To Feel the school mums dislike me

[INeedAChange22]

I feel the school mums hate me. DS in year 2 so I’ve known them for quite a bit of time. Yesterday was class assembly and I still feel sad about the feelings I got from them. I’ll try to explain the event factually rather than emotionally: we were queuing outside and I chatted away to a couple of mums all pleasant but I get the feeling they don’t like me as the looks a couple of them give me like a smirky bitchy look and don’t say hello until I say it first. They are in their little group and I feel I can’t get involved. How can I not feel like this? Why does it hurt so much to be ignored by them?

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me. Funny enough, every person from that group has been to my house and had a playdate with my son! But when they’re a group they seem to ignore me.

any tips and advice on how to be stronger and not let this get me so down that it affects me for a long while?

There’s one in particular whose really funny as in she texts me once in a while saying “hey hun how are u” etc. and when I see her one to one she is really nice but in that group she gives me bitchy smirky looks and acts like we’re not friends but alone she acts like we’re friends. I’m so confused by this.

I've no doubt this happens, since so many parents have reported that it does. My kid's in Y5 now. The parents here are mostly superficially pleasant which is all that's needed. If there are cliques, these have passed beyond my notice.

I belong to the year Whatsapp group, which for years has been mostly sensible and primarily concerned with reminders about school activities or requests for this week's spelling list. A couple of times across the years things took an odd turn: one being an attempt to bully teachers (I withdrew for the remainder of that year) and the usual COVID neighbourhood policing in which paticular parents attempted to involve the school. All this achieved as far as I'm concerned is that I now know who to avoid like the plague.

I view most friendships as ephemeral and real ones as rare. Even those with close friendship groups at this stage will probably find they don't go the distance. I liked the mums in our BF group or in DC's nursery days, and we did socialise together, but I (and some others) have now moved from that area, are out of sight and out of mind, and I understand that's the way life is. I'd be pleased to see them if we met, but to everything there is a season and these sort of friendships don't necessarily last. That's okay.

As to primary school, I'm here to drop off or collect my kid. I'll chat in the playground, otherwise I'm quite happy to stand on my own. Mostly I just smile and say hello. This demands approximately 5-10 minutes out of my day and should take up precisely that amount of headspace.

It's much harder to bully or exclude people who are merely oblivious. Sorry this has made you feel so awful, though, OP. Alternatively from feeling an outsider to those who grew up in my village and have established friendships, I find being on the periphery far more comfortable. True friendships don't always spring up from the contexts we expect

🙄

For whatever reason they are not interested in a relationship with you. It sounds as if they have enough friends already, there's no opening.

Focus your energy on the 3 friendly ones who sound as if they have space for you in their group and are willing to include you.

Oh come on now. Do you do a bitchy smirk when you’re thinking about tonight’s casserole?

If you get that vibe then you're probably right that they don't like you. Were the play dates initiated by you or them?

Why not spend time with the ones who are nice to you?

I'll be honest in that I have felt this and I have also seen it as a third party. There are people in groups I'm in that others don't like and they are nice people but I see why others might not want to be friends with them and they have no idea.

One of them is just quite difficult to talk to and only talks about herself and tbh e other is similar except she's quite braggy and shows off. I suppose maybe they're just not your tribe. This may sound harsh but they don't have to be your friend and don't invite them over if they ignore you as a group.

Agree with this

The mean girls at school grow up and become the mean mums at the school gates and the workplace bullies. They never go away.

My method of dealing (and I was older with bags of confidence) was to fix a smile on my face and pass the time of day with everyone. If they couldn't bring themselves to be polite, I would ignore their rudeness and move on to the next person. If I was feeling especially bitchy, I would address them with something personal that we had spoken about 1to1 - "is your mother feeling better now after her terrible cough? It can take a while to clear up in older people." Make it clear to everyone listening that she does speak to you when they are not around.

Smirk back. That'll piss them off

Do something to build yr self esteem.
avoid school mummy mafia.

Many of the school mums I met behaved like we were still at school.
Thankfully I don't have much to do with them now DS is older.

That is what was thinking!

Three lovely mums who were welcoming, but OP was upset about the 'clique?'

I’m just going to kick it.

Not everyone likes everyone and not everyone has to be friends.

The fact you’re prioritising this over those who’ve been nice screams “pick me”. It’s incredibly off putting.

It's fairly obvious who in these comments is in a mean clique-y Mum group and who isn't.

IMO school mums are weird and not friends. I have multiple examples -

DDs friend's mum came round for a brew, invited us to their wedding and still blanks me at school as though we don't know each other. Gave up on that friendship as it felt like she was my friend but only if nobody else was watching.

Another friend's mum would constantly tell me what good friends we were, called me all the time. As soon as they left for high school she blocked me on WhatsApp and hasn't spoken to me, even in passing. I asked her if I did something to offend her. "They aren't friends since they went to high school" and walked off. So our friendship was conditional on our kids staying friends.

A mum, and neighbour, who is horrible to me at home and gossips about me in her garden. Waves at me at school but never talks to me.

