer to come to terms with my mother's death. The impact on my life was far greater and still is nearly nine years later. Having said that, I miss my dog everyday and it still upsets me to think of him, coming up to a year since he died in June 23.

Yes. For me, definitely. We are going to have to say goodbye to our beloved dog in the next few months probably. The thoight of that is so much more upsetting than my mother actually dying.

In your opinion. Many people disagree.

That’s just sad. Heart of stone.

@fieldsofbutterflies
Time off sick isn't related to bereavement policy - but illness. It's very easy to get signed off, there are hundreds of threads here on it, and that would be managed via sickness policy. And you can self-certify for up to 7 days in any case, for whatever reason.

Other types of leave - which, because they don't come under an official bereavement policy - require the judgement of a line manager, which aligns with what I said.

And even though i've distinguished between different types of policies....

Personally I would bend over backwards to get an employee as much paid leave as possible after the death of a close relative - especially a child. Parents have a right to 2 weeks off and statutory bereavement pay, but the latter is a pittance. Whether it is 'official' or not I will cover for them.

Would I do that for the death of a pet? No . Of course I'd allow leave following our policies and procedures, whether that's sick leave, discretionary unpaid leave, whatever. But I wouldn't put myself at risk of losing my job by sticking my neck out.

Obviously the latter also happens much more frequently than the former, so there's that.

I find your post rather vile tbh. How dare you tell people how they feel, that their grief is wrong?!

Absolutely yes. I lost one of my dogs in November and the grief is hitting me very hard, harder than losing my parents!

Tell us you're heartless without telling us...

As far as my body goes and the way it deals with emotions, it feels the same percentage/proportion of what I felt about the relationship. Often I've been far more upset about my pets than a human being ...

I'm not heartless, I don't think

I love my children, husband and friends beyond measure

I'm fond of the cats, they're cute and they've lovely personalities but I just cannot imagine crying if they died

I didn't cry when my grandparents died either

Maybe I am heartless

My dogs are a lot nicer than a lot of my extended family. I dread the dogs dying.

@umami86 thankfully every manager I've ever had has been happy to give paid compassionate leave for the death of a pet.

Nobody said anything about risking your job either.

I would always have said it's in no way comparable, until I lost my most recent dog at Xmas.

I rescued her when I was depressed after losing my Mum. She helped me with my grief and gave me a reason to get up in the morning. She was also there when I had pnd after dd was born, and she kept me going. She took the edge off when my marriage was falling apart, and she was my company after exh left and our dd was with him half the time. It's nearly 5 months since I had to have her put to sleep, and quite honestly I don't know how I've managed without her. I feel awful saying this, but it's up there with losing mum, and I was very close to my mum.

With respect though, your cats are still alive and healthy so you have no idea how you'll feel when they inevitably get sick and need to be put to sleep.

I didn't cry when my grandparents died either but I bawled my eyes out when our little cat died in my arms.

Wtf...

Well ok, it depends. Which relative? Is it a cousin/aunt/uncle/elderly grandparent OR mum/dad/sibling/child? If it's a more distant relative then maybe. If it's an immediate family member, but you're no contact/abusive childhood, something like that - then yes, I can imagine losing a beloved pet will hit you harder.

But jesus, if someone comes after my brother's death and pipes up with 'oh yes, I know just how you feel, I've just lost my cat' - I'd punch them in the face. I love my brother like I love myself, and I'd kill my pets with my own hands if it would be 'your brother or your dog'.

It's insane.

When my daughter had cancer someone compared their dog having it. It’s not the same!

I have a cat who is absolutely my baby and I love sooo much (my husband says I love her more than him). I still wouldn’t be as upset to lose her as I would a family member.

Depends on the pet and depends on the relative. Cat you've had 15 years versus a great aunt you exchanged cards with at Christmas.

Depends on a number of things I think:

• the relative… I don’t like all my relatives. My gran was a narcissistic and my dad had a traumatic upbringing so when she died it was almost a celebration.
• whether the death was an early death eg. If my nana died it’s kind of expected as she’s in a home and 91 but my dogs are 4 and 7 so I’d probably be more sad if my one of my dogs died right now as I’m not expecting it so my grief would have an element of shock too
• how big a part of my life the relative is, pets are part of our daily lives whereas not all relatives are so my life would actually change more dramatically if one of my pets died