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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel the school mums dislike me

144 replies

INeedAChange22 · 16/05/2024 23:16

I feel the school mums hate me. DS in year 2 so I’ve known them for quite a bit of time. Yesterday was class assembly and I still feel sad about the feelings I got from them. I’ll try to explain the event factually rather than emotionally: we were queuing outside and I chatted away to a couple of mums all pleasant but I get the feeling they don’t like me as the looks a couple of them give me like a smirky bitchy look and don’t say hello until I say it first. They are in their little group and I feel I can’t get involved. How can I not feel like this? Why does it hurt so much to be ignored by them?

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me. Funny enough, every person from that group has been to my house and had a playdate with my son! But when they’re a group they seem to ignore me.

any tips and advice on how to be stronger and not let this get me so down that it affects me for a long while?

There’s one in particular whose really funny as in she texts me once in a while saying “hey hun how are u” etc. and when I see her one to one she is really nice but in that group she gives me bitchy smirky looks and acts like we’re not friends but alone she acts like we’re friends. I’m so confused by this.

OP posts:
AnnetteKurtan · 16/05/2024 23:22

Bump them all and just pick up/drop off your kid and go. I hated the playground mum cliques. When I moved my kids schools I didn’t know a soul, didn’t even try, and the school runs were bliss!

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:24

Unfortunately,there are school cliques and mother superiors who are mean to other parents
Dont expend energy trying to appease,or mollify or fit in with these parents
Be cordial but not involved and don’t sweat it. Maintain a noncommittal stance
Finally any time someone post there are mean parents at their school, another set of posters will vehemently protest no one is mean at any school gates and they’ve met lovely super people. So must be you . They’re blinkered and deluded. And most probably part of the problem

EmilyTjP · 16/05/2024 23:30

Are you sure they are bitchy smirky looks or are you just assuming this? You said you would explain factually, but it isn’t a fact, it’s your opinion that they’re doing this.

ChestnutGrove · 16/05/2024 23:33

There were bitchy parents at my dcs' primary school. (One was a dad.) Try to just focus on the nice ones, even though just like when you were at school the mean ones can feel more dominant.
Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them think you care. Try and chat to the normal ones. When your kids leave the school and go to secondary you'll rarely see them or think about them.

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:33

EmilyTjP · 16/05/2024 23:30

Are you sure they are bitchy smirky looks or are you just assuming this? You said you would explain factually, but it isn’t a fact, it’s your opinion that they’re doing this.

As predicted, an undermining must be you,not thempost. Insinuating op has it all wrong,they’re just looking

ChestnutGrove · 16/05/2024 23:37

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:33

As predicted, an undermining must be you,not thempost. Insinuating op has it all wrong,they’re just looking

Show quote history

Agreed. OP was there and I'm sure can tell the difference between a bitchy smirk and a friendly smile. Every parent in the country isn't pleasant and agreeable.

Misthios · 16/05/2024 23:37

And on the flip side, there are some mothers who see bitchy/smirky looks which don't exist and think everyone is laughing at them or deliberately being mean. Or can't understand why people aren't rushing over to be their best friend and assume it's because they are being mean/aloof, when in fact it's actually because they have 1001 other things to think about.

This idea that you instantly become best friends with the other 29 mothers who happen to have children the same age as yours is nuts.

OP thinks she is being ignored, but in reality, people are just talking they know already.

ChestnutGrove · 16/05/2024 23:38

Misthios · 16/05/2024 23:37

And on the flip side, there are some mothers who see bitchy/smirky looks which don't exist and think everyone is laughing at them or deliberately being mean. Or can't understand why people aren't rushing over to be their best friend and assume it's because they are being mean/aloof, when in fact it's actually because they have 1001 other things to think about.

This idea that you instantly become best friends with the other 29 mothers who happen to have children the same age as yours is nuts.

OP thinks she is being ignored, but in reality, people are just talking they know already.

Were you there? OP was.

Misthios · 16/05/2024 23:39

Every parent in the country isn't pleasant and agreeable.

Agreed. But again, this idea of a hardcore of downright nasty people in every school in the country, actively trying to be horrible to other women isn't anything I recognise from any school i've ever been into.

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:40

Pretty soon,the other it is you,not them parents will arrive. Regale us with tales of their PTA friendship bonds and quash any reports of mean parents. Anywhere

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:43

The other variation is the well,I have never observed mean parents at any school. Inference is must be made up, or misconstrued

SpringerFall · 16/05/2024 23:44

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:33

As predicted, an undermining must be you,not thempost. Insinuating op has it all wrong,they’re just looking

Show quote history

So how do you know what is going on in their heads? this idea of I feel judged and they are putting effort into bad thoughts about me is very narcissist, no offense to school parents I know but my life is busy enough without giving them such detailed thoughts

ChestnutGrove · 16/05/2024 23:44

Misthios · 16/05/2024 23:39

Every parent in the country isn't pleasant and agreeable.

