to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

Nah, I was in the know regarding the general twattery regarding men. What shocked in MN is how much of a cunt so many women are!

It doesn't really matter if there are disproportionately more negatives than positives on here though, does it? Because positives wouldnt remove or cancel out the negatives.
The point is, there are a huge number of abused and mistreated women on this site, which for many has come as a shock. The fact there are women who are not posting about abuse, so maybe, possibly, perhaps and hopefully they are ok, doesn't change that anymore than the fact that we are all still alive makes those women murdered by men any less dead.
And in the interests of accuracy, I've been here quite a while, and the idea that there is an issue of people urging LTB for trivial domestic disputes is a myth. One or two posters may do this. But they are significantly outnumbered by those posting moderate advice. And usually joined by a handful who push the male perspective hard, regardless of how bad the behaviour. So it all balances out.

Well, the proportions are always more negative than positive. It's the nature of social media, forums etc.

I absolutely do not disagree that the huge number of abused and mistreated women on this site is absolutely staggering. I feel for them, absolutely and if this is a place for them to get anonymous help or conversation then that is great.

I've seen loads of LTB over trivial and minor things. So, whilst you've been here a while, in my couple of weeks here the amount is more than what I would have initially expected. Thankfully, the people saying that are in their minority - as with everything, people should be getting the help or advice they need - and not just people shouting LTB.

Yeah. Even the “nice” ones will regularly take the piss and treat their OH or mum like a servant. I’d never dream of treating people the way that many men do yet they think it’s absolutely fine and even normal. It’s quite disturbing.
My sister was told by her FIL that she was lucky because his son (my sisters DP) occasionally gives their kids a bath. He also regularly fucks off on solo holidays leaving her with the kids. Guess if she gets to do similar? She then gets to sit and listen to her MIL and SIL extolling the virtues of her DP and how he works so hard.

It’s sickening.

As I said earlier in the thread, homicide is an extremely rare crime committed by a tiny proportion of males, so it can't really be used to argue that men as a group are violent.

What you find is that more than 99.99% of men don't murder. Obviously, you can't define a group by something 99.99% don't do, otherwise we'd also be saying that women are thiefs/criminals/etc - things that only a tiny proportion do.

What you can prove is that men are more violent than women, but that doesn't mean they're objectively violent as a group. Like, badgers attack more people than rabbits but nobody will likely agree there's a badger attack epidemic like there is with XL bullies.

If you want to be able to moan about men the topic you need to focus on is sexual assault because that's undeniable and I'd agree.

The measure of a group's level of violence is arguably not the incredibly isolated crimes that are perpetrated by 100 men a year out of several million. It's the day to day violence that happens thousands of times a day, not 100 times a year. However, if we look at this the vast bulk of data suggests we attack and abuse men at least as much, if not more, than they do us - although they cause more grievous physical harm when they do attack, due to their much greater size and strength.

Yes.
I joined MN at 42.
Put me off men for good, started hating most of them.
Good on me.

To summarise: “murdered women are irrelevant, stop talking about them”.

I missed whether you defined yourself as a misogynist or not, but I think we’re all pretty clear on the matter.

I am just about to start trying to divorce my ex and even though it's been 11 years and 10 months since he last put his hands on me in anger, I am absolutely terrified he is going to kill me when I start this process.

And while I know it's not all men he's done enough damage for me to never completely trust another man again. Some people on this thread need to understand the lifelong impact violence against women has on them. It never leaves you, ever.

Nonsense, to the other simpletons too, mother of two, married for 50+ years, four grandchildren, sorry to burst the MN bubble deary!
I could however organise a 5 a-side if you want one, having run a number of major sailing regattas, one at 8 months pregnant!

Deary? 🤔

As I said earlier in the thread, homicide is an extremely rare crime committed by a tiny proportion of males, so it can't really be used to argue that men as a group are violent.

It's not extremely rare if at least two women a week are being murdered by their partners or ex-partners in the UK.

In Australia, with its smaller population, it's one woman a week.

@JudgeJ I'm a woman that's also (apparently) a man and a misogynist because I said that not ALL men are bad and I dared to state my preference for preferring to work with male colleagues as a general rule.

The opening sentence of the OP literally says SOME. Not ALL.

I've just read one about another drunk. So many posts of drunken incontinent men soiling beds, wardrobes, sofas, even one poor woman's dressing gown (which he watched her put on afterwards), vomiting on the dining table where his children eat... then gaslighting women that they're uptight or controlling when they object.

@AccidentallyWesAnderson Where am I disputing that?

Women don't have to chose and stay with these men, I certainly wouldn't

Nor have children with them

I think you only hear bad news on here so it (hopefully) seems more prevalent than it is. You get honest unfiltered accounts though due to the anonymity so it is an eye opener in that respect.

What’s shocked me is how badly some women can be treated and apparently be genuinely unsure whether they are being unreasonable to be upset about it.

This isn't a thread about women's choices, its a thread about male bad behaviour and it's prevelence. If the woman leaves, that solves the problem for that individual woman. It doesn't mean this behaviour ceases to exist.

Why does it always have to be phrased this way - why doesn't the woman leave, I'd leave if someone treated me like that, etc.

Why is there not more questioning of why men behave like that in the first place?

@SpringerFall Your comments are flippant. I am fairly confident that the women and men who find themselves in terrible relationships with terrible people, did not chose them or have kids with them in that knowledge. Most people don’t show their worst side until further into relationships.

Glad you have it all sorted though.

I have also realised that saying LTB is easier said than done.
Many women have been cowed into submission by years of abuse and cannot even think how they would get out. Being abused has become so normalised that they don’t even realise how badly they are being re treated. Many women have no support network, no money and simply nowhere to go. I can only imagine how scared she must be to leave an abusive man - the fear of his anger and rage is probably why they stay. I don’t believe they choose to stay

Another thread about men’s awful behaviour and the usual suspects defending them.

Had to laugh at the post starting with “Chap here” and ending with “NAMALT”.

At the end of the day a large number of men hurt women. A larger number of men think it’s ok to watch porn, make rapey or misogynistic jokes, harass women, and the majority of the “good guys” stand by and let it happen.

I’ve spent a good portion of my life working in male dominated environments. Most of those men think they’re the good guys. Their wives think they are the good guys. They are not.

If you want to be able to moan about men the topic you need to focus on is sexual assault because that's undeniable and I'd agree.

How insufferable. I don't want to moan about men, thanks. But if I did I wouldn't need your fecking permission to do so.

Yes, and all my friends who are married to the "good guys" would be horrified to know that almost all their "good guy" husbands have hit on me.