to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

There's nasty women who can be cruel, but every single time someone made me scared for my life it has been a man.

• I was sexually molested when I was about 6/7 by a stranger. I went to a Christmas market with my father, holding his hand. A stranger used the crowd, which were bumping into each other, to put his hands on my bum and between my legs

• I was sexually molested as an adult woman in the city. I left the gym with my headphones on and all of a sudden I felt a hand between my legs. When I turned round, there was a group of laughing school boys running away

• my first boyfriend beat me violently and I thought he was going to kill me

• in my 20s I had a stranger follow me home from the bus stop to my house

• being catcalled several times in my life,being aggressively followed by a car. When I didn't give them any attention, being called a slut and a whore

Just some examples, although there are more

I also witnessed a man once violently beating and pushing his girlfriend/wife in public.

On two occasions I saw a man severely beating up another man.

The point I'm trying to make is that throughout my life, those situations of extreme violence/assault were caused by men. Despite the fact that I experienced plenty of unpleasant women.

I think it’s more that she’s looking for reasons not to act.

Exactly.

And that's not MN's fault!

Yes, MN will contain a disproportionate amount of threads reflecting negatively on relationships. It's not meant to be taken as representative of life as a whole.

Within those threads, there's a possibility of seeing one's own problematic situation and getting advice or encouragement to act.

I know when my life was at its worst point, I couldn't imagine anyone else dealing with what I was, I was totally broken. I only managed to end it when I sought legal advice & the barrister I spoke to told me straight out, with no equivocation that my marriage was over, there was no future. I was shocked but once I heard it, the next awful damaging thing my H did was the thing that prompted me to tell him to leave (and thankfully he did, not thinking it was permanent but again, thankfully it was).

You've got to be ready, and you also need to hear a clear message. That's where MN can come in.

It's silly to suggest your friend can't leave because of the negative situations she reads on MN. as you say, she isn't leaving as she isn't yet ready and is looking for excuses. Which we all do.

Margaret Attwood's line, 'men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will kill them', captures something pretty neatly.

You are wrong to think that a one sided account of a situation is representative of reality.

That and the fact that people are more likely to.oist to complain and moan.

This forum is extremely biased and a far cry from the reality of life thankfully!

I couldn’t imagine spending time on a forum that I find extremely biased. What do you get out of it?

YABU. This site is heavily biased towards women (and that’s ok). If you were on a site heavily biased towards men you’d see how vile women are too.

Also bear in mind that here that men only have to sneeze incorrectly and it’s LTB, usually from the hyperbolic posts, as posters generally know the bias here and use it to their advantage.

some men are abusive, so are some women. Yes this is usually in different ways but don’t underestimate how callus, viscious and calculated women can be. Though that’s usually applauded here.

This forum is extremely biased and a far cry from the reality of life thankfully!

Is it? I'd actually argue completely the opposite. This is a place where women can post what is actually going on in their lives. Sure, that doesn't mean that Active Convos is full of women talking about how wonderful their partners are - what would be the point of that, as they wouldn't be asking for advice or help, would they?

I'd say that the reality - for many, many women - is fear. Fear of what might happen, as well as what may be actually happening, where men are concerned.

And that fear is of men. Of course NAMALT - but we never know, when walking down the street on our own, at night, if that man coming towards us is 'like my Nigel' or a potential attacker. And we wouldn't be thinking about the need to run/cross the road/walk faster if it was a woman approaching us.

its mostly women posting on mums etc so we are hearing mostly about men. There’s a a lot of women who equally treat their partners horrendously but you’re not hearing about them.

... because it's whataboutery

Oh and also, if someone comes on and says how great their DH is they get dragged for “stealth boasts” being Braggy or goady/smug.

it happened on a thread the other day someone said how nice the relationship has been since having a child and there were 20 odd pages of absolutely disgusting vitriol to the OP.

... because it's whataboutery
Which doesn't mean doesn't happen in the real world.

If MN was representative of the real world, the Tories would never have made it in the last election.

MN is a small group of women. Many don't come and post because they see it as a joke or an offense to women.

Troll hunting is against the forum rules. 😉

@Dancehalldarling "it happened on a thread the other day someone said how nice the relationship has been since having a child and there were 20 odd pages of absolutely disgusting vitriol to the OP."

If that's the thread I'm thinking about, you are grossly misrepresenting it!

We've already addressed the point that crime stats are unreliable as many many men don't report for fear of being seen as weak - all the DV charities say that (see my links).

If you looked at the incredibly low number of convictions for rape you could use the same argument to say it hardly ever happens and rape is almost non-existent.

1700 peer reviewed studies tell a different story about DV.

Children have to be fearful of both going by that thanking then

@WalrusOfLove the absolute cringe of watching you tantrum online through the night and now into the morning.

Most child abuse is perpetrated by women.

You're assuming anyone can be arsed to read your posts though.

We are talking about male behaviour on this thread, your "but what about men" posts really are irrelevant so most people are probably scrolling by. If i were you and i wanted people to agree with me about how dangerous and violent women are to men, id start a new thread. Maybe on reddit or somewhere. You might find more people want to engage with you there.

We've already addressed the point that crime stats are unreliable as many many men don't report for fear of being seen as weak - all the DV charities say that (see my links).

'We'. I think it's just you mate, and no one is bothering to read your links as you're making a tit of yourself.

Your lies are boring.

“Perpetrators were most likely to be a parent for those that had sufferered…physical abuse (father, 39% and mother, 29%).”

If you were on a site heavily biased towards men you’d see how vile women are too.

Actually, sites heavily biased towards men do a great job of proving how vile men are.

As someone who has less interaction with men than most (a lesbian with mostly female friends and family and who works in a female-dominated profession), I have still managed to have only ever experienced and witnessed physical assault, sexual assault and sexual harassment perpetrated by men.

Like everyone, I have met horrible men and horrible women, and lovely men and lovely women, but claims that women are just as dangerous as men, and just as likely to be dangerous as men, would be laughable if they weren't so insulting.

Absolute nonsense.

Fathers and stepfathers commit the majority of physical violence against children (ONS 21) and female children are 4 times more likely to be the victims.

Mothers are higher for cases of neglect ( in conjunction with a male) because they are overwhelmingly the primary carers/single parents. If there weren't as many absent fathers then the figures would undoubtedly be the other way.

This of course only applies to this country. The levels of abuse and murder of female children worldwide are well recognised by the UN, WHO etc.

Sweeping statements that conveniently misrepresent the true picture simply makes your assertions look foolish.

1700 peer reviewed studies tell a different story about DV.

They don't.

You've used studies selectively to make points in an 'ergo' kind of way, failing to understand correlation vs causation.

It's been pointed out to you why you're incorrect but of course you don't care. You're not here to be correct.

I think the irony is lost on him.

"We're talking about males here, your posts about men are irrelevant". 🤣

I guess it's a bit optimistic to think people might want to review all the actual data before making claims about half of society.

Like, did you know that the majority of CEOs are female and men earn much less than women across the board? They're also the main victims of street harassment. No, I don't need to see any actual data/stats. Why would I want to know if my claims are actually true? 😂