To Feel the school mums dislike me

[INeedAChange22]

I feel the school mums hate me. DS in year 2 so I’ve known them for quite a bit of time. Yesterday was class assembly and I still feel sad about the feelings I got from them. I’ll try to explain the event factually rather than emotionally: we were queuing outside and I chatted away to a couple of mums all pleasant but I get the feeling they don’t like me as the looks a couple of them give me like a smirky bitchy look and don’t say hello until I say it first. They are in their little group and I feel I can’t get involved. How can I not feel like this? Why does it hurt so much to be ignored by them?

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me. Funny enough, every person from that group has been to my house and had a playdate with my son! But when they’re a group they seem to ignore me.

any tips and advice on how to be stronger and not let this get me so down that it affects me for a long while?

There’s one in particular whose really funny as in she texts me once in a while saying “hey hun how are u” etc. and when I see her one to one she is really nice but in that group she gives me bitchy smirky looks and acts like we’re not friends but alone she acts like we’re friends. I’m so confused by this.

Just get in and get out every day. There's no real need for you to interact, especially given their behaviour. I had the same so just had earphones in playing music and stood away on my own during every pick up and drop off. I used to be polite and try to natter but after it sinks in that you're not welcome, there's no point in bothering. I figured that I wasn’t there to make friends, I have enough of my own. Kept to it right up until the end of year 6. No skin off my nose 🤷🏻‍♀️

They're not cliques, they're groups of friends.

Surely you don’t want to be friends with bitchy smirky bad vibe people? Refocus on the nice ones who did talk to you.

This.

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me

OP you answered your AIBU in your OP really. You are concentrating on the mums you felt were bitchy and ignoring that others were friendly. Try to do the opposite. Give your headspace to the friendly mums and ignore the others.

Not really, I have some regular parents I talk to at one of DD’s sports things, a parent from her school but not her class also put their kid in and I encouraged her to come sit with us and made sure she was included in the conversation. Thats non clique behaviour. Cliques are the opposite of that.

Do what I do and get in and out in as quickly as possible. I only really do 1 pick up and usually run late for drop offs so I don't have to speak to anyone. I have friends outside of school and I really don't care for more so I try not to get involved.

Ignore them. I know for a fact lots of the school mums hate me and my kid. But they are not people I would want to be friends with anyway.

Honestly wish I had just done this, am now in the awkward position of being spoken to sometimes and blanked at other while sitting a metre away. I keep it pleasant either way because we are in a small gossipy community but seriously it’s just not worth the discomfort tbh. I do go out of my way with parents of children my DD actually plays with but other than that I’m not going to bother next year. I’m an introvert and find it stressful.

Exactly. I mean, so what if they think you’re awful?

There was a parent of a child in DS’s class who was objectively awful (in that she harassed teachers and fellow-parents to the point where she was officially banned from the playground and attending any school events), but I doubt my opinion of her makes her cry herself to sleep.

Stop wasting time on them/thinking about them and make an effort with the nice ones.

I get it, OP. None of the other parents from DS's class will talk to me. I am ND, and so (we suspect- awaiting diagnosis) is DS. The other parents are a heavily conventional bunch, to say the least, and I think they have a strong suspicion of everything they perceive as "weird". There is one friend I have from among the class parents (actually a couple, who divide pick ups)- uncoincidentally also a ND family, but they have a girl, and the class culture is heavily against girls playing with boys.

I know it's not us, because I moved DS from another school a couple of years ago, and I was always chatting with other parents in the playground there, DS had plenty of playdates etc. I even have good friends with kids in other years at the new school, just not in DS's class. I have plenty of friends outside the school gates, too.

It's definitely a bit soul destroying- I have no urge to be bosom buddies with these people at all, but being blanked is painful as a social animal. Luckily DS will be allowed to walk home on his own from year 5, and he seems largely oblivious to the lack of playdates.

There was an awful clique of mums in my dds class...they really seemed to dislike me. I'm a reasonably normal pleasant person....😂it was horrible. Anyway my dh basically said to me that they were cowards who are terrified of going against the group and being ostracised themselves. Instead of finding them intimidating I started to find them pathetic and weak. Hold your head up high op.

I just say hi to the few i know and pick my ds up.I have no desire to make conversation I have friends for that.They sound awful id steer clear.

I’ve never been a clique-y mum ever. There’s always the odd mum (like me) that stands apart and it’s mainly because I’m shy and I don’t really want to make chit chat! I’d just see school pickup as what it is, why would you care what these women think?

Well first, I’d stop speaking to anyone who called me “hun” in a text message, but I suppose that’s a side issue.

I think you need to concentrate on the ones who were pleasant to you, not the ones that were iffy.

I suspect many mums are shy and reserved, and it's mistaken as being snobby and stuck up.

I had the good fortune never to meet women like this until the school gates. there was a clique that was so proud of itself. They hauled me in, then dropped me, then (once I'd got over the initial confusion and hurt) realised I didn't seem to give a stuff about being dropped and tried to haul me in again. They did this to everyone.

Ignore them all. Focus on the mums who do chat who are outside of that clique. You will find friends who matter to you. If your child is friendly with their children, you can still organise playdates, but try to encourage other friends too otherwise you'll get asked why Ollie and Ellie and Noah all went to the beach/circus/zoo together this weekend and they weren't invited.

It's horrible behaviour. They are not happy women.

If your son was in your shoes, what would you advise ? My guess is that you would tell him to play with the friendly boys because the other ones don’t want to be friends.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a pp to ask if it could be all in your imagination because we live in a world where there’s a record number of people with anxiety and feeling of anxiety could cause someone to perceive things through a warped lense.

OP, you need to gain a backbone and stop trying to chase for the approval of these mums. If they are smirking and bitchy then it sounds like they are not the sort of people who are similar to you to make good friendships. Pursue friendships with the nice mums. That’s the sort of quality that is important , not the ability to bitch and sneer.

But didn’t you ignore the other mums?!

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me

Why are you not focusing on building relationships with these mums?? Assuming there's 20-30 kids in the class, you aren't going to be friends with everybody, so work on the ones that at least seem nice. As PP says, you don't need their approval!

You mentioned in your post that there were three mums who were genuinely friendly to you, but you were fixated on these other mums. You don’t want to end up losing the mums who are open with you and the potential friendships they might represent because you’re obsessing about what some other people think about you. It’s just not worth it, and the ones that do like you at the moment might come to think you’re being a bit weird with them.

Schools have changed since my 2 went.
I took them to school picked them up from school i never got involved with school gate mums.
Just normal chit chat sometimes nothing else.
Didnt do play dates either friends at school you dont need them in my house.
Holidays and nice weekends go out and play with your mates we had no need for school whats app and taking numbers arranging play dates.
Or making mum friends.
But as i said times have changed thank god i dont have to deal with it.

I dont bother with school gate mums never have.
I feel sometimes theres more drama with the mums than the kids.
Its a school for your child/children not a adult playground.

Don't waste your energy on them. They were probably the mean girl clique in school and now they're mean adults. It's their problem not yours.
Stick to the mums who are pleasant instead x