To Feel the school mums dislike me

[INeedAChange22]

I feel the school mums hate me. DS in year 2 so I’ve known them for quite a bit of time. Yesterday was class assembly and I still feel sad about the feelings I got from them. I’ll try to explain the event factually rather than emotionally: we were queuing outside and I chatted away to a couple of mums all pleasant but I get the feeling they don’t like me as the looks a couple of them give me like a smirky bitchy look and don’t say hello until I say it first. They are in their little group and I feel I can’t get involved. How can I not feel like this? Why does it hurt so much to be ignored by them?

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me. Funny enough, every person from that group has been to my house and had a playdate with my son! But when they’re a group they seem to ignore me.

any tips and advice on how to be stronger and not let this get me so down that it affects me for a long while?

There’s one in particular whose really funny as in she texts me once in a while saying “hey hun how are u” etc. and when I see her one to one she is really nice but in that group she gives me bitchy smirky looks and acts like we’re not friends but alone she acts like we’re friends. I’m so confused by this.

So there are three mums who were nice and friendly to you but you weren’t fussed about them, they’re not as important as the mums who are bitchy and cliquey and not nice to you?
I’m afraid with that approach you are not going to come across as very nice to the mums who would actually be friends.

And this is actually unfair on the nice ones OP.

I literally have zero time for them and couldn't care less what they think. I choose my friends, people like that aren't my friends.
I drop and go, attend nativity play/summer show etc but for my child, not to hob nob with types like this.

I’ve not experienced the ‘cliquey school mums’ things but wonder whether it’s certain types of schools?

There are definitely schools where parents arrive with aspirations of widening their social horizons ( not meant in the straightforward, friendly way a poster above meant it, but rather upgrading their level of acquaintances.) Ironically, the only ones they ever really fit in with are the ones who arrive with the same ambitions. The rest stand back and let them grasp.

What's a 'bitchy smirk?'
Maybe the one you like who messages sometimes is just mid conversation with another group, perhaps she's closer to, so just smiles when she sees you so she can keep talking to them?

I think there might be some paranoia here if you haven't fallen out with anyone. Think about when you're talking to the people you do say hi to. There might be another mum on her own thinking 'that group is excluding me they're so bitchy' but it wouldn't be true would it, you can't talk to everyone at once?

Why do you care? They aren't your friends, just mums from your DCs school. Forget about them and concentrate on your family and friends.

I think the dynamic at play at the school gates is on a sliding scale.
There are, as in all walks of life, a few bitchy Queen Bees who manipulate the cliques (which definitely exist).

The Queen Bees are flanked by their "underlings" who are far more passive and wouldn't actively be mean to you, mainly because they are far too busy being grateful that they're not in your shoes (exuding a higher level of relief than a Strictly Couple who've avoided the 'Dance Off'.)

Then there is the third group who have simply reached their quota of "Mum friends", possibly because they already have older kids or work long hours/don't do enough school picks to be affected.

The reality is that after the first few months, many parents are not minded to make more new friends or include others who seem a 'bit left out'. You need to step up!

Be civil to everyone for the sake of your kid and start arranging stuff with the ones you have a connection with. Don't dwell on why the "cool girls" didn't pick you because that achieves nothing and your kid is going be in school a long time. Get some drinks in and get those 3 Mums round for a laugh!!

I didn't really believe the bitchy mum in the playground thing until my children started school. I am not sure why it is so school like and cliquey. I do also think sometimes there's also an element of people making friends/connecting with someone vs their kids just being friends and being civil. Maybe that group just are closer friends and if they're not as keen on you, that's ok!! Not everyone will be your friend and not everyone has to like you, honestly.

Just ignore it, focus on the people who are friendly, be civil and polite and treat it as a "them" problem. Watch motherland for light relief!

Some school mums are absolutely horrid. Bitchy gossips. My husband called them the school mum mafia at my sons old school. We moved and I moved my son to a new school, I don't speak to anyone apart from saying morning. I'm not rude I'm just not getting involved in playground issues. I'm there to collect my son and go home, I've heard them bitching about other mums so why would I want to be involved with that!
I wouldn't worry about it, leave them to it. Go to yours childs things at school, If no one talks to you so what, your there for your child not other people

why would you want to be friends with the ones whom you feel ignored? Doesn’t seem you will find hapiness that way...

did they invite you back? That is how you will know if any friendship is possible...if not...stop putting yourself so low. You deserve so much better!!

be kind to yourself,

This is pretty clearly you, not them. Now, what’s an acceptable, caring way of saying ‘get a bit of self-confidence’? Everyone feels like this sometimes.

Totally agree - it’s a primary school clique thing. Can emerge ( in my experience) amongst non working DP’s. Ignore it. Don’t give it a second thought.

