Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

It might do. Independence is often better for people than co dependence.

Agree.
Even though your ds has been clean since hospital he has caused major issues.
It will take time for your dh to gain trust.
Depression is hard and drugs can be so tempting.
Does your son do any sport.
This can help to lift moods naturally.

would you chuck out an adult with CA or a stoma or cardiac issues? or just young man post psychosis? Does every other illness need tough love or just mental illness?

This, Thank you

No. But the world does not necessarily centre around the ill person. Other people matter - including the OP and her husband. If the OP divorces, then where does the son go? Does OP really need the stress of a divorce on top of the worry and stress of an unwell son? Her son is an adult. He needs to be empowered to manage his illness in a way that enables OP to enjoy her finite life and not be consumed by it. The amount of PPs on here who would be willing to sacrifice their one life to live under the tyranny of a mentally ill adult relative is shocking. The son would likely do better if he was empowered to support himself.

Would you chuck out your adult child if they have cancer, had a car accident that was there fault needing care?

Ok, where should he go to?
He has no money, so that will be the streets then.
I do wonder if some that post on here have any idea what it is like to have adult children.

I'm sure both my disabled adult children would do so much better if they were left to the tender mercies of a failing NHS, a society that doesn't care, and a wider public that thinks they know better.

Psychosis is a severe mental illness, the initial episode and the impact all activities of living . It’s an illness that impacts executive functioning,emotions,judgment, confidence. It isn’t a person shortcoming or being lackadaisical. On fMRI. Brain scan you can see the lesions you see the damage the psychosis impact on the brain . Make no mistake this is a serious illness that takes time to recover. You cannot tough love a recovery. It’s essentially misunderstanding the illness and its impact.

It’s very very excessive getting him drug tested every week!

Seems like you both are overly strict?!

OP, of course if push comes to shove you have to take the side of DS. But it doesn't have to come to that. (It is amazing how many threads on here escalate to LTB based on one or two sentences describing a current crisis.)

Your DH is having trouble coping with the situation because it's hard. Your DS is more important to you than to DH and that is normal. DH may have no experience of any situation remotely similar to this and it is not surprising that he has trouble coping with it.

I think you could maybe consider some kind of family counselling, but if things are otherwise OK between you and DH, don't go looking to break things up. DS's condition is bad, DH's frustrations are worse, but that doesn't mean that any action you might take will help -- it's very possibly the opposite.

👏

While your husband is behaving badly, I suspect there's a bit of balance to be had here.

You've clearly been through it with him but a bit like when your child has a physical illness, it's very easy to start wrapping them up too tightly.

I don't think you've said why he lost his jobs? I do think that when mum is there to pick up all the pieces, it's easier to quit or to not take work as seriously as you should.

Does he have any responsibility? Perhaps it is time for some within reason even if it's just paying rent to you in a formal way (with expectation behind it).

What's done is done with the previous jobs but it sounds like he needs a serious chat/think about what he can and can't manage.

If it needs to be part time, in a different environment, he needs to return to training, work evenings rather than mornings, he has to properly consider what he can manage in the same way anyone with a disability does.

I can understand why your husband feels he can't keep going round this merry go round.

Yes support him but it has to be support with a view to establishing more independence. Not instantly but if these trends become embedded, it's very hard to break.

I think you all need to talk and communicate properly rather than making snap decisions.

Your son is very ill, he is going to need a lot of support to get back to a normal life. In this situation I would choose my child, because he has no one else to advocate for him.

would ask your husband to leave. I would also call a good solicitor and get the ball rolling, your dh has made it very clear he will not support you or your son during the most challenging period. The marriage woukx be over for me in your place. He does not have your back and could be making your son’s condition worse.

I've read through all of your posts and I think you've shown nothing but love and compassion for your son. He needs you right now and you're there for him.

You need your husband right now but he's not there for you. It speaks volumes about him. You deserve better

It’s a shame your husbands given you that ultimatum OP but agree you have to choose your son. Psychosis is very serious especially if exacerbated by drug use. The last thing your son needs is to be kicked to the curb because a man-child doesn’t want to have to deal with it.