Like I wrote - weird. Try not to let them bother you. Everyone stands in groups at school here too. I'm the only wheelchair user I've seen there, ever. Nobody talks to me and everyone stares. There's meme pages devoted to the school playground at pickup times.

Don't give them any head space OP. Ignore and move on. Say hi to the mums who are friendly. My Dc's are all at secondary school and I remember the primary school gate very well. Just drop off with a friendly smile and go. My dc's were at a tiny village school so everyone was related or the mums attended knew each other because they all grew up together. I moved to the area so didn't know anyone which didn't bother me. I weren't there to make friends and my dc's enjoyed primary school and had friends. I did make a great friend through primary school. Our ds's are best friends and it happened naturally for us. We just got on when we bumped into each other. Our boys are teenagers now and go to different secondary schools but still the best of friends. Don't be desperate with the other parents as you are probably ignoring great friendships with the friendly mums because you are giving so much head space with the clicky ones.

Why is it hurting? Because their behaviour, or your assumptions about their behaviour, is snagging a belief or fear you have about yourself not being good enough, liked, or something similar. It is not nice behaviour, and we know that there are some bitchy cliques among school mums, but in the scheme of your life, how important is this really? How much will it matter next year? In 5 or 10 years? You have said there are friendly mums, so you could concentrate on them and accept that these people, when in a group, are not particularly nice. It does not reflect on you that they are like this.

I know its hard, but stop caring so much, arrive at the school playground 1 minute before your kid is due out, collect them and leave.

Like in every environment there will be the bitchy ones OP but you have to just ignore them like others above said focus on the ones who you do get a positive vibe from.

There was this one mum who has a daughter same age as mine and who my daughter really likes and they have a few other close friends in their group. I had a decent conversation with her etc a few times and was always nice to her etc went to her bday. She started inviting the other and excluding my dd and became very bitchy with me so I just completely blank her. DD is still good friends with her dd and recently I was with the other mums and she approached and sort of had no choice but to speak to me asked me how I was I said I was fine and didn’t ask her how she was. I continue to blank her. No time for people like that.

Ignore the bitchy smirk mums and talk to the nice ones.

If they'll have you. You've admitted you kind of ignore them because you're more interested in the bitchy smirky mums.

I just couldn’t have given an absolute flying fuck about the other parents. If they were friendly, great. If not, who cares? I was more than happy to stand by myself. Or chat to random grandparents/child minders etc.

I was purely there for my kids and to make sure they were ok. (They were fine and had lots of friends).

Ironically, being happy in your own skin and not being needy for the validation of others means people do gravitate. That’s when you scoop up the really nice ones, and other people who are secure enough not need the safety of sheep groups and the “huns”.

3 mums said hi to you and made conversation, how many more are you expecting to socialise with waiting for a school event?! It’s school - not a networking event or a party!

Yes OP weirdly enough school can sometimes bring out old insecurities of playground dynamics in the parents. It’s usually the ones who were insecure/ bullied etc at school who are determined to try to pull a perch at ( what they perceive as) the top of the stack in a kind of confused bid to not repeat their experience and also, I think, because it will (in their minds) help their dc. It’s a bit pitiful but it can - and does - happen.

If, being totally honest with yourself, you are sure it is happening, I guess what you are really asking us is why .

So we can give you more accurate feedback, just being 100 per honest, and bearing in mind that this is anonymous, are there any reasons why you feel this could be directed at you? That ISN’T to blame you: it’s likely their issue . But nonetheless people with issues have triggers. Being totally honest, are you more qualified/ less qualified, more attractive/ less attractive, wealthier/ less wealthy etc ? Is your dc more capable / less capable and so on? Could you be seen as aloof? You clearly aren’t at heart or this wouldn’t be bothering you.

None of these are valid things for grown, fully emotionally mature women to get triggered by, but if you can try to be as objective as possible ( neither too modest nor deluded) you might start to get a feel for what could be triggering them. Once you think you might be onto it, acknowledge it in your own mind for what it is and park it. I think the wondering why is possibly haunting you more than the fact of it. And being able to move on and not care is the healthiest way forward. But it sounds to me as though you need an answer in your mind to why.

Thankfully at DC primary school the vast majority of the mums/dads were not like this but a small minority were like this. The insecure ones who want to level themselves above you in some way.

There was a mum like this in the year group between my DC. She would 'pick' on someone to ignore/be cool with. Then she did it to someone who was quite vocal about it (within established group) and it transpired that she had done it to 4 other people (suddenly turning for a while) but they didn't say anything.

One of our neighbours is like this too - the patronising smirk. It reveals a lot about a person. In his own head he thinks is more intelligent/wealthier than everyone else and wants to let you know. I suspect the complete opposite is true.

Honestly OP - it is great - they are telling you exactly who they are and this is very useful information. Quick smile/breezy hello - don't bother getting to know them more, they really won't be worth it.

This poster has described exactly the insecure type “ wanting to level themselves above you” that I was meaning.

edited to say that I only disagree that in their mind they are in some way superior. I personally think it’s when in their mind they aren’t but are desperately trying to be. Genuinely secure people simply cannot be bothered with all this.

Ignore them, they sound immature and annoying - you don’t want to be friends with them anyway. Find nice people to hang out with.