Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

It doesn't sound like you fancy or love him anymore, so probably best to walk away. The way he speaks to you also does not sound healthy.
As for the personal hygiene stuff, only washing every 4-5 days is a bit grim (and not brushing teeth seems even worse to me, especially as he smokes). However, I want to disagree with all the people on here saying you should shower daily (or even multiple times a day). Dermatologists recommend showering every 2-3 days, unless you're sweaty or dirty for whatever reason. Obviously everyone is different and lots of factors come into play (sebum production, weather, sweat level, amount of body hair, diet, etc.), but the UK norm of showering every day is not great for skin and also uses a lot of water and energy.

Not sure if it’s because I have contamination OCD… but I actually don’t let DH in the bed unless he’s fresh out of the shower. And if he goes downstairs after he has to wash his feet/shower again before bed.

You must know that this behaviour is due to your OCD. It sounds very hard to manage, and I'm glad you've got a supportive partner.

Nope. Couldn’t stay with someone who doesn’t shower let alone have sex with them 🤢🤮

If you want to marinate in your own stench then live alone.

I used to have exactly the same issue with my ex husband. He too was wfh and would sit in the same clothes for numerous days, he wouldn’t shower as according to him there was no need but he would still expect oral sex to which I told him he could keep his cheesy wotsit well away from me!

The stench from his armpits used to make me heave, he didn’t improve, he just got worse, he didn’t make an effort to ever dress up and would even go out in his “home” clothes

All this just added to our marital troubles, I eventually left him and never looked back, best decision of my life knowing I don’t have to wash his crusty boxers with last weeks shit stains on them!

Eventually you will come to the realisation that you deserve so much better, sending you hugs xx

Ugh no!

I wfh and shower daily

Common sense 😂@AllPrincessAnneshorses

To top and tail properly it needs two clean flannels at least every day and ideally 3- one for armpits and rest of body, one for the 'front bottom' area and one for the bum.

And you simply can't remove sweat and bacteria from all over your body, including your feet, in between your toes and every nook and cranny - with a flannel- unless there is a water shortage or you are somewhere with no facilities at all.

Surely it's easier and better to stand under the shower with soap for 3 minutes?

You don't need to shower or wash daily. If you can stomach your own stench then fine. Not so good if you are intimate with others. I shower daily, sometimes twice. If I'm going to face the public I might consider deodorant. Personally I have to be clean to get into bed. One of my weird neurosis.

To top and tail properly it needs two clean flannels at least every day and ideally 3- one for armpits and rest of body, one for the 'front bottom' area and one for the bum

Exactly- far easier to jump in the shower than spend all that time washing and drying flannels fgs!

JFC he is vile. Are there other ways that he doesn't respect you, OP?

I don't see the problem. I grew up in the 70s, when I'm not sure showers were invented.

We had a shower in the 70s, they were maybe not common in the UK though.

OP please continue not shagging him, he'll give you a wicked UTI.

The top and tail thing is making me feel a bit bleurgh. I'm not sure how rummaging at your bits and backside with a flannel is going it get them properly clean without running water.
The couple of times I've had to wash with a flannel out of necessity it was way more of a faff than just jumping in the shower, water got everywhere and I didn't feel clean after.

I'm sorry you have OCD but I couldn't live like that, I'd have left years ago.

How gross. My DP is the cleanest man I’ve ever been with and it’s quite funny how much that is such a big plus point but by contrast you’d love it; showers twice a day, always before bed. Cleans his teeth fastidiously sometimes more than twice a day, always very clean and trim down there. Only wears clean clothes. Most men are a bit gross I’ve found. Why is that? Yours sounds particularly scummy. You could give an ultimatum but the fact he doesn’t want to do this for himself is a bit of a red flag for me

The only reasons I can think of are mental illness or downright laziness.
I'm early retired and live alone. Most days I only see the dog! Gardening, housework, dog walking, shopping fill my days. Sodding boring. But it would never occur to me not to shower every morning and then a quicker shower if I got grubby in the garden or caught in a downpour dog walking.
It’s no one’s business why you leave your husband if you choose to. Personally I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t shower daily unless they had a sound reason like illness, disability.

Other people are worth making an effort for - but not you!

He’s showing you how he feels about you!

I mean, Ewwwww. 🤢🤮

Tell me he does brush his teeth morning & nighttime?

No, definitely not for me.

Besides himself, I kind of feel it shows a lack of effort and respect towards your relationship too. 🤷🏻‍♀️ as much as my self-care is for me first always, it’s also for my partner, why would he want to do the deed with me if I hadn’t showered in 5 days?!

Is WFH affecting his mental health? Maybe suffering with depression?
When my depression was as it’s worst I also struggled to brush my teeth/shower (and I’m usually a super clean person) because I was just focused on getting through the day but didn’t really notice this at the time.

Men often don’t feel like they can speak about these things/open up hence why he’s on the defence. I would try and speak to him again but maybe come at it from a different angle? You need to be totally honest with him about how this is making you feel, because if this downward spiral keeps on going down, it may be what pulls you apart. It’s hard to come back from once you’ve got the ‘ick’!

Not an easy topic to discuss though OP, hope you find a solution. Xx

Do you mean one gets in the bath, washes and then the other person gets into the dirty bath water? Why on earth would you want to bathe in someone else’s dirty water?

Edited to add this man is clarty, he doesn’t shower for days on end and must be stinking. There is no way I’d get into a bath someone else had washed in especially after this putrid individual, can you imagine how dirty the water would be? God it’s grim getting into a bath after someone else has washed in it.

Yes this is disgusting. I work from home and my personal hygiene is the same as it was when i worked in an office, because I like to be clean and fresh. Can’t believe he sleeps naked next to you, or that you allow him to.

I noticed since Covid that a lot more people you are near in shops etc have a bad smell. They are nearly all male people. Your DH will be one of those. You're probably a bit nose-blind too. I'm not the most fastidious person in the world but adult males who go without washing for days or weeks absolutely honk.

100% not and I'd go as far to say to him, if you don't pull yourself together, shower every day and start looking after yourself, I'd like you to leave.
I could not live with a dirty lazy person. X

Oh OP I honestly feel for you. What an awful situation. I'm not a big fan of the general LTB response usually but apart from fact his personal hygiene is grossly off putting there's another factor to this.

He won't wash because no point as he's not going out?. That suggests he would wash if he knew he was seeing other people? If that's the case it's blatant disregard for you. He cares what others think of him so will scrub up for them but doesn't care what you think of him so happy to fester in his own smelly grime?

IfYou surely deserve more than a a complete minger who doesn't give a shit what you think of him?

I think once you start to feel grossly turned off by someone, it's really hard to change your feelings around.

I’m sorry you have OCD but this is no way for any partner to live.

I actually don’t let DH in the bed unless he’s fresh out of the shower. And if he goes downstairs after he has to wash his feet/shower again before bed

While I understand you have contamination OCD this is really controlling behaviour. My sister has contamination OCD and life has been pretty tough at times but she sought help for it as none of the family could live with her ‘conditions’ of cleanliness. There is help out there. While I understand what you’re going through as I’ve been there with my sister it’s really unfair on those around you to have to live by your ‘rules’. Your OCD can really damage the mental well-being of those around you.

I couldn't, In fact I think getting into bed without showering first is disgusting so I may be at the other end of the spectrum.

Just because it was one of the ones I read. I do shower every day, and is agreed his 4-5 days sounds horrid. But I was saying that I don’t think every day for some people is always necessary