Is losing a pet the same as losing a relative?

[Thejewellershands]

This question has been inspired from another thread that I read this morning and got me wondering.

Do you think that losing a pet is comparable/the same as losing a relative?

I have a dog and two cats and on one hand if I lost a close family member and someone compares it to them losing their cat I’d probably be a bit annoyed. But then again, when I put myself in the position of losing one of my animals I know that I will feel utterly devastated and heartbroken. Grief is grief and loss is loss. But are they comparable? What do you think?

It's fascinating how many people are incapable of understanding how some people can love their pets deeply. Just because they lack that ability, they think there must be something wrong with the people who do.

@ForAPicnic the posters who say things like this don’t come across as well as those who love their pets, I think that is very telling

Having to put their beloved cat to sleep did prepare the GC for the death of their great-grandmother which in turn , we hope, has prepared them for the idea that some stage we will also die. But losing an animal is definitely not the same as losing a relative.

Oh, I am so sorry. That must be incredibly difficult to deal with.

It's so individual, I grieve for my dog, not only because he was amazing but because he was a connection to my parents who both died before him and adored him.
I feel like they've been pushed further into 'history,' and won't have those shared magical moments with any of them again.

It’s not about ‘worth’.

I don’t grieve strongly for humans that I don’t know well. I feel the loss of my pets more than I feel the loss of people I’m not close to. That’s all people are saying.

I lost my cat recently and was devastated. I work from home so he was with me all the time and the house feels empty without him. It’s been 10 days and although I still miss him and look for him when I go into a room or turn to look at the cat flap if I hear a noise the grief is passing.

When I lost my father the grief was less intense (he was ill for a long time) but even 5 years on it still hits me in a way that the loss of cat does not anymore.

What's so "insulting" about the idea of grieving for a being you love, and not grieving for one you don't, or don't even know? It's more insulting to attribute love and grief for a pet rather than a random to mental illness.

I’m my experience, much much worse. No human has ever meant to me what my animals have, relative or otherwise.

Obviously people who have different relationships with humans vs animals will disagree but grief is grief.

It’s equally shitty the other way round. For a person who doesn’t like children and their dog is their family it’s an insulting comparison. Each person is entitled to respect for their grief, no matter the origin.

They’re not comparable for you, but that doesn’t mean they’re not comparable, or indeed worse, for someone else. Despite what some may like to think, there’s no objective ranking of grief. It’s individual.

It’s weird how angry some people get over the emotional response of others.

There have actually been studies on the subject, and instead of being ‘crazy’ it appears to be in fact quite normal:

”Grief severity was investigated and compared amongst 50 participants aged 18 to 65 years who had experienced the death of a human (n = 35) or the death of a companion animal (n = 15). Participants were recruited in Australia and completed an on-line self-report questionnaire package, measuring grief severity, social support, and emotional connection to the deceased. There were no significant differences between the levels of grief severity, however, the qualitative analyses highlighted the complexities associated with attempting to compare these grief experiences. These results highlight the importance of therapists acknowledging and validating companion animal grief.”

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30216137/

“Our relationships to our pets can be as meaningful as those we share with each other. Losing our pets is no less painful, and our grief reflects that.”

https://www.sciencealert.com/grieving-a-pet-can-hit-harder-than-the-loss-of-a-person-and-thats-okay

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/274344384_Animals_and_Attachment_Theory

Thank you for that thoughtful and informative post, @InterIgnis .

Well tbh no one should say "I know how you feel" regarding any death, because the fact is grief is so unique and complex no one can possibly know how someone else feels.

I often catch myself nearly saying it because its such a daft thing to say.

Quite right. It's questionable enough saying it about other, less sensitive issues.

WingsofRain you are hearless and cruel to minimise the sad loss of someones young child compared to an amimal. I am still angry about a former boss who compared the loss of my lovely dm to the loss of his dm's cat. No comparison in my view.

I think this thread demonstrates that we are just not very good at talking about death.

Most people who attempt to give comfort by referring to their own experience of loss of a pet have probably not experienced a close bereavement and are just being clumsy because they don’t know what else to offer and they think they need to say something. We need to learn to sit with other people’s feelings rather than try to make it better.

And that applies to the loss of an animal. It’s hard to just be expected to carry on because it’s just a cat or just a dog.

WingsofRain wasn't doing that, she was talking about her own experience and feelings, not what anyone else has been through. She didn't even mention young children.

She did not do that at all. She said In my experience.

You said in my view, and your view is just different. Which is absolutely fine.

Your view is as irrelevant to someone else’s experience of grief as theirs is to yours.

Wings was speaking for herself and of her own experiences. They don’t match yours, but so what? Why do they need to? Your experiences aren’t somehow made lesser or invalidated because they’re not universal.

Couldn't agree more

People who make fucking stupid statements like that probably have no friends and their colleagues loathe them

My Mum lost her younger brother very suddenly when he was in his 40s. She was completely floored. My brother’s girlfriend tried to offer her condolences by saying “I know exactly how you feel. It’s the same for me losing Harry”. Harry was her pet lizard that had died the week before. I genuinely thought my Mum might shake her. I’m sure she was mildly upset about a pet reptile but it is in no way comparable with losing a sibling.

Grief olympics helps no one, and can get horribly offensive.

It is awful to say to someone who has just lost a child that you understand because you lost your dog... but on the other hand, it is also fucking awful to say to someone that has just lost their dog that their loss does not compare to that of losing a child either. Loss is loss, and is very personal.

I live alone with my dog. She is my family and best friend. She is there when I wake up, when I get home, and when I go to bed. She has been there through a very messy break up, various episodes of very poor mental health (she was allowed to visit me in hospital). She is a protective factor in me still being here.
Anyone familiar with the book/film/series of 'His Dark Materials' will know about daemons.... I feel like my dog is mine, and that when she dies, I might as well die with her.
She is very old, and I know I will lose her this year. I am going through anticipatory grief. Sometimes, when she is not in the room, I try to imagine that she is no longer there, and it breaks me.

@XenoBitch hugs. The anticipatory grief is always the worst, for me.

Absolutely not the same.

When you get a pet you always know you will need to deal with their loss at some point.

Most people in your life, you don't know that. Losing them is inexplicable. A friend lost her baby, stillborn a few weeks ago. The idea of comparing that to a pet is utterly incomprehensible.

In my view they are different types of loss. Different types of grief. I totally understand the heartbreaking loss of (for example) a dog who you've had by your side every day for years. But I can't compare that to the loss of a human best friend. And I've seen both.

Some people choose to move on, in time, with a new pet - that doesn't happen when you lose a close human. I think both types of loss are valid - but I think comparing them isn't right.

My dog was my only comfort after the deaths of my husband and dad. When he had to be put to sleep 2 years ago my sons and I were absolutely devastated.

I obviously grieved for my dh and dad but I knew my dh was terminal for 18 months and dad had early onset alzheimers so I think I had already come to terms with their deaths before they happened.
My dog took ill completely out of the blue and had been the only one I cried with over my other losses and the only one, apart from my sons, who gave me any comfort.
The only thing worse for me would be losing one of my sons, but other people only have their pets and grief hits us all differently.