Agreed. But again, this idea of a hardcore of downright nasty people in every school in the country, actively trying to be horrible to other women isn't anything I recognise from any school i've ever been into.

No one has said this exists in every school in the country though. Just because you haven't personally experienced this it doesn't mean that no-one has in any school.

CharlotteRumpling · 16/05/2024 23:46

If they don't say hello until you say it first, what would happen if you didn't say hello and went over to the 3 mums who did say hello?

bossybloss · 16/05/2024 23:47

EmilyTjP · 16/05/2024 23:30

Are you sure they are bitchy smirky looks or are you just assuming this? You said you would explain factually, but it isn’t a fact, it’s your opinion that they’re doing this.

Really? Did you have to ask this ?

BlessedKali · 16/05/2024 23:47

Two options:

  1. They're bitchy/jealous/cliquey and are genuinely being 'mean girls' - your only sensible option here is to rise above it. Water off a ducks back - don't give a fuck what they think, who even are they anyway? No-one of any importance.

  2. They are busy, tired mums, who have a little friendship group, and you are a bit paranoid and maybe slightly insecure and are reading into things that aren't really there. In which case, doesn't matter, crack on with your life, don't worry about them.

Basically the solution to both situations is the same, you just do you and don't worry about anyone else.

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:48

The mean Parents,school cliques it’s common enough to be basis of motherland and Kathryn Ryan et al have significant mileage from it. Why is it so commonly reported and represented in comedy,media,online, SM and press If it is really an outlier unusual event.

bossybloss · 16/05/2024 23:49

Misthios · 16/05/2024 23:39

Every parent in the country isn't pleasant and agreeable.

Agreed. But again, this idea of a hardcore of downright nasty people in every school in the country, actively trying to be horrible to other women isn't anything I recognise from any school i've ever been into.

Well you have been lucky!

Moveoverdarlin · 16/05/2024 23:49

I find this too. Some Mums are so weird. Some will speak and you get on well but if they’re with someone higher up the school social hierarchy you’re completely ignored. I’ve had lots of nice one on one chats with many of them, but I’ve come to realise I’ll never be in a gang.

Misthios · 16/05/2024 23:50

I do agree @SpringerFall , it is quite self-centred to think that you are so interesting or important that out of all the mums at the school gate, you are the one that the "Queen Bees" have chosen to make the target of their bitchy smirks. What makes you so special?

It's Occam's Razor. What's more likely - a hardcore of mums who have decided to be actively mean and nasty, or a group of mums who have their heads filled with all sorts of other stuff and the "bitchy smirk" is actually them trying to work out what they will cook for dinner, where they recognise you from, or whether you're Dan or Donna's mum.

CharlotteRumpling · 16/05/2024 23:51

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:48

The mean Parents,school cliques it’s common enough to be basis of motherland and Kathryn Ryan et al have significant mileage from it. Why is it so commonly reported and represented in comedy,media,online, SM and press If it is really an outlier unusual event.

Because we all go through the world thinking we are more important than we are. It is the human condition.

Chickenuggetsticks · 16/05/2024 23:54

Oh yeah definitely happens, I’ve met some lovely people and the cliques as well. Focus on the lovely people. Honestly don’t let these people live rent free in your head. Be pleasant but don’t go out of your way. If they don’t say hi don’t bother.

Cannotbebothered19 · 16/05/2024 23:54

Just concentrate and get to know the mums that were friendly. Please don’t try to be with the in crowd. It will all fall apart which I witnessed at primary school and you will have a solid friendship group.
I have met up with friends I met at primary school over the last 10 years since my youngest left primary. We are not part of a group,just made friends individually and met every few months for coffee/ wine etc.

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 16/05/2024 23:56

I don't really care about the other mums on the school run. I happen to live in a small village and we all met in some way or other prior to my child starting the nursery. It's just general chit chat and bye. I have one playdate arranged for my 3 year old but only because the other mum happens to have twins as well like me. Don't let the mean ones occupy so much space in your mind

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2024 23:56

Misthios · 16/05/2024 23:50

I do agree @SpringerFall , it is quite self-centred to think that you are so interesting or important that out of all the mums at the school gate, you are the one that the "Queen Bees" have chosen to make the target of their bitchy smirks. What makes you so special?

It's Occam's Razor. What's more likely - a hardcore of mums who have decided to be actively mean and nasty, or a group of mums who have their heads filled with all sorts of other stuff and the "bitchy smirk" is actually them trying to work out what they will cook for dinner, where they recognise you from, or whether you're Dan or Donna's mum.

unnecessarily critical of @INeedAChange22 . Why are you so defensively seeking to diminish & minimise her experience. Self centred? You’re critical and undermining her post and character to vehemently argue there are no mean parents. The its not them,it’s you attack.