Could you put up with this level of personal hygiene?

[podcastobsessed]

Since COVID my partner has been full time WFH so out of a steady routine. He consistently goes for 3/4 days without showering (doesn't have a wash at the sink or anything either as far as I'm aware). Showering on the 3rd day would actually be a good week. During covid I am pretty sure there was a time he didn't shower for almost 2 weeks with once a week being the norm. He doesn't do much exercise except walking and some gardening etc. He has improved after my "nagging" but when I bring it up at all now he shuts me down and tells me he's not a child and knows when to shower. If I do "nag" him, he will purposely go longer without showering. Many times he says he's going to shower tonight and I can tell he hasn't. He also sleeps naked and the thought of it makes me sick sharing a bed. Sex life is dying as I just don't want it anymore even when he has just showered as all I can think of is how disgusting he was before that. On top of this he smokes so I feel like the house / clothes smell of that too. I miss having a nice clean house. I'm not sure what I can do?! AIBU or neurotic here?

No.

I would tell him that it's fine how he wants to live if he was single but he's in a relationship with you and the poor hygiene is not acceptable especially if he wants intimacy and even to lay next to you in bed.

If he doesn't raise his hygiene standards than he has to accept that he would prefer to abstain from washing twice a day than stay in a relationship with you.

I would also tell him that once he is alone he will have to improve his hygiene as no other woman is going to get with him whilst he doesn't wash for prolonged periods of time.

There's a reason I'm saying ex here! And when I started to realise that my wishes and preferences and comforts were completely worthless to him, the more I saw it in many areas of the relationship. Are you sure this is the only area where he dismisses your (very reasonable) wishes?

yes, this. I can’t imagine a man like this is very considerate and concerning in all other areas. He has shown such little disregard for your OP, perhaps this is a symptom of a wider problem. He actually sounds somewhat abusive - you mentioned he deliberately showers less when you ask him to. He is punishing you for asking him to have basic consideration and respect for you.

He knows what he needs to do if he wants to get your sexual relationship back on track, but he’d rather keep trying to pressure you to accept his smell rather than take even a super quick 5 minute daily shower?

He is slyly trying to control you instead of having basic respect for himself and showering.

Gross.

@Gummibearos yeah I mean there are other issues on our relationship in regards to him pulling his weight etc and not being listened to on that front so it probably is a symptom of a wider issue.

I'm wondering why I am settling for all of this having read all of the responses today

Stop sleeping with him and tell him why. Then say nothing. Not because youre "nagging", but because you're not his mum.

Most men will move heaven to get their legs over, so if no change bin the crusty. You shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense.

Does he smell ? If he doesn't then there's not really an issue. I was brought up a long time ago and we only bathed on Sunday before school on Monday and we just washed every day between.

@GettingStuffed I don't think he smells strongly but the sheets etc smell and his clothes. I have said above but I think I am immune to it slightly.

He’s Gaslighting You! Get Out & find someone who appreciates You. Better still leave/kick him out & have some time just for You.

@SwordToFlamethrower it’s obviously your business what you do, but you aren’t clean.

You don't have to lick it, though.

OP I think it depends how much fun he is to be with. If he stinks like a dog, you have to tell him. Obviously no sex can happen in such circumstances. If he understands that, and scrubs up when necessary, I don't see the problem. I grew up in the 70s, when I'm not sure showers were invented.

Dealbreaker for me OP. It’s not just the physical aspect of the smell and dirt. It’s the fact that he clearly doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and has no respect for you. He’s just not bothered, and I want to be a with someone who loves me, not someone who only cares about themselves.

I'm wondering why I am settling for all of this having read all of the responses today

That's what we're all wondering, because it makes absolutely no fucking sense. If you don't want better for yourself, you are never going to get it. Your "partner" certainly doesn't give a shit. What a unbelievably sad way to wither away your life.

@ChickyBricky I grew up in the 70s too. No showers so we had daily baths. It wasn’t the Victorian era!

Neurotic? No way!

Not sure if it’s because I have contamination OCD… but I actually don’t let DH in the bed unless he’s fresh out of the shower. And if he goes downstairs after he has to wash his feet/shower again before bed. That probably is the OCD talking but we both shower at least twice everyday. More so in Summer/after the gym.
I told DH he had to quit smoking but when I could smell social smoke on him he had to put all his clothes in the washing machine straight away and during Covid/bed bugs epidemic he had to take his clothes off on the porch.

Honestly OP I don’t know how you live with it, reading your post has made me feel violently sick. Does he wash his clothes? They must smell too.

@podcastobsessed I think it might be time for you to tell him about the negative effects of his skipping normal hygiene. And I would get him to stop smoking at all costs. My grandmother died of a cancer caused by passive smoking before the smoking bastard who subjected her to it died. And passive smoke doesn't just come from a room where it's happening it comes from the breath of the smoker.

Also if he’s too lazy to even take care of his personal hygiene, is he not lazy about everything in life? Does he have any drive or career ambition? Make an effort with you? Sorry I’d have to kick him to the curb… fast

What if he needs a wee or a glass of water in the night? Does he have to shower before getting back into bed?!!

No, because there is bottled water upstairs and bathroom is connected to the bedroom (no germs from downstairs). I know it’s really weird but that is part of having contamination OCD and actually for many it’s a lot worse.

Fine if he was topping and tailing but nothing is a bit odd. It's not 1700.

He works from home.........

No.

In a word.

But then I'd never be in a relationship with a smoker as it's abhorrent.

My DP showers twice a day and sometimes 3 times if he's done sport midday.

Beyond the obvious smell and filthiness of him, he clearly has no respect for you and doesn't want to change.

We're wondering too.

FGS pull your big girl pants up and move on, out, whatever but get rid.

Gads. It absolutely is a deal breaker.

How gross.

Do you let him anywhere near you?

At last some common sense. It is simply not necessary to shower every day, but there's a whole lot of pearl clutching in this thread.