FIL 'took' Our car!

[LostMyCar]

Evening all,

I'll start by saying that I've NC as I don't want this linked with my previous posts. This is a long one so I do apologise in advance...

Dh and I live abroad and will be visiting the UK for a couple of months next month. We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month with the intention of reselling when we leave.

FIL has been kind enough to help with the search and the other night found a good deal. He went to view the car and arranged to buy it the next day. FIL had 1k of our money (from selling a car last year) and we transferred the remaining balance of the car over. We're excited that we've got a good deal and BIL mentions that he might want to buy the car off us when we leave. Great!

The next day DH gets a message from FIL to say that he and BIL are on the way to collect the car. All good. Then BIL sends a message to the group chat saying he's going to need to borrow our car whilst his car is getting an MOT. He doesn't ask, he assumes.

Bit of backstory - BIL (by Dh's own admission) is an immature man child who is often reckless and verbally abusive when he doesn't get his own way. He can't hold down a job and FIL is constantly bailing him out of messy situations. FIL is definitely his enabler.
DH says no I'm really sorry but I don't want you using my car. I'm not buying it for someone else to use. FIL gets angry at this as asks why BIL is good enough to pick the car up then? DH says he thought FIL would be driving our car and BIL would drive FIL's car back. Had he have known this wasn't the case, we could have asked someone else to collect the car.

Anyway, it's all blown into a huge argument. FIL phoned DH and did nothing but shout and scream. How can he not trust his brother? He's trying to get his life together! DH reiterated that he didn't want to upset BIL but he doesn't want him having access to our car. It ended with FIL telling DH to go fuck himself and to get someone to come and collect our car off his drive way that night. Whilst all this is going on, BIL sends a message to DH saying our car drives like a dream to further antagonise the situation.

I phone my parents and ask them (1.5 hour round trip) if they would mind collecting the car from FIL and driving it to MIL's house as she has space in her garage for it. My parents kindly agreed to do so. DH messages FIL to say that my parents will collect the car from him when he's ready. A few minutes later, FIL messages DH and says that the car isn't ours, it's his. He's keeping it and then he transferred our money back to us. So now we have no car.

We suspect FIL will end up giving BIL the car. We now also suspect that BIL was probably always going to use our car instead of his own (on its way out) secretly before we return to the UK.

AIBU to think FIL and BIL have both acted like twats? DH is really upset that his father has treated him this way and I'm furious at the way FIL has spoken to DH. I'm sure in time, DH will forgive them both which is fine but AIBU to want nothing more to do with them?

Thank you if you've made it this far 🙏

I agree with this, tbh.

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape. They were taking you for mugs. You fund a car and FIL/BIL get free use. You get a load of abuse for standing your ground etc.

At least you have your money back. Just hire a car while you are there etc and let them get on with things. Sounds like they like to do favours on their own terms which is always dangerous.

As for future relations, well it sounds like thats up to them to come crawling. Just chill out.

You come across as someone who makes others do a lot of work for them, particularly your parents and your FIL. But you weren't prepared to do a favour back.

It would be better to stop expecting others to put themselves out so you can save on car hire.

Do you know I thought exactly this!
The texting culture has done us a great disservice in that people now skim read without taking on board the precise facts.

Imagine sitting in an exam hall, what did the tutor always say...."Read twice, write once".

I feel like I'm missing something here - what is the problem with having a tinder date in the car?

I understood that OP only needed a car for one of the two months she would be home; a missing s makes a difference.

Dh and I live abroad and will be visiting the UK for a couple of months next month. We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month with the intention of reselling when we leave

Doesn't make sense, your FIL must have intended to take the car from the beginning? Because he can't just decide to transfer it to himself after he bought it/taxed and insured to drive home? He must have bought in his name to begin with and therefore already been his car?

It is NOT the job of the successful, hardworking sibling to mop up after the crap, fuckup sibling, no matter how much their parents want to force this.

OP you did the right thing and so did your DH. Your BIL can fuck up on his own time and in his own vehicle. He's not entitled to drive your car and your FIL is not entitled to allow anyone to drive your car. That's not how favours work. FIL did this for you willingly. If he planned to attach conditions then he was completely wrong not to communicate that to you from the start. Hope he enjoys his new car...!

The only way FIL could pick up car - doing you a favour - was for BIL to drive his car back. So you were happy for BIL to drive his car to help you out, but not to drive yours? It doesn’t sound great.

So your husband is Mark from Peep Show and his brother is Jez, got you. (One of the good things about the way Peep Show was written was that occasionally you did side with Jez, because Mark was being a prissy jumped-up twat.)

