Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

a lot of people don’t know, unfortunately. Your son isn’t a disgrace, he’s very ill and I’m so glad to read he is on the road to recovery and is sober.
support your son. This could be a make or break moment.
and your husband doesn’t sound like good news. Not supporting you, locking you out of your room and asking you to choose between him and your SON is not the behaviour of a real man.

I will always choose my kids over anyone else

Im a specialist nurse
Psychosis is a mental illness that causes people to have disrupted thoughts and perceptions, making it difficult to distinguish reality.

• Delusions: False beliefs that are not shared by others
• Hallucinations: Seeing, hearing, smelling, or tasting something that isn't there
• Disorganized thinking: Speech may be fast or constant, or switch from one topic to another

It is a MENTAL ILLNESS!!! him stealing maybe a way of getting attention, cause a reaction to get help?? it is so complex . Everyone is different and present with varying symptoms. Those on here saying his fault smokes weed or all the rest of the crap . Like most of population and not educated in the facts of the condition.

The main thing he needs not is support! Services are stretched but be persistent. Many take their lives because society doesn’t understand or have the time to. Act now

As for your husband v sad way to behave. But he is possibly mentally suffering and saying things he might not mean . Older generations don’t accept such things . Times have v much changed evidence research is developing all the time . I feel your pain but he will get better with the right support

The low point for three friends was

1. when they went tough love on their son who was taking drugs and threw him out. He did straighten out.

1. Another friend their son threw himself from a great height spent many months in hospital. The rehabilitation straightened him out more than anything they said. Seeing paraplegic and quadriplegic patients and living with them helped him.

1. Another friend paid for her son to go to South Africa, spend a year in the middle of nowhere living simply, having therapy with no access to civilization.

OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this big problem. I know the Priory is where the wealthy send their kids or themselves (esp celebs) as they are expensive but private so best care. It shows your excellent intention you have for your son and that you are doing all you can.

How much money in total has your son stolen from your bedroom and whose actual money was it? Yours or husband's?

For you to be able to send him to the P, that means your 80% share of the house is MASSIVE.

With all that you are doing to help, I can say you are committed to this process and you need to be applauded (people say put your money where your mouth is and it is damn true). I am not expert enough to see if maybe you are 'enabling' teh son, so I will leave that.

Having said the above and you saying the son now is 100% clean and vomits because of anxiety/stress (maybe even more stress added by knowing your DH is not supportive of him (your son), stress of his own standing in society that he has lost (as you seem well to do, this is understandable from his perspective; I am sorry to break it to you your DH never loved you to start with but came for the ride until it is now very bumpy and has no interest in being a part of this. My DH nearly lost his business soon after marrying me but I have my own assets through pure hard work, so supported him for himself. Had I got with him for his money, no way would I have stayed as the situation was unbelievably stressful. Business all recovered now and doing even very well, and he keeps thanking me for my moral support- that's the difference.

Thank you.
There’s a lot of ignorance in this thread.

The Priory isn’t just what you describe.

also, the NHS often sends MH patients/clients/service users to the Priory and other private providers when there are bed shortages (which is often)

You really need to talk to your husband.
His behaviour, which I’m sure your son is aware of, will be making your sons issues even worse.
I note you stated he vomits when anxious. I have a son that is similar and stressful environments can make them much worse.
You son needs a peaceful environment and if your dh cannot provide that then he needs to
be educated in your sons needs
or if unwilling, move out.

This isn't really about choosing her son over her husband though. It's about her son treating her like shit because she allows him to. It isn't what is needed for anyone involved. If she doesn't set very rigid expectations with him then he will only get worse and he will drag OP down to rock bottom with him. He needs to float or sink I'm afraid. OP can't be his crutch and his emotional punchbag forever.

Im a specialist nurse
Psychosis is a mental illness that causes people to have disrupted thoughts and perceptions, making it difficult to distinguish reality.

But his psychosis was almost certainly bought on by his choice to use drugs. He may have some mental health issues but what really needs to be tackled is his attitude and his ability to cope with stress otherwise any other treatment is futile. Surely as a MH nurse you realise this....

How long have you been with your DH?

Does he have anywhere he can live for a while?

I do think he should move out for a bit so you can all get your heads straight.

I do feel for your DH but your son is mentally ill and although he’s over the psychosis, he still has a long way to go.

Of course you need to put rules in place for your son but many of his issues will be down to his MH that he can’t help.

Some MNers have no clue about MH.
My mum had psychosis and lost her job, got another one then lost that one too, physically attacked me, tried to kill herself, drove dangerously and crashed with her grandchild in the car, thought people were trying to kill her/dead and many other things.

