Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

Varies with each individual but with medication, and support you should see improvement over a few months. Is this first episode psychosis? Has he had an EIS referral? Is the community mental health team involved? The CMHT can refer to activity & support groups. Have you been told about family & care support?

From what OP said, he was depressed for a long time, smoked weed for a short amount of time (a week or two?) and then the psychosis symptoms appeared.
I, someone that works in the field and have literally read notes of hundreds of patients and spoken to probably nearing a hundred, have never seen someone smoke weed for that short amount of time and develop psychosis symptoms. Ask others, psychiatrists, psychologists and academics.
my money is that the depression is more linked to the development of psychosis than the weed. It may have happened anyway without the weed.
ultimately, it doesn’t matter. It happened, her son has worked hard on his recovery and has been sober for almost a year.

is that enough for you?

Op, I agree, the stigma is horrendous and if you add substance misuse, it becomes even worse. Suddenly, if there’s substance misuse, people become completely undeserving of care and compassion, it seems.

everyone, have a look at which country has had the most success helping those with substance use issues achieve sobriety, reintegrate into society and not commit crimes to feed their addiction. Was it the US, with their punitive, criminal approach? NO.
it was Portugal. Decriminalisation and active steps and money where your mouth when it comes to reintegration and allowing people to be a productive part of their community. Because that is what they are - PEOPLE.

I would take with a grain of salt all the people saying “yOUr sOn, OBVIOUSLY.” A lot of people have a hard time imagining a problematic adult child with whom they need to set very firm boundaries. Esp if the commenters are parents of, say, 4 year olds, they’re just in a very different place. It’s hard to say how out of line the husband is in this story. The husband could just be a petulant baby OR you could be underplaying for just how long and how seriously your son has been undermining household peace. And it’s unclear what the husband’s demand is. You say that he wants you to choose. What does that mean? He’s surely not implying that you never speak to your son again, which I think is how people are reading it.

And there isn’t a clear cause for psychosis that anyone has been able to pinpoint. If only!

CMHT can tell him about supported employment for people with mental illness, it supports the transition, builds skills & confidence, the employers are sympathetic too

We have had the EIS involved since he was discharged although their input has been patchy and he is only seen once a month, he has improved but I still think there is an issue with depression, he is unmotivated, socially withdrawn and sleeps a hell of a lot.

Yes, thank you!
EIS in the MH trust I work for has ‘carer’ groups. There might be some groups in the community too.

the MH trust your son is under may offer other types of support you son can access which could with routine,,self esteem building, exercise - for example, Coping with Football. @strugglingflower

EIP should be able to signpost too but OP, I don’t know where you are but in some areas of London employment support is provided by an org called Richmond Fellowship - look them up and see if there is something similar in your area, if you’re not somewhere they operate in.

It’s very complex, OP. It’s a journey and I don’t think anyone’s is the same.
I would also say that if you feel that maybe the medication could be changed - oversleeping, apathy, could be affected by the medication- then do discuss this with his drs. Any changes need to be Done VERY carefully.

‘My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son’

your son sounds like he has been very unwell and needs support not rejection! you need your husband to be there for you during such a difficult time to get through this together..

im so sorry you’re going through all of this and you should not be put in this position to choose between your husband and son :( I can imagine times must have been so stressful for you all but DH is being a dick IMO

OP, gently - I have seen in my own family parents who have given up their life for a mentally unwell child. 30 years of sacrifice and he is not getting better, they are hostages in their own home, don’t see their grandchildren, and now have their own health concerns. They will die and the child will suffer because they never scaffolded independence or worked in developing a support network. Half their own lives have also been misery. Yes you don’t throw him to the wolves, but you do have to think about what is going to happen long term here because you deserve a life and ending a marriage is not easy. What is your DH just going to walk away with nothing? Or will he want half the house, money etc? Be realistic.

OP it doesn't seem like you think anything is your son's fault or choice.