I get it OP, my DH has a sibling like your BIL. If BIL used the car, his other likely wouldn't get fixed and you'd be without a car when you need it as BIL would 'need' it for work or whatnot. With the offer of ferrying you around on his terms. Just be grateful FIL gave you the money back and don't bother visiting them. Don't rely on others in the future.

I don’t think you are BU. There is clearly more backstory here around the brother being a lazy entitled arsehole pandered to by his dad. Personally I’d cut the pair of them off and leave your H to it if he wants to maintain contact.

Jizz on the seats

This is all a bit weird. Forgive me for asking, but is your husband of a culture that has certain attitudes towards looking after family?

On the face of it, it is a kind thing that the father and brother were taking on a lot of inconvenience to sort you out a car, but IME favours with caveats are worse than no favours.

Your original post made it sound like your DH was just being a bit mean, and not really showing al awful lot of gratitude. But it does sound like his brother is a rogue. and I can see why he wouldn't want him near his property. Also, why does he really need it? Unless his car is properly knackered, an MOT only takes, what, a couple of hours? Day at most?

Buuuut, at your own admission, its an old cheap car to tide you over for a couple of months, is not like the brother is out joy riding the new Bentley. If he wrote it off or it was uninsured, that was really his look out with the law. As long as he wasn't shagging in it which would be gross and really insulting.

In summary, I'd say that if you want to be precious with your property and the in-laws attach caveats and demands to favours, you're better off not asking or accepting, (or offering!) and just play nicey-nice when you see them, keeping things civil.

Let me guess, this sort of malarky happens often in their family.

I have a feckless sibling who my parents are constantly bailing out (enabling). I would not be happy with my parents giving them something I was ultimately responsible for either, I could guarantee I would end up with tickets to sort out, or worse.

Your FIL is totally out of order not telling you exactly his intentions from the outset, sounds like lies right up until the end (MOT nonsense). Exactly the type of enabling crap my parents would foist on me too. They have openly admitted in the past wanting me to take responsibility for the sibling to 'give them a break'.

FILs defensiveness and anger points to typical male behaviour when they know they are wrong - doubling down. Unless you have this type of dysfunction in your family you will not understand how you need to protect yourself, a lesson learned the hard way over a lifetime.

@LostMyCar your BIL is entitled isn't he?

I can understand why it grates that your FIL enables him. However, I learnt long ago that you cannot control others only yourself. Getting stressed about what others are doing and how they have behaved is a waste of energy. Let it go for your own well being.

Feeling hurt by others is the same. We have to work at letting that go too.

As you say, you'll find a car to use during your time in the UK. Look on eBay nearer the time for garages with loads of good reviews.

Hope your visit goes well.

Good luck.

If you’re not using the car, why on earth are you being so funny about bil needing it?

It doesn’t really matter who the car was registered to, it has nothing to do with being the legal owner.

Bodily fluids, presumably.

OP - YANBU. FIL offering to do you a favour doesn’t mean he gets to make executive decisions over the use of a car you’ve paid for. It’s very apparent in the first post that neither you nor your husband particularly like or trust his brother, and as such wouldn’t want him using the car.

I can understand the FIL reaction to be honest. There is a lot of admin and time spent looking for and then buying a car - I assume giving it a once over, test driving it, dealing with tax and insurance and then collection. This all takes time. Although you say he enables 'BIL' it also sounds like he puts a lot of effort into helping you and your DH as well.

I used to live overseas and would never have asked this of a relative or friend and if they offered I would be immensely grateful to them and would expect a 'quid pro quo' arrangement of some kind - e.g. feel free to use the car until we arrive. If I didn't want a quid pro quo or I didn't trust the people involved, I would never take the offer of help. It would be naive to think that BIL would not be involved in any capacity - how did you think the car would get collected?

Your FIL's view of BIL is not going to be the same as your DH's view. They have a different relationship. Of course offence is going to be taken when, after putting all this work in for you - you turn around and say BIL can't use car. This piece of machinery sitting on your drive is for our exclusive use only. Sounds quite selfish.

I would be a little FU then as well.

I am not using my home when I am away, but I wouldn't want my dirty feckless sibling moving in and using it after a lifetime of being enabled to think they can do what they want by my parent

I completely agree. But your FIL in this hypothetical situation doesn't view your BIL as a dirty feckless waste of space, he views him as someone who is down on their luck and battling back, and both FIL and BIL were helping you with some reasonably fiddly house related task as a favour. That's a closer analogy. And the house in question is an old caravan or yurt, because its only a cheapy to see you through a month (or two, depending on what part of the OP you read).

Sounds like BIL is a chip off FIL's block. Fine if DH wants to see them, but I wouldn't want to spend time with people that scream and shout for no reason.

It's a second-hand car that she's never even seen. It could look like a painter's radio under a blacklight. One more might not make a difference!