Please don't automatically assume this is what's happening sometimes you have it so wrong. This echos my best friend and I original friendship. I used to go to school a d see her talking to some people a d she never spoke to me just gave me a look that I judged as snotty. She would see me coming up hanging back to avoid that look and talking to others. It's only when I ended up stopping her car from rolling with baby in it when he hand break failed as she got out that we got to know each other and realised how wrong we'd been about each other. My perception of her is what she thought of me and vice versa but in reality neither of us had made the effort and felt like we couldn't because the other appeared hostile whereas in fact all we were was shy. Just bite the bullet and chat to them. The looks may not mean what you think they do.

Welcome to school mum politics 🥲

There were terrible bitchy mums in my dd’s class, but gorgeous lovely ones in my ds’s class. It’s not you, sometimes you just get a bad bunch. Ignore and act like you don’t care.

At one of my sons schools I set up the schools first ever coffee morning ( sen school) one of the mums I already knew from toddler group and it started off amazingly well... until it didn't. People stopped coming to my coffee mornings then thus mum told me that the head had told her I should stop the coffee mornings to concentrate on being a governor ( weird he had to go via her and not talk to me). Then the coffee mornings carried on but I wasn't welcome. The group I had set up I was excluded from.

Next she told me that the chair of governors had told her she though I wanted to step down from being a governor. I replied how bizarre it was as the chair had never ever had such a conversation with me and I was saddened she had go via this mum. I said it was a bit childish and unprofessional. She never contacted me again. I'm still a governor but sadly unlike before I have nothing to do with the parents after that. When I went to school coffee morning she shouted across the hall 'stop chatting, we need help here!' When another parent approached me to talk as you know, a governor.

I'm sure there's some spin that it's me not her

You sound insecure I am the same! Always assume people think the worst and I find the school pick up really awkward! I have a small group I know and we chat, others who’s kids parties I’ve been to who I might acknowledge but don’t chat to and then people I don’t know. I make small talk with the ones I know but if they aren’t there I just stand on my own and wait for my son.
If it bothers you just go and stand near them and make conversation. You’re assuming they’re smirking at you, maybe they expect you to talk to them?

One school mum I am really close to, go out at weekends etc and sometimes we just say hi and that’s it! Pick ups are weird, busy, everyone is tired chaotic etc!

You need to focus on your strengths and not their weaknesses.

Your child needs friends, so which friends will you help support with play dates?

Everyone's child needs activities.

Personally, I always ran homework groups - namely times tables and 11+ groups when my three were growing up. (I made it fun)

But you might love swimming and taking kids swimming.

Or you might love going to the park or kicking a ball around.

Or you might like cooking and baking cakes.

Or you might invite a child for a sleepover.

Or get involved with brownies/girl guides/ scouts - plenty of opportunities to help out.

Just find an activity that benefits your child, which you enjoy, and involve other children.

Seriously, when you do a parental activity, that benefits children socially, emotionally, accademically and/or physical fitness, all parents recognise the benefit for their children.

But if they're dicks. Just create space. You don't need their approval.

You need to focus on the 3 that were nice/pleasant to you..the others should become irrelevant to you when you have others around you that are actually nice!

hold your head high and say hello and carry on with your day/making friends who actually want to be around you 🙂

I saw 2 of them again today and I did what was suggested by some as in give them the benefit of the doubt and I breezily said hello and they ignored me! One scowled at me actually. I just carried on smiling but truthfully I’m feeling quite angry at how dare they make me feel like this. The 3 mums that are nice I don’t often see them as they work full time. I myself work part time so I’m at school a lot. The mums I feel are nasty I see a lot of. It’s not all in my head as there’s other mums I don’t even know the names of and are in different year groups but we say good morning whenever we In eye line of each other and I never leave the interaction feeling bad like I do with the horrible ones in my child’s class. I don’t know what their problem is and quite frankly I should stop caring but I see them so often it starts to grate.

I hated school drop off! There were always cliques and I felt like I was back at school again myself! I would honestly look after your own “inner child” , did you feel like this as a child? Have a read about sub- personalities. Just focus on the one or two nice parents, you don’t need to be everyone’s friend.

I'm so curious what their reason is for this. Why build up a bitter resentment towards someone you barely even know? It's very childish and bizarre but I've noticed a small portion of women are like this and get a real buzz out of gossip and bitchiness

@Mumoftwinsandasingleton one of the nice mums actually said something a while back about one of the 2 I saw today.

She said “she’s very moody” and that “sometimes she talks sometimes doesn’t”, I think she felt embarrassed sharing this with me as she quickly changed subject and never brought it up again and I didn’t think much of it at the time as we all say things we wish we hadn’t! I’m actually meeting one of the nice ones for coffee later this week and I’m wondering if I should share how I’m feeling as I do let it get to me as I take it personally and I don’t share how I feel with anyone apart from on here. It might be good for me as right now I’m taking it personally but maybe others feel same too.

Why does it matter if you let on first or if they let on first? That's just a childish way of thinking. Why bother thinking about the ones that don't let on but the positives of the ones that do?