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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He just turned up

373 replies

AmusedPearlSeal · 17/05/2024 20:02

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

OP posts:
JanglingJack · 19/05/2024 02:42

Happy Birthday to you, or not so happy.

Please leave now if he's asleep. Call a cab from round the corner maybe.

He's not right. I'm worried for you. Leave ASAP.

AstonUniversityPotholeDepartment · 19/05/2024 02:47

I'm so sorry. You're making the right decision to end it.

5YearsLeft · 19/05/2024 02:54

OP, I’m with all the others saying please leave now. This is a very dangerous time if he’s this possessive and you’ve told him it’s over. If he actually went to sleep, leave the house for good now. Get a cab or Uber. It’s worth your safety. If he starts acting crazy, say whatever you have to, to get out. Tell him it’s not over but you just need time to think. Don’t worry about lying. If you have to lie to stay safe, do it! Maybe there will be no problem at all, but just in case.

coxesorangepippin · 19/05/2024 03:02

Er, just leave now?? Why wait

Get the fuck out of there

LoudSnoringDog · 19/05/2024 03:06

Good god what a weirdo.

get out of his house as soon as you can

SullysBabyMama · 19/05/2024 03:24

I would say breaking up with this man is the best birthday present ever!

Please sneak out now. We are all seriously worried about you.
I am concerned he won’t let you leave tomorrow or will wear you down like he has just done with the phone.

You really, really need to get out of this dangerous situation.

SheepAndSword · 19/05/2024 03:46

Go back home now, you can snuggle up in your own bed away from him and get some sleep

Olika · 19/05/2024 04:32

Happy birthday! Please make sure you celebrate your day as a single woman. That's the best gift you can give yourself.

Newnamehiwhodis · 19/05/2024 04:58

Happy birthday! This is a really good present to give yourself - a future without this abusive creep.
once you walk away, you’re showing yourself that you KNOW you are worth more than this, and that this is unacceptable.
I hope it keeps sinking in. I hope it feels like the best kind of love, to protect and value yourself in this way.

you are brave, and you did well to stand up to him.

Superduper02 · 19/05/2024 05:45

OP as others have said please leave now. Think of your children. This man sounds unhinged. Please check back in once you're out safe!! Do you have the means to leave? Say the kids got sick and you had to get a cab. Whoever is looking after your children, maybe ask them for a lift.

Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 19/05/2024 06:08

I (stupidly, I know!) have my kids here with me.
I’m just waiting for it to be a suitable time to wake them up and go home.

He did already suggest playing it out this morning for the kids, when I declined he called me an evil little bitch.

I’m just going to give it another half an hour before we leave.

OP posts:
IsitaHatOrACat · 19/05/2024 06:16

How old are your kids op? This sounds potentially dangerous. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are teying to leave it. You can call the police if you feel unsafe this morning and they will help you all leave

Superduper02 · 19/05/2024 06:18

Oh gosh OP! Let this be a lesson to you. No romantic relationship is worth the safety of you and your children. Try to keep them separate. You already had doubts about him turning up at your house and now you've all slept over.

There are so many creeps out there. Wake them up and get them out by hook or by crook!

Your kids could be scarred or scared if this turns nasty and children don't forget stuff like this.

Perhaps PP will suggest I'm being dramatic. I'm just in disbelief.

ThePoetsWife · 19/05/2024 06:36

Fucking hell.

The fact you have a history of abusive relationships is very telling.

Your boundaries are really poor.

Why are you exposing your DC to these relationships. You need to stop introducing them so soon - it's not iworth risking their wellbeing and safety.

Have you done a freedom programme? DV charities run these so sign up for one.

slipmet · 19/05/2024 06:41

Happy birthday and wow what a gift you have given yourself. Freedom from a toxic boyfriend! Get home safely, have a great breakfast with your kids and get rid of anything in your house that reminds you of him. Next, buy brand new bed linen for tonight. The start of a new chapter.

MrsKarlUrban · 19/05/2024 06:45

Hope you get home soon and safely ❤️Happy birthday to you ❤️
You'll breath a sigh of relief later
Check your location settings and block on all things
Best of luck to you

littlebopeepp234 · 19/05/2024 06:47

AmusedPearlSeal · 19/05/2024 02:30

Thanks all for your comments.

I’m staying at his house tonight as it’s my birthday in the morning. I’ve been accused of cheating again. Demanding to look at my phone, I refused, but after a couple of hours of listening to him going on about how I’m a cheating cow and can’t be trusted, demanding to have my phone so he could look through it, I said I would show him that I had nothing to hide and that once I’d done that we were over for good.
He’s looked through my phone and found nothing, his response to not finding anything was that I’d been very silly not to show him in the first place! And that sometimes people get insecure.

