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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His comment when the bill came ....

332 replies

mrprott · 15/05/2024 13:54

I went in a date recently.
I was a little anxious before hand about the discomforts of f the bill situation but was and am adamant about splitting bills on dates bar coffees or waters etc.
I knew midway through meal that he was a test so decided to enjoy rest of meal and put it down to experience.
I suggested at the end we call for the bill. It came. He looked at it , sat back on his chair and with a swerve of his hand pointing at the bill said ..'do you want me to pay for this or what ?' In a really nonchalant voice ..
I nearly died 😂🤣🙈
I was so shocked at how he spoke to me.... this boastful, popular , millionaire( his words ? with his jaguar and photos of his palatial spread ....
The waiter caught sight of this and got awkward and left ..
I said of course we're splitting it but in my fifty years of living on this earth, I have never been asked anything like this in such a way and I was mortified.
He didn't understand this at all???
Shrugged his shoulder and that was that ..
AIBU ?

OP posts:
Applescruffle · 15/05/2024 15:28

I don't understand what people were not understanding and why the OP needed to explain. Clearly the man was rude and obnoxious when the bill came. That's not how you politely ask how its being handled.

As an aside, I don't really agree with splitting bills. The etiquette is surely that the host pays, the host being whoever asks for the date, regardless of gender.

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/05/2024 15:28

Ask the server at the start of the meal for separate checks. Job done.

JJathome · 15/05/2024 15:31

Not sure why you were mortified if he was the one being the twat, you clearly didn’t click. He rudely asked if you expected him to pay, you said no, you’d already decided not to see him again, seems same back, you paid your way, nothing to be mortified about.

JJathome · 15/05/2024 15:34

Applescruffle · 15/05/2024 15:28

I don't understand what people were not understanding and why the OP needed to explain. Clearly the man was rude and obnoxious when the bill came. That's not how you politely ask how its being handled.

As an aside, I don't really agree with splitting bills. The etiquette is surely that the host pays, the host being whoever asks for the date, regardless of gender.

Who is the host, surely you both agree to meet after chatting for awhile. Life isn’t a Jane Austin novel.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 15/05/2024 15:41

'I said no of course I don't want you to get this. We are splitting the bill, if you're happy with that?
He was like ...sure.... then proceeded to suggest I pay him Cash while he used Revolut to pay the total. Honest to fuck 🙄'

I don't see the issue? He said 'sure' to splitting the bill. No one can tell what word was stressed or what the tone was in the sentence he said that upset you, but not worