Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

DH started skipping showers too after Covid, he will skip one, sometimes two days in a row max. He still does this even though he's not working from home anymore.

I must say though, he absolutely does not smell. I have a strong sense of smell and get bothered easily but he always smells fresh, it's like some magical power. He smells better than me at all times and I shower daily!

So it does make me feel that it's not one size fits all and some people don't need to wash that often.

He washes his hands and brushes his teeth and washes his face etc though so he's not a slob. And he doesn't smoke. OP, in your shoes I'd ditch him!

what is the difference between “wash” and “shower”, genuine question as not a native English speaker. Tia

Basically:

Wash: use a cloth on key areas likely to smell (genitals, armpits, feet)

Shower: full body is cleaned

I’ve never personally understood the idea of having a “wash” over just being entirely clean but it’s not at all unusual.

I must admit I'm no longer showering once (sometimes even twice) a day since covid and wfh but I wouldn't go longer than 2 days.

If he smokes though he should shower and change clothes everyday as that is a disgusting stinking habit. (Ex smoker waving 🤫).

Does he brush his teeth, change socks and pants everyday as that would definitely be the point of no return for me.

I'd insist on clean for sex purposes, other than that, not bothered.

He sounds absolutely grim. I wouldn't let his dick or mouth anywhere near me 🤮

And I smoker too. JFC 🤮

I can almost smell him from here 🤢

Sounds rough OP. He might be going through something, but that is his issue to solve not yours. It is time to go. You are not his mum, and he is not 3 or 13.

When you do (inevitably) leave block him from everything for a year at the least. That way he can't make empty promises that he will change, and you can get him out of your system.

Good luck.

He's disgusting and disrespectful and it doesn't matter how often or how many ways to talk about his lack of hygiene, he simply doesn't care enough about you to do something about it
Im sorry things have been so tough for you.
Treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness as you do to others

Had an ex like this who was also a smoker, I used to curse at him to shower disgusting human being, we didn't last long

Dingle-berries made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

Working from home, he probably doesn't need to shower daily. If he is "reeking" of body odor I would insist he shower or sleep on the couch. Sorry you're still turned off even when he's fresh from the shower....maybe you need to speak with someone to get past your aversion.

Filthy bastard

the hygiene issues and the smoking would be dealbreakers for me

Yuk. It takes 5 minutes to have a shower. You DP knows you think he smells and that you find it unattractive, but he can’t be bothered having a quick hose down. The only slight concern when someone who has previously made and effort with cleanliness and their appearance stops taking care of themselves it could be a symptom of depression. He’s not depressed, is he? If it could be you should encourage him to get some support. If not, I’d be kicking him out.

If you're looking for permission to leave you have it.

He's gross and disrespectful and yes it really is that bad.
Get your ducks in a row and ditch this minging twat. Imagine how nice it will be come Christmas in your nice clean home without stinky stinking up the place.

Time for a difficult conversation then… “I find the fact that you smoke at the back door knowing it smells in the house and on your body disrespectful and off-putting. I find your lack of hygiene bewildering. When we met you made an effort, and you no longer seem to feel the need for this. Now that the weather is warming up, your lack of personal hygiene and disrespect for my feelings a turn off. Why should I bother making an effort to look after myself when you don’t treat me or your body with the same respect?”

I work from Home and shower every other day mainly more in summer. But i wash my face and if my fringe is looking rough wash that too. My teenage boy bathes more than him and this js even without me telling him too he just knows. Every other day is surely the max for not washing every day anything after that is super grim and I admit I’m probably grim by day two myself lol.

Thanks for all the responses. I really feel like he just doesn't give a crap about how I feel rather than anything related to depression. I think he's just lazy as he doesn't contribute much round the house either. He doesn't wash his clothes that he wears in the house often either.. will wear the same jumper for weeks on end and then moan if I wash it as he doesn't know where it is. I think he does change his underwear daily so at least that's something. I think he is beyond help as I've tried and tried to approach it but he thinks going from not showering for weeks to this is fine and unfortunately it's not enough for me.

Please think hard about giving to yourself the respect, consideration and kindness that your partner is clearly not showing to you.

You don’t need to settle for this any longer!

This man has a complete disregard for you - imagine living like this for the rest of your life?

And by the sounds of your latest update it’s only going to get worse.

My DH appreciates the cleanliness. I think most people would prefer their DP to be ultra clean rather than ultra dirty.

It looks as if you are seeing him as he really is.

So what's the plan now?

Do you rent together or have a mortgage?

You've wasted 9 years with this man.

Don't waste any more.

His behaviour really is at the far end of the hygiene spectrum.
Either he has mental health issues, like depression, or some personality disorder, or he's just downright lazy (and with no personal self respect either.)

If he appreciates having to only get in the bed after a shower and having to wash his feet after the shower if he goes downstairs before bed, then I’d be surprised.

It’s possible to just be clean. I think you do need help.

Did you also take your clothes off on the porch during Covid? Did that include underwear and socks?

Ew and then on top of it share bath water with this man? Also, she’s not his mother. Wtf