She is over her psychosis now but she is still very difficult and I feel for you and to an extent DH because it’s not easy.

I think you and DH arguing/having tension over this is not helping anyone though and so I would ask DH to move out temporarily, not separate, just have some space for you all including himself.

Hi I had similar problems with my son. Though not so much the weed, but a severe MH problem made much worse by energy drinks (really). There is psychotic depression- it isn't always mania. My partner (his Dad ) was not good at coping with it all and the family nearly fell apart. His Dad and I went to a family therapist, privately. CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) were worse than useless. A particular shame as I knew a lot of the staff professionally. We worked on parenting together and keeping our relationship going. My response would be to a) get help for yourself; b) get help for your son and C) get help with your relationship with your partner. Good luck.

Asking DH to move out temporarily might help but then son aware mum owns 80% might make it difficult for DH to return. This is a mess. SOrry

@strugglingflower

Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

Yes I agree - this is the end of your marriage. How dare you kick you out of part of your own home should then stonewall you?

Time to get your ducks in a row. You don't need to act in all this now, but have the facts available to you for if/when you want to proceed:

• Take advice quickly (and discreetly). Contact Women's Aid and also have an initial one off consultation with a family law solicitor
• How are you financially placed OP? I see that you have protected your equity (80% vs his 20%). Will he leave the home if you ask him? Can you afford to buy him out?
• If he won't move out, Do you have enough funds to rent somewhere temporarily for you and your son whilst you go through the process of separation and divorce? Or Do you have family who can put you both up whilst you go through this?

• Can you increase your hours or earning power?
• If/when you leave, ensure you both take items of sentimental value, plus legal documentation (birth and marriage certificates, passports, copies of utility bills and investments
• Do you have your own bank account which he cannot access? If not I suggest you open one and have your salary paid into it.
• if you are able to move out without alerting him, also consider transferring 50% of whatever's in the joint current and savings accounts into your own private bank account. Sadly, some partners/husbands have no compunction about punishing their partners/wives by cleaning out bank accounts and leaving them penniless.

I hope you all (including your husband) have a calmer weekend and coming week, but keep your cards about your future as close to your chest as possible. 🌹

Sounds like both the psychosis and the hyperemesis could be caused by the cannabis use. Apparently there's much more of this than in times past.

Anyway, I can see your DH's point of view; psychosis is very frightening and he wants to feel safe in his own home. Why should anybody put up with being stolen from and disrespected in their home.

Also very typical of MH crisis that person involved is in denial and won't engage with services. It's not obligatory to live with your child forever. It's quite reasonable to expect him to engage with services and sort himself out. Get him ongoing care - by means of a.community care order or equivalent if necessary- and pay his first month's deposit and rent on condition he keeps engaging with services.

This was my first thought, so I looked up Aripiprazole. It's a common side effect.

Always choose your son.

It’s not really a choice. It’s your son. It was always your son and it should have happened when it first became apparent the man was an arsehole

1. when they went tough love on their son who was taking drugs and threw him out. He did straighten out.

Glad it worked that time, but it often results in death. Did for a girl I was with in rehab - family wouldn't take her back; she had nowhere safe to go and died two months later. She was 19.

I would, and did support my son over my then ( now Ex) partner who was similarly an arsewipe

To those saying chuck a mentally ill person out of the family home: well that really will improve their mental health won't it?

This absolutely.

Your unempathetic husband will be actively making your son's illness worse.

I’m sorry for what you are going through @strugglingflower I don’t have any advice, just solidarity as a DM of a DS and we live with my DP. I would always choose my DS. I don’t think you deserve to be treated so harshly by your DP. Also, for those who think that this could never happen to their children, educate yourselves, it’s mental health awareness week fgs.

Honestly, the people saying that, or that the son should be left to sink or swim.

just ignore them

I am bipolar and have ADHD, all of my children have ADHD and mental Health issues.

You absolutely have to support your son. If my mother had been more supportive and accommodating at the same age he is now my life would have been very different.

My youngest daughter was diagnosed with ADHD 3 months ago after 2 years of extreme anxiety and school avoidance/mental Heath issues. Sure started on medication and is been transformative. She's attended every single GCSE exam and is flying. The school can't believe she is the same student. With support and medication she is turning her prospects around and has gone from predicted Us across the board from her mocks to blowing her teachers away with her practice papers.

Please stick with him. Ignore the petite saying you are enabling him, his ADHD has clearly flown under the radar and then rapidly caught up with him in early adulthood. This is very common.