Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

You do know that my son does have a support system other than me, you have made some wild assumptions up, which I think make you feel better.

I feel for your future/adult kids if you put yourself and your marriage first above your child that has cancer, IMO that is heartless.

What an ill-informed comment. I’m embarrassed for you.

Do you not think that some of the people that op is defending herself against have probably been through the same scenario and are offering advice that they think might be helpful because they have been there done that and wore the t shirt?

And those that are yes bin the husband have possibly not been through the same situation? This will be affecting the whole family not just the son and the op just keeps defending the son and therefore I wonder how that makes her partner feel? Op might take all their advice onboard and ditch the husband and then end up worst off with a much bigger problem and nobody to lean on, ops husband might be at the end of his rope with everything the son has done.

It's very easy to say yes son has been self medicating but the stealing ect is a behaviour and it's very important to realise the difference because just because someone is mentally unwell does not give them the right to behave in a certain way,.

He’s not a little bit sad or in need of a kick up the bum. But whatever helps you sleep at night.

just because someone is mentally unwell does not give them the right to behave in a certain way,

He doesn’t get to choose how he behaves.

I am not defending myself, I am defending the mentally ill, against people that think hard love will help mental illness, God if it was only that easy.

Some posters have no understanding, empathy or sometimes a clue. Good god I now can see why there is a stigma around mental health issues, some people need to educate themselves.

You have absolutely no idea op and I don't mean to be harsh with that comment but there are some people on here that have been very honest with you. Your son has an addiction problem, the addiction the weed has probably brought on the pychosis, it's a bit of a viscous circle. Good luck.

It sounds as if you are in a strong position financially seeing as the house is 80% yours. Although I notice your husband is behaving as if he owns everything with the locking you out etc!

I have sat through lots of appointments with my son with his doctors, were you at the appointments as well, of course not, so please do not tell me I have no idea, I have a little bit more insight than you.

Take care.

Very helpful comment, thank you for posting this.

Why would what I read or say here, or the fact that a stranger on Mumsnet doesn't agree with me, stop me sleeping at night? In what way am I even remotely responsible for any outcome of this situation? Do you imagine I am secretly Victoria Atkins and have some sort of power here?

There are clearly numerous posters here who dont understand what psychosis is. I'm so sorry that you are getting a hard time on this thread OP.
I agree with @ChicDreamer that @DrFroggy's post was very good.

That poster did nit say how does it stop you sleeping at night, quite the opposite in fact.

Posters are questioning your compassion and your understanding of mental health.

Do you not think if a kick up the bum worked for mentally ill people, their families/friends would not have done that already, I know that if it would work I would be the first to do it. If your theory is right no one would have any mental health issues.

I’m sure you’ve had enough messages to the same effect but, your son isn’t choosing to be ill. The effect your husbands words will have on him will be very detrimental to your sons wellbeing too. He’s dealing with enough, he doesn’t need someone who doesn’t believe him and isn’t on his side living in his own home whilst he tries to heal.

Please don’t speculate like this. MH issues are complex, and you do a disservice to those with issues by trying to randomly assign blame to others based on nothing.

As hard as it is to deal with, your son is unwell.

Your husband is simply a brat.

As stated elsewhere, irrespective of how he feels about your son, your husband should be supporting you and not throwing a tantrum. You don't need this attitude and maybe you need to tell him to man up.

I don’t think you have any influence over this situation. I found your lack of compassion shocking.

There is a prominent lack of understanding of psychosis on this thread.and a palpable lack of compassion. No one advocates tough love & pull self together for CA, or MS. Yet with mental health it’s a unsavoury behaviour to be modified and obliterated. This lack of empathy & pull self together is why stigma is so deeply felt. The lack of compassion causes individuals to feel stigma and shame and potentially conceal how they feel what they experience because they know there’s a palpable disapproval and misunderstanding in many people

I agree. Shocking. Ops son is highly vulnerable. He is in genuine need of support, love and compassion. This is such a tough journey and op will need all the help she can get. The locking you put of your own bedroom feels abusive op.

as i found out the hard way - the highest cause of abuse in the home is step-parents (apparently that's a fact as said to me by a very nice lady who saved my life (literally))

@strugglingflower - what you are dealing with is incredibly hard. It's just dreadful that mental illness is still so stigmatised, and so underfunded with a woeful lack of support and resources. Same goes for those battling to receive a diagnosis and support for neurodiversity and/or SEN. Those who are most in need of support are the ones being monumentally failed by the system and left to struggle. I feel strongly enough about this issue that I've written about it to my MP; only the second time in my life I've ever felt compelled to do so.

There's nothing else I can usefully add to this thread other than a note of empathy and support. You are heard. (And I would also choose my son first: every time).

I think a good male role model would be helpful here, that would be someone who can remain calm, rational and in control of their temper. Someone with true strength and compassion. Sadly your husband appears to lack those qualities.

for balance I must say recovery is possible and progression to resume interrupted life. Medication,exercise,activities,good nutrition and emotional support all contribute to recovery. Having worked in EIS I have seen young people make a recovery and get themselves back.

How long did it take to get themselves back, I thought that this would have happened by now.

First off sending you and your son a massive hug. As for your husband he is acting like a child oh boo hoo I think he is more annoyed about you taking your son's side and not his. He needs to grow up or ship out.
I would always pick my kids over any man.