Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

I have read his notes.........You have not

Thank you

My son would always come first in this situation whether I was married to his father or not.

Oh OP - people will have no idea. My sibling had a manic episode after going onto ADHD medication after diagnosis (very sensitive to meds and now has an ASC diagnosis too) and the ended up severely ill with depression and in hospital.

It has been an awful, awful road with all of us feeling like we’d lost our family. It’s so, so hard but even though I was struggling with losing my support system and my children suddenly lost my family (I understood entirely but it was so hard), we were there for my sibling. My dad took a step back from his job so he could be there and we all travelled miles and stayed up all night fighting and contacting pals and arguing so the care would eventually be right.

Please, please stick by him! I beg you! If you don’t there will be no one else who will!

You clearly have no idea what psychosis is so are not qualified to make that assertion. Be grateful that you aren’t.

Absolutely - I said @strugglingflower should allow her husband to leave.

I'm sorry you went through something.

In this case, it doesn't sound like there's been any abuse by the stepparent towards the stepchild.

It does sound like there has been verbal and physical abuse by the son towards the mother.

Young men do 'square up' to men I see this with our sons and their father. They all go through a stage of it. It is a natural biological process.

The stepfather has had his hands tied. He can't even protect his own wife from physical and mental harm. Sounds like he's reached the end of his tether.

I still think there is an issue with depression, he is unmotivated, socially withdrawn and sleeps a hell of a lot.

@strugglingflower after all of his appointments, is your son diagnosed with depression? It doesn't sound like it from your posts. Just because he is sleeping a lot etc, doesn't make it depression. This may be what is annoying your husband. Your son had enough appointments that depression could have been diagnosed and it hasn't been, so what are the other reasons for that behaviour?

The son is a drug user, abusive and a thief. He needs boundaries and I can see why the husband will not tolerate this behaviour in his house. It’s the son’s responsibility to get help, that he is currently refusing

There has never been physical abuse, not sure where you got that from.

What meds is he on OP?
The hospitals and A&E can pump them full of anything to try and ‘help’ them. A lot of the meds have awful side effects and lots give severe fatigue -
Especially anti- psychotics which can be impossible to get off.

Its my house, my sons and my husbands, he is also not a drug user, he is clean from weed and has been for 10 months.

He has not been refusing, gracious me have you not read the thread, or are you just making things up.

OP I really wouldn't be wasting your energy battling on AIBU at the moment with the vocal few that don't get it.

Of course you need to support your son through this, as most pps have said from the start. Possibly your DH needs to temporarily move out if he is finding it that hard to cope with. I hope he can find a way to support you as you really don't have a choice here- your love and support for your son isn't conditional on him being well.

He has had a diagnosed of depression, the issue is he is not getting better.

Oh, please accept my apologies. I read this thread earlier in small font on my phone whilst cooking. I'm on my laptop now.

Sounds like there are other children in the house too so 'put your son first' has consequences for them too.

You've said he has lost two jobs because he isn't fit to work through mental illness. If he was engaging with services he'd be signed off as such (ie not fit to work).

OP you are in a terrible situation that you've made worse by posting on AIBU - don't put yourself through this; maybe get the thread deleted or start again on the SEN board. Obviously there are some people on here that understand, but when you read the shit some posters are throwing up you can understand why the "its good to talk" rubbish is pointless. And would you believe its mental health week, this week?

I’d show your husband this, he might realise he’s gone too far.

The doctors and he thought that he was well enough to work but it becomes too much. My son has been refused PIP, and we have waited for 8 months for an assessment on UC.

Your son.

Of course.

Your DH doesn't want the hassle of mental illness.

None of us do, but parents don't abandon their kids. No matter what.

With your help he may pull through. Without your help... well... we know where it might end. I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. I hope he gets better. You're a wonderful Mum.

I can understand your husbands frustration, it must have been tough to see your son not being very nice to you but I agree with you that you need to put your son first.

I am sorry that you are stuck in the middle of all this OP.

I'd try and sit down calmly with your DH and come up with a plan. Maybe he could move back into his house for a while or if it has tenants find somewhere else to stay for a while, give you all some space and reduce the tension in your home while you concentrate on your son? You could still visit/go stay with him and see if your relationship can get through it all - if that is what you want.

I hope things get better for you all soon.

@strugglingflower when my brother had depression the doctor really prioritised exercise over meds. I appreciate your sons situation a great deal worse however try get him out of the house on walks at least? Do you have any of his friends that could maybe get involved to help get him out of the house. Depression is a bastard and the longer he’s in it the harder it will be to get out. You are a great mother, sending you support x

Hi. You are in a terrible situation. But you are definitely doing the best for your son. We all make mistakes. Also sometimes even as adults , things happen for the first and we don’t know how to react. Things have happened to me in the past, I have looked back and thought, why did I do that. Maybe your husband is doing the same. Just a thought.