I’m now downstairs, trying to sleep on the sofa, waiting for it to be morning so I can go back home and I will never be coming back.

Well done op. My heart sank when I read that you was at his house and you showed him the messages but then I had a massive sigh of relief when I read that you have now told him it’s over.

What will happen now is he will twist it around and make you appear like the villain, he will tell everyone that it’s you who has a problem and that he’s innocent. He will also try to convince you that you have wronged him in some way. When he realises that tactic doesn’t work and he’s lost you for good he will then come back begging for another chance, being nice, apologising…. Please don’t take the bait. It’s a typical abuser tactic to rope you back in and once he has done so he will be nice for a while and then his previous behaviour will get much worse as he now knows he got away with it and you took him back. If you don’t take him back after all his begging and pleading he may turn nasty, hurl abuse at you, stalk you, harass you. So please make sure you have changed the locks on all your doors and have a camera set up! He absolutely seems this type of person from what you have posted.

alrightluv · 19/05/2024 06:47

Thank goodness you're leaving this awful relationship. I hope your dcs didn't hear what he said?

Happy birthday 🍰

Icepinkeskimo · 19/05/2024 06:48

Well this went from creepy to abusive behaviour on his part very quickly. Get yourself and your DC home asap, please post when your home safe OP, I’m worried tbh.

Noras · 19/05/2024 06:49

Can you text a friend to come over to be there when you leave - it might be safer to have someone else there.

JanglingJack · 19/05/2024 06:50

Come on kids, up you pop, taxi's here to go home - no you don't need to get dressed. Off we go.

Why are playing with fire OP?

Howbizarre22 · 19/05/2024 06:56

NorthUtsireSouthUtsire · 18/05/2024 09:17

Fucking hell - I know MN sees almost all men as potential predators but really ? Based on NOTHING other than he doesn't usually come over and briefly alluding to something in 'December' but not expanded upon. -

Perhaps if you had told us that in December that he had wanted to put surveillance cameras up in your house then we could make a reasoned argument as to this visit BU/NBU.

However as there is no back story, surely a surprise visit from a partner of 18 months is nothing other than a romantic gesture.?

I do find the frequency in which so many posters leap to the assumption that, a man in a longstanding relationship first thoughts are nefarious and unpleasant towards their partners rather than romantic and thoughtful - really quite twisted - and perhaps a sign that they have been reading to many MN posts.

People forget that posters don't post about normal happy relationships. Too much MN would leave the less discerning to believe that every adult male is out to beat, cheat, gaslight and stalk us. The reality is that this is not the norm. Therefore I cannot see why this man's behaviour is strange in any way.

Asking to location share is also a red herring. I share with my adult children and dil. As they do with me. I asked my DH if he wanted to and he doesn't. Which I accept. It doesn't mean I think he is out shagging the local netball team. .

Naive. I was inclined to think you were a man until you mentioned otherwise. A single woman living with her children is vulnerable- a partner she’s not been with very long at all just letting himself into their home unannounced? That’s not ok. It’s not a nice “surprise” hence why OP feels the threat of it. (I also think leaving back door unlocked is incredibly unsafe too I strongly advise to stop doing this OP).
He shouldn’t have done this & I do feel he was checking up on you OP, especially with the previously wanting you to share your location. Your mum obviously agrees and she’s closer than any of us to you & your situation. I would:

*check your location has not been enabled on your phone-someone upthread shared how to do this and check the house for anything suspicious as your mum said.

*tell him it was not ok to just let himself in- it frightened you as could’ve been anyone. (a lot of burglaries are done by opportunists checking doors)

*Keep your doors locked

*Consider your relationship seriously because your gut is clearly telling you he’s controlling and you don’t trust him. Controlling behaviour normally escalates. Also please do share what other thing he did that you alluded to in your post as that sounds like it too may be relevant here.

**edited to say i see additional comments after i wrote this. Sounds like you 100% need to get rid OP

TheTartfulLodger · 19/05/2024 06:59

Hate to say it but his reaction gives me a horrible feeling there may be another restraining order coming right up.

KimberleyClark · 19/05/2024 07:11

FictionalCharacter · 18/05/2024 12:27

Wake up! All this controlling behaviour and you still think it was "sweet" that he turned up uninvited to check up on you.
If you don't end this now you're on the road to being on the receiving end of serious abuse. And you're putting your children at risk.
Stop taking this so lightly. It's serious.

Show quote history

The OP never said she thought it was sweet. Another poster did.

isthismylifenow · 19/05/2024 07:13

Happy birthday OP.

So your gut feeling was correct to post. You knew something was not right. He was checking up on you.

In the future please do not ignore these gut feels.

Get the kids up and go home. Asap.

Then keep your doors locked!