to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

I think what Mumsnet offers is the opportunity to tell the whole truth, and be believed. It’s much harder to do that IRL. So people can tell it like it is, to a forum of strangers, instead of minimising the situation (even if it takes a while to get there).

And there’s a lot of knowledge and understanding of women’s reality here, despite the ranting of the occasional incels and the not-my-Nigel’s. Oh, and I agree with the figure of 50%.

The thing is, when women discuss men being harmful to us, the good men know that it’s not aimed at them, and feel no need at all to reply with NAMALT.

I find that men who are vocal about NAMALT, give a good indication that they should be avoided.

Not once has my male partner or son uttered the words NAMALT in a discussion about this. Not once. They are not offended by me discussing men being a danger to women.

" Women have no idea how much men hate them "
Germaine Greer

Plot twist... oh yes we fucking do

I posted a lot about my now exH as I was so confused. MN helped me understand how not ok his behaviour was

I don't really post about my new husband as he's great

Very true

This.

Yeah the NAMALT posters, and apologists are tedious. As are the 'oh I am soooo glad I am single' posters. 🙄

Bully for you... 🙄

👏

Domestic abuse by women triples in a decade with female attackers carrying out almost a third of assaults

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7930231/Domestic-abuse-women-triples-decade-female-attackers-carrying-assaults.html

👏 Excellent post. You can tell this thread has hit a raw nerve, (with several posters,) by the fiercely defensive posts by the NAMALT posters and the apologists. If they are not seeing themselves in the posts, then why bother NAMALTing? (Indeed, why even respond?)

As I said, clearly hitting a raw nerve.

The desperation from one particular poster on here to try to paint women as violent (with ludicrous, fake statistics,) is both hilarious and sickening in equal measures.

As I said though. Best ignored. I mean, when someone has to post a DAILY MAIL link to 'prove' their point. 😂 OMG!!!! 😆

No, it's not 'on you'. Christ.

There's no need for victim blaming - if a woman ignores red flags, it's because for whatever reason she is not equipped to see them as such. Abusive men are able to identify women that will be susceptible to their abuse, and act accordingly.

Op, you've started a thread that is catnip to some.
I've just been going through a bit of posting history.
There is such a theme of telling women their opinion is wrong, lots of minimising and derailment.

That's really quite funny. Calling someone Captain Obvious is "all the things that are bad about women" ouch! That's really bad that! Like how evil can a woman be to call a man Captain Obvious - the violence of it! The trauma! Don't tell me that a man hitting a woman or leaving his kids without support or contact can beat that - just don't!

(Also you are using "personify" incorrectly)

Article also states that:

- Experts have warned that stigma may stop men coming forward to report abuse.

- Experts have repeatedly called for men to be recognised as victims of domestic abuse, alongside women, fearing that cases are going unreported.

- 'There's very much a belief that domestic abuse only happens to women, and that prevents men coming forward.' the charity's project manager Michael Dix-Williams told the BBC.' 'It feeds into this fear they're not going to be believed.'

- They likely provide just a snapshot of the situation in the UK, as many cases are still believed to be going un-reported.

- Domestic abuse service Calan, based in Llandarcy, Wales, warned last year that many men are fearful of coming forward.

- Charity Mankind spokesman Mark Brooks told The Sun: 'We're seeking more men to come forward all the time to get help.' But far too many stay silent. We need to do more because there is help out there.'

When you start to consider the large number of men that don't officially report DV, it's not difficult to understand how crime data could show a different picture to large scale anonymous studies, and also why more women admit to being abusers than men admit to being victims.

Isn't it past your bedtime, petal?

@EarringsandLipstick I disagree. I should never have married him and I did so without enough "what ifs". I have to take responsibility for that. Ultimately nobody forced me to have kids with him either - again a huge mistake on my part - and again I have to accept some of the blame for the impact on them when I found the courage to leave.

Of course you shouldn't have married him. Nor should I have married my abusive ex

And like you, I've felt guilt about the impact on my DC (I had 3 DC, even though the abuse escalated after DC1, and yet I had two more).

However, it's an utterly false premise to say it was your fault. You may have known there were red flags but the you then didn't truly understand them as such, and wasn't making an informed decision. Abusers don't walk around with helpful placards saying how they'll make our lives hell.

Your comments show a total lack of understanding of abuse, and while I'm very sorry about your experience, you are being disparaging to victims of abuse.

Absolutely correct and also there are some nasty vicious, controlling females who make life hell for some men/women too. Obviously these women will not show themselves on mn.
But they exist too!

Well.......start a new thread about these 'nasty, vicious, controlling' females then. 🙄

THIS thread is about nasty, violent, toxic, controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, MEN!

You - and a couple of other posters here - need to stop derailing this thread!

@EarringsandLipstick Whilst I fully respect the fact that you don't blame yourself for husband's behaviour, and absolutely you shouldn't. you can't take away or argue the fact that I blame myself for marrying my ex in the first place.
In essence my boys "lost" me as their mum most of the time because I left. I can only blame myself for that because if I'd have stayed they'd have had me around full-time. It was my choice to leave, knowing full well the consequences.

Growing up I was told feminism had won it was a historical movement and we now have equality. At the same time i was socialised into taking on more domestic work as women are better at it/men just don't see it/all those stupid excuses. Woman have lost out. We get to work now cuz equality by still have the burden of home duties men just don't pick up (yes NAMALT but come on enough are that we need to acknowledge the problem!).

Mumsnet has helped me understand how I've been treated isn't fair. You read an AIBU post and think this man is out of order then think yet my oh is similar and im putting up with it?!

I fear for my dd. I think in many ways equality is going backwards and so many women are not aware. Feminism wasn't a movement of the past it's a necessary responsibility all woman should understand. men will keep chipping away at our hard win rights and see us as lesser and support humans one generation of women thinking we had won has cost our next generation greatly.

YANBU
But it didnt take MN for me to realise the sheer volume of shitty entitled rapey coarse violent 'pseudo nice' guy men out there. You see it all the time, just that reading on MN reinforces what you already know. I love DP he's cool but if we ever finish I'd not risk another relationship.

Sometimes I see it said here 'It's not the 1950s you know!' Whilst im thinking well it may as well be. All these sulky, violent, bullying, cheating, bone idle slobbish men still get women hanging onto them. Its the whole thing of having a man/being married forever pushed as being a sign of success I suppose.

Come to think of it why are men even on here talking about DV? You couldnt care less about it and dont support men or women experiencing it. All you care about is landing in women's spaces (but not men's, God forbid you challenge men) pointscoring 'Yeah but women do it too'. Ejaculating all over thread with unasked for manosphere musings

This all day long! 👏

It’s like when theres threads about dog owners being useless, not picking up their dogs shit etc. As a responsible dog owner I don’t feel I have to go and defend dog owners. I just know that the complaint isn’t applicable to me, and actually I sometimes go on the thread and agree with them because dog owners not picking up their dogs shit is disgusting.

Men coming on to a thread to tell women that they’re wrong, and going out of their way to say NAMALT are part of the problem. Walking red flags.

Anyway, I'm out. I've said all I really wanted to.

Still posting, 8 posts later & counting ..

Stop trying to police/silence other posters that disagree with you. You're not a moderator.

By all means report anything that violates the forum rules though..