to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

It’s always the same. They can’t help themselves.

And yet... on each post about abuse or violence by a male partner there are hundreds of replies from women who have experienced the same at some point or know another woman or even several women who have.

Its not just about the first post asking for help/advice. It's also about ALL the women who gather to help - because they've been there too. But who haven't made a separate post about it.

Add them up and tell me it's a "bubble"
It's quite clearly not.

Obvious troll is obvious.

Don't believe everything you read on here

THIS thread is about nasty, violent, toxic, controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, MEN!

MN is full of man haters

NAMALT

People saying the men they know in real life don't treat women this way.... are you in a romantic relationship with each of the men you know? Because unless you are you can't say what it's like to be their partner. It's well documented that abusive men appear charming to those outside the relationship. Domestic violence most often happens in the domestic sphere not publicly or in front of witnesses. It's in the name ffs.

Ask any woman on here who openly posts about having suffered DV. Did all her friends, acquaintance, work collègues, family etc all know? Or did she used to be embarrassed or questioning if what was happening was wrong so she didn't say anything, even actively covering it up. Then when we escape do we tell people day to day that's in our past?

I'm very vocal on here about having suffered abuse. People in my real life mostly have no idea. I used to actively cover it up out of shame but even now I know he was the problem not me I can't be open because it would be damaging to my children if they/people who know them knew this about their father.

I must be one of the few who over the years has heard many MN style stories in real life mostly in Australia, some in UK. I used to belong to a largish, well connected social circle, so would come to know about these cases, most of which have never reached the courts.

In a few cases, it has come really close to home. I will never forget my SIL telling me she had to go to a gynaecologist for treatment because her husband would rape her whenever angry with her. He would get angry with her for being calm! Another event happened in my daughter’s circle a few years ago perpetuated by a man who hated women - absolutely harrowing.

Spent a lot of years on Reddit. Seen what men are like on there too.

Maybe instead of embarrassing yourself, get a MALT drink and get to bed.

You've got to laugh at all of the toddlers throwing their toys out.

A lot of the time when they post like this I am really glad they clearly have no real life women to harass. I'd rather they all swarm here to bash out their spite than actually be inflicting their behaviour on a woman in person. They're the kind that probably already have of course, and would do if they could in a heartbeat, but at least for now they're alone. Puce with rage, they're sat scratching their stinky balls and getting angry at a screen.

That’s horrific. Did she leave him?

No she didn’t. She was religious and in her particular church divorce was frowned upon. Religious women are even more trapped in their situations than normal, with more pressure to keep marriages intact.

Because men you meet who you aren't in a relationship with can act anyway
They will be pleasant with woman they aren't dating and a devil to their wives

Not all of course but the threads on here don't shock me

Domestic violence is a gendered crime. Men are the perpetrators (over 90% defendants in court ONS)

People ignore as there is little point in engaging with a flat earther.

You've been on MN too long....

https://www.womankind.org.uk/resource/a-femicide-factsheet-global-stats-calls-to-action/

A woman is killed every 11 minutes.

It's why we pick the bear.

Even his own damn Wikipedia article says at the beginning “women are substantially more likely to be injured or killed in incidents of domestic violence”.

But the attempt to bring the conversation back to violence again and again is all part of the misogyny. This is not just about violence. It’s about being a shit to the person you’re supposed to care about. Most of the posts on here that shock me aren’t about violence. They’re women who have been abused in to a shell of their former self, but who don’t see it because their partner isn't violent. But it suits men to bring the conversation back around to violence again and again so that they can claim to be a “nice guy” if they don’t beat anyone up. If that’s your bar, it’s too fucking low.

It's certainly eye opening, but at the same time OP you have to remember that people will come and post to MN often in times of desperation or for help/advice -The hardest and most troubling points in their life, not to talk about how lovely and wonderful their life and their DH/DP is.
It's kind of in bad taste to create an entire thread about how great your life is.

It's both a lot simpler and a lot less of a brag to talk about the negatives rather than the positives.

Honestly I've found any MN thread that mentions positives of their DH or even DC being little angels rather than terror's, or even just questions something not being as bad as they expected from having read anecdotes on MN will often end up getting piled on with "Oh well that's great for you OP, not all of us are so lucky!" comments etc

I'm scrambling to ask why you feel it necessary or appropriate to pepper a discussion about women's experiences of DA with info & opinions on men's experiences.

I don't know what your other hobbies are, besides misogyny, but let's say you're a TR7 enthusiast. You're engaged in a discussion about the recurrent problems with your solenoid. A bunch of other people turn up to say Alfas have a lot of electrical problems too. Yeah, you say, this is a Triumph forum. "Alfas matter, too!" they cry, spamming your Triumph talk with Alfa datasheets and manuals; "What's wrong with you? Alfas are way more interesting and require more expertise!" You don't respond, so they tell you Triumph owners are bigoted prats and continue to berate you on Alfas and their delicate electrics.

Do you and your pals immediately decide you were all wrong to lovingly rebuild your TRs and should really turn your attention to Alfas? Do you fuck!

Actually, Pistonheads usually has a few lively woman-contemptuous threads going on. why don't you piss over there and talk to people with a similar interest?

Peculiar, rude, and rather defensive comment re single posters.

What is wrong with recognizing that one is better off single, by and large?

Add them up and tell me it's a "bubble"
It's quite clearly not.

@MistyGreenAndBlue

You are misunderstanding my posts, and the use of the word 'bubble'.

I'm one such woman, who experienced an abusive relationship. I'm not saying the numbers are low!

I'm saying the 'bubble' aspect can refer to the self-selecting nature of those posting on MN who will often be those who have experienced DV or abuse, not those in happy relationships. That's what 'bubble' is referring to. Not any statement on the numbers affected.

I'm truly very sorry for your experiences & even sorrier you feel you are in any way to blame.

I respect your view on this but wish it wasn't one you held, for yourself. 💐

Yes you can.
Because edit history is viewable by all.
You click edited and it brings up all the changes the poster made.
Here are all her edits.

Yanbu op, I’m the same, we all have dodgy experiences and meet some assholes but in general in life I know the nice guys, your average everyday person but then you hear some of the stories people on mn have and it sends a shiver up your spine that anyone has had to endure some of the crap that have

While there will always be abusive men, we are not living in Victorian times where women were little more than human baby incubators and chattels.

There would be almost no one using Mumsnet who doesn't possess free will and agency when it comes to making decisions and life choices.

The fact is many women make very poor relationship choices and ignore red flag after red flag for various reasons.

Sadly, the infantilisation of women by so called feminists, plus the cultural decline in personal responsibility, are both cores features of modern British society.