Is it possible your DH thinks you're in denial about the potential severity of your son's condition? Just based on my own experience with young men and drugs, an episode of psychosis of the kind you describe sometimes reveals an ongoing MH issue such as schizophrenia that has lain dormant and/or that he has normally managed to mask successfully. He might be back to masking it using adaptive mimicry that he has perfected for years. I really hope I'm wrong, OP, but I'm not sure a month in The Priory helps in the long run with something like this.

@strugglingflower I’m really sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to come on to say I do empathise- my son had an episode of drug induced psychosis when he was 19. It remains one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve had. He’s recovered now (this was several years ago), and sober. The recovery from psychosis is really tough - and, it sounds like maybe with your son, my son lost a lot during the recovery - work, relationships, confidence, identity. It takes a lot to keep them healthy and directed - it’s hard work! And of course you want to support him. I have no advice, really about your husband. However, what I would say is that in my experience, supporting my son with recovery was exhausting and I fully needed the support of friends and family who were kind and non judgemental. As someone said - it’s pure ignorance to think you can aid recovery from psychosis with old school tough love (although there was an aspect of this, to be fair in our case - sticking to a healthy sleep/wake routine, exercise etc). You don’t need the added pressure of an unsupportive/hostile partner. I wouldn’t think that now is the right time for you to be making full blown decisions about your relationship - put it on the back burner for now, and focus on you and your son without guilt or feeling that you “shouldn’t “ be doing that. I hope he continues to recover - he’s lucky to have you standing by him - and I hope you have support for yourself. Focus on that for now, the way will become clear over time with regards to your relationship. Good luck. Feel free to DM if you’d like to chat with someone who has been there ❤️

Getting drug tested once a week, was my way of protecting myself, as I knew that if he went back to drugs he would become ill and I would have to make my son homeless, weed stays in the system for around 8 days, so someone can cheat the system.

I have other people that I needed to protect.

I agree with you, having saw a family go through the same thing unfortunately the situation only got worst and the op could end up coping with the situation on her own, it could be that her husband is at the end of his tether with it.

Op if your very lucky he won't be using anymore stuff but please don't be surprised if he does and much worst than weed.

I saw a family being told by the professionals to cut young adult off as the situation was not helping at all and they didn't listen they cling on and clung on thinking things would change that they would get better, they didn't they got worst and now the whole family have been left with PTSD because of the things that have happened.

Ops husband will be struggling with this, seeing her being treated like a piece of crap and so forth, op please think very carefully before you make any decisions.

I think your best bet OP is to lose the cave man, his way of dealing with things is not at all useful in the modern world.

With all the will in the world, mental illness including psychosis is much much harder to deal with than physical illness. And yes, I would put my own well-being ahead of an adult child who had cancer or an accident if caring for them was going to implode my life and marriage. It’s not ‘kicking them out’ it’s helping them to develop a support system that isn’t you. But some people can’t or won’t put their own life first.

@strugglingflower I am so sorry that you’ve had to come on here and defend yourself. I really have every sympathy for you … he sounds like he had a great future ahead of him ( and I am sure he will once these issues get sorted).
Mental health is one of those things that when on the outside looking in is so easy to judge.
You came of here also in despair at the state of your marriage. I hope things are settling down … he should not have locked you out of bedroom and added to your distress.

You're between a rock and a hard place OP. Your husband should be offering you support, not an ultimatum. Your son is, of course your priority but if you're constantly defending his poor behaviour I can (just) understand your husbands frustration. Would you consider mediation as a couple to deal with this situation? Since you seem to find communication regarding your son difficult
Some types of weed can and do cause psychosis ,which unfortunately doesn't disappear immediately even if the drug use stops.
Your son has overstepped so many boundaries already I would be concerned for your physical safety as well as for your mental well being. Behaviour becomes so unpredictable you will feel that you're constantly waiting for the next "incident".
I would suggest you talk to your local police community engagement officer (if such a thing exists in your area)They should be able to suggest contacts for you to offer support and counselling for you and your son. I would suggest contacting family support services at your local health and care Trust.
I don't think your quite in need of the "tough love" approach yet , throwing him out and leaving him to sink or swim on his own but it's something you might need to consider soon. He's in his 20s, you can't keep being his buffer against real life forever.

This “behaviour” is an illness. Have some compassion.

Would you advise OP not tolerate cancer sympathise with her DP because there’s too much drama and it’s totally draining trying to cope?