to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

I’m a lesbian too. Women are mostly not physically as strong but ABSOLUTELY as abusive and violent. But people seem to turn a blind eye because it’s poor little women.

women can be calculated beyond belief. Men don’t seem to have that capability, but again it’s always brushed off as a non issue when it’s women.

Another thing that's just occurred to me- some of the messages my straight female friends have received when online dating have been utterly depraved. I have never once received a vulva-pic, or been threatened with rape for not replying to a message, or received a first message describing, in detail, a very niche sexual fantasy. To them, that is commonplace.

I'm so sorry you've experienced that. Do you genuinely believe that women are as likely to be violent, both sexually and non-sexually, as men?

And I think any straight woman who has experienced coercive control would dispute your claim that men don't have the ability to be calculated.

Also bear in mind that here that men only have to sneeze incorrectly and it’s LTB, usually from the hyperbolic posts,

Oh, the irony....

Ex's moments were always perfectly calculated to piss on my chips exactly when something positive was happening for me, or grab my attention when I had something else difficult to deal with.

I agree. Of course there are nasty abusive men out there and women deserve a place where they get help and support.
Obviously those who are lucky enough to have decent, caring partners aren't going to post complaining about them. MN shows the problems women (and mostly it is women) have so it makes it looks like virtually all men are abusive

Most child abuse? Most?
Wow!

No, I've posted the biggest study on DV ever conducted (plus many other large scale studies) and people don't like the fact they contradict their assumptions.

All I've seen to contest this huge amount of data are some crime stats which (as all the DV charities point out) don't adjust for the fact that men massively under-report, making them unrepresentative of the reality - just like the low number of rape convictions in relation to the number of actual rapes.

Not all men are like this ...

no shit, Sherlock

The misogynist is coming from inside the chat!

Also, lol at all the posters that think I'm furiously raging. 😂

I'm calmly stating my case and providing solid data to back it up. You won't hear me slinging personal insults or trying to police what others post.

So, where are the 1700 peer reviewed studies saying men commit the majority of DV? I'm sure somebody's about to post them. It defo won't just be more snarky comments and whataboutery/diversion, surely.

In recent years, a woman has been killed by a man every three days in the UK on average...

Killed Women Count: A project highlighting the toll and tragedy of violence against women in the UK | Violence against women and girls | The Guardian

Maybe you can provide similar statistics for all the many men killed weekly by women?

You. Are. Wrong.

Men perpetrate most violence, and women are the victims

Here's one report, with data:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/#:~:text=Usually%2C%20domestic%20violence%20is%20perpetrated,killed%20by%20their%20intimate%20partners.

If you are on a thread like this, on a forum like this with the tedious NAMALT lines and posting stats about how actually, it's the poor men sho are suffering, then you are part of the problem.

Read the fucking room. The fact is that women still overwhelmingly get the shit deal in the real world, and if a place like this offers a haven where women can go, find a bit of solidarity, a bit of help or a way out of a shitty situation, then that is what is important.

We know that NAMALT. But too many are like that, and there aren't enough places for people to go to get help and escape from them, so if this forum is a bit biased the other way, fucking great.

What you are doing is aggregating dubious statistics / reports and not contextualising or comparing correctly.

Of course.

As facts & balance don't matter to you.

Well, AS is a very useful tool. Shows that Walrus is an actual trucker. Whether they have hairy hands or not, they haven't stated.

The above to @WalrusOfLove to be clear!

@geoger

I really wish all those years ago as naive and very emotionally vunerable and troubled teenager on the brink of adulthood i had this kind of website such as this one available to me back then,

What a different potentially it could have made to my life,
and i think there must be others who think a similar way 🤔 too,

In real life your family and friends especially family you would think would have your back or and be emotionally intelligent cause they are older to give you sound advice to guide you ect,

In reality it's not allways or quite often not the case in that regards unfortunately

especially if you come orginally from extreme dysfunctional family background growing up in which due to this has done a number on your self esteem cofindence and being wise to your intuitive instincts...

Thank you whoever created mumsnet simple ideas such as this 💡 work effectively the best often..

Personally, it's not that i don't like your surveys. It's just that i dont care.

Violence by men against women is a far, far bigger problem than women committing violence against men. You're specifically talking about domestic violence. But did you know that 89,000 women and girls worldwide were intentionally killed by men in 2022?

That doesn't include all the rape and assault where the woman or girl survived. Men intentionally killed eighty nine thousand women. In one year. How many men were intentionally killed by women worldwide in one year? Nowhere near 89,000.

As a woman who has suffered violence committed against me by quite a few men, I'll leave the fight for men's rights to the men's rights activists. Not one single man who saw/heard me being assaulted and harassed on various occasions did anything about it. Not one man stood up and called his fellow man out on harassing a lone young female. If you've ever turned a blind eye to a man making a woman feel uncomfortable, harassed, or assaulted then you are the problem too. If you've come into a discussion women are having about male violence and saying "what about the men" you are the fucking problem too. Whether you're a man or a woman. Lecturing to women about why they should care about violence against men, when those numbers are a drop in the ocean of male violence against women means you are the problem.

I don't see why the burden has to be on women to care about everything, all at once, all of the time. Men certainly don't care about violence against women, or more of them would stand up to their fellow man and they don't. I see the systemic patriarchal hate perpetuated by men against women every single damn day and that's what i care about.

You've just proved his point though...

Not been on MN for long; but I do have to agree with OP.

However, places like MN (forums) tend to have more negative than positive. Not disregarding the awful experiences people have had.

Side note, lots of posts with minor fall outs and disagreements that could be had with an adult conversation - you do get people jumping to conclusions shouting "leave him" etc.

OP here. Glad I’m not the only one but I wasn’t expecting this thread to get derailed in parts.
I’ve just read a thread about a woman’s husband who showers gets a hard on and expects sex - this is exactly the type of thing I’m talking about

Heavy on the insults, light on the data. 🤷

Are you really saying that you know better than a panel of respected DV experts and that your one link is better proof than a metastudy covering 1700 peer reviewed studies, a 32 nation study, and another covering 500,000 respondents, alongside about a dozen more studies?

You keep directing your anger at me, but I'm just quoting data from studies and referencing what the experts say.

Well, I think we've discovered why you haven't got a job.

Calm down dear!

What do you think you are achieving here, exactly?