According to you he took drugs to self medicate (not for pleasure - for medication). He 'medicated' because he was was depressed. He was depressed because he didn't pass the probation for his job. He didn't pass his probation (probably not showing up or poor behaviour/attitude) because he was depressed. He got psychosis because of the drugs. He stole and was aggressive because of the psychosis. He has now lost further jobs (and I'm guessing there's been other problematic behaviour for your husband to be this angry) because of the post-psychosis recovery. Do you genuinely not think that anything at any point has been within his control?

I'm not saying he's not ill or hasn't been ill, but that doesn't mean he hasn't made choices, or that he can't now make choices too. It's ok to have expectations that he makes good choices, especially if he's at all sorry for the people he's hurt and if he knows other people have expectations and are holding him to account.

The trouble is, it's easy to blame the drugs for his psychosis, but I've seen a lot of people take a LOT of drugs and be perfectly fine. The idea that people take drugs and go crazy is a misconception. Some people do seem to be rather mentally fragile and drugs uncover difficulties they have been struggling with secretly. He's at an age where he is supposed to be entering the adult world and standing on his own feet, but this might not be possible for him in ways that no one understands, including him. It's very sad. OP I know you are keen for him to get better as soon as possible, and I hope he will, but you must be prepared for the situation being more complicated than that. What is your DH's view? Does he just want to kick your son out, or does he have different ideas about next steps in terms of finding him appropriate help?

It’s less about choosing your son and more about choosing yourself and choosing not to be with a man who is so callous and lacking in compassion/empathy/basic human decency.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?

I hope you son gets well 💐

Is the medication he’s on the right dose for him? & does he have any hobbies that involve going outside or exercise? a medication review and regularly getting out and about & routine may help.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think you are a great mum and supportive of your child however old he is. Keep him on the right track which for the moment is meds, any reviews and monitoring etc. have a look out for support in your area such as Mind etc. any online groups or Facebook groups. A bit of time and a safe space is good. Get outdoors, for walks, good healthy eating habits and rest/ sleep, the basics. Obviously cannabis is a no no, is very strong and unfortunately often causes psychosis.
Your husband is dealing with things the only way he knows how. Which is very unfortunate but not surprising. You don't have to choose but at the moment your priority is your son. As he recovers you will be able to reframe your focus on your relationship with your husband and that's what he needs to understand at the moment. It very difficult to put things into a short post but you are amazing. Most importantly find time for yourself. I hope your husband can help you out even if it's something simple to take the load off you.

Also - why does your husband think he has the right to lock you out of your own bedroom?? And give you the silent treatment?? Ultimatums?? Sorry to be rude but he sounds like an arsehole. I would choose my child, every time.

This thread is horrible. I can’t believe anyone is suggesting she throw her son out and stick with the horrible husband. Her husband has locked her out of her room and told her mental ill son to man up. He’s a total prick. I also can’t believe how over the top people are about the smoking weed thing. It’s not like he is doing crack. He was self medicating with a fairly minor drug. It’s not good but it hardly the crime of the century.

Comparing drug induced psychosis to a son/daughter with cancer is utterly abhorrent. Bear in mind there are parents on here who are/have been in that position, an horrific position that is not remotely comparable to yours.

I think you should give your husband your blessing to leave.

30 years is very different to under a year.

I work full time and I own 80% of the house, which is ringfenced my husband will not be able to get half. He has his own house that he rents out so will not be walking away with nothing.

you read the OP’s son’s notes? Spoke to his doctors? spoke to him? Do you know what drug induced psychosis is?

and your comment only supports what we’ve been saying: there are people who are unwell and deemed deserving of care, empathy and support, and there are people who are unwell and deemed undeserving of care, etc. it shouldn’t be a categorical assessment. All of them deserve care.

Apt username.

No, I haven't read his notes. Nor have you.

This ^^

It clear to some that some illnesses are ok, but mental health issues you are not worthy of help

Telling someone with mental health issue that they are not remotely comparable is utterly abhorrent.

The lengths some women will go to keep a man is obscene.

I applaud OP for prioritising her son, who has been clean for almost a year.