To Feel the school mums dislike me

[INeedAChange22]

I feel the school mums hate me. DS in year 2 so I’ve known them for quite a bit of time. Yesterday was class assembly and I still feel sad about the feelings I got from them. I’ll try to explain the event factually rather than emotionally: we were queuing outside and I chatted away to a couple of mums all pleasant but I get the feeling they don’t like me as the looks a couple of them give me like a smirky bitchy look and don’t say hello until I say it first. They are in their little group and I feel I can’t get involved. How can I not feel like this? Why does it hurt so much to be ignored by them?

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me. Funny enough, every person from that group has been to my house and had a playdate with my son! But when they’re a group they seem to ignore me.

any tips and advice on how to be stronger and not let this get me so down that it affects me for a long while?

There’s one in particular whose really funny as in she texts me once in a while saying “hey hun how are u” etc. and when I see her one to one she is really nice but in that group she gives me bitchy smirky looks and acts like we’re not friends but alone she acts like we’re friends. I’m so confused by this.

I cannot comment on whether they genuinely dislike you. It is quite possible that they do, but it is also possible that they don’t. If you really feel that they don’t, remove their power. Stop trying, stop saying hello.

Considering how horrible they make you feel, I’d be more worried that you are doing the same to the nice mums.

I think the nice parent made it clear what she thinks, so it's likely not to be a personal grudge against just you. I wouldn't divulge into your negative thoughts about the mean mum because you could end up gossiping and judging which would be repeating the very act you are tormented by. I also only share my personal and agonising thoughts in MN. I would never want to share with anyone real that I know

The only way to deal with exclusion from a clique is to self exclude. The only power these 'high status' groups have is when other people want to be in the group. If all the nice pleasant people ignored them rather than tried to get in with them, they wouldn't be socially important any more. Stop giving nice women half your attention hoping nasty ones will be nice to you. You know how daft that is.

This. Stop obsessing over these women and discussing them with your nice friends.

I never got the hype for school gate mums.

It can be so cliquey at the school gates. Individually they are probably OK.

This. You can ignore the clique. I was not in the clique but spoke individually to some of the mums that were. I made 2 good friends from my kids primary school days and was on chatting terms with about another 6 non cliquey mums. We laughingly referred to ourselves as ‘the beta mums’ because we were not ‘in’ with the ‘Alpha’ group ! We really could not be arsed to worry about whether the others liked us or not. Focus on the mums you get along with that are not high maintenance, forget the ones that are unfriendly or rude.

I have nothing to do with other parents, they just had kids around the same time, there’s literally no reason to be involved or interact with them in any way.

That is the joys of the school playground. I found myself in a school mum’s book club, but clearly I wasn’t acceptable and got ignored even at people’s houses when we met. As time went on and I went to more of these it became very uncomfortable, they were all going off doing other things and seeing each other at other things, even going on trips abroad for long weekends. I got invited to nothing, I felt completely snubbed and actually made me feel worthless. Particularly one mum, who like you said seemed so nice one to one and I had her round my house often with the kids, but when the kids were at school she didn’t even have time for a coffee, despite not working and noticeably never commented on my Facebook posts, which was a sign she didn’t want to appear that she was friendly to me. Be careful and protect yourself. Some women are just not what they appear. All these people from a well off area we live in. Stick to having the children over. Keep your distance from the parents is my advice, keep it more like acquaintances, these women will never be your friends. They don’t deserve your effort or time.

Wonder if the three mums who spoke to the OP went away thinking 'we tried to talk to Linda but she was distracted and kept looking over to the other mums so she clearly doesn't like me'??

This is unbelievable. I never comment on anyone's Facebook posts. Doesn't mean I hate them. People are allowed to choose whom they want to travel with too.

You are entitled to politeness and civility at the school gates.You are not entitled to close friendship.

They were apparently ‘including’ me, but there was a lot of passive aggressiveness looking back which I didn’t spot as had never come across that before. I was friendly, but there was a vibe. You have no idea so, with respect, what you’ve said is absolute rubbish. This particular person turned out to be totally fake, and just liked to appear nice. She would made lots of promises to people too then let them down as she had a better offer with more ‘in’ people. Maybe you’re one of those ‘in’ people who think they’re too good and actually say out loud they ‘have enough friends’ when they decide a new person they clearly aren’t interested in is not to their liking, the penny then dropped that also applied to me. I was to be designated just an acquaintance when I thought we were friends. I was at a low point in my life and didn’t have many friends. So think, you don’t know what people are going through, kindness goes a long way. And it wasn’t about Facebook, that was just another clue, as they would comment on others posts sometimes, but literally never with mine, that along with all the other signs is what told me. I’m possibly slow, because I don’t expect such horrible behaviour. She went off with these others abroad etc and I was totally left out when we were all meant to be a group.

Yes, I am definitely one of those people.🙄 You don't really know anything about me. But as a general life rule, nobody is expected to comment on your FB posts..People have other stuff to do. That's not being unkind.

I wouldn't. You're better off focusing on having an enjoyable time with this mum and chatting about stuff you both like. It may come across as needy or bitching and you run the risk of her wondering if you'd bitch about her behind her back. Just wipe them from your potential friend list and focus on building relationships with people who are friendly.

There are loads of these at my children’s schools.

It is so pathetic to be a 20-40-something year old woman, and to think your social status as a playground mum is in any way important. They need to rethink their lives, not you OP.

Your comment missed the point. I wasn’t basing everything on FB comments 🙄 but a number of clues in real life too!

I’m sorry you are going through this- i am also going through similar. My DS is in Y2 too, and from Reception, I’ve been blanked, Ostracised and my DS has been excluded from parties (including an end of year one with all the class- except him) for reasons unknown. I know it’s not my DS as he’s the most polite, friendly and kind child I know.
My youngest DS starts Reception in September and they’ve had some taster days. unfortunately half of the class are siblings and so I’m dealing with the same lots of parents! I’m already being blanked by other mums as they have already been taken under the cliquey mums wings.

I honestly thought my school days were done, but I’d never experienced anything like this before! Sadly we cannot control what others think/do and at times, it doesn’t get me down as I hate the thought of my children missing out.
I now drop off/pick up and don’t speak to hardly anyone.
When they head off to Secondary School, you’ll never have to see them again. I’m sure you’ll agree- no one wants friends like that anyway. 🥰

The thread is 2 months old

This has been my experience with other girls/women since I was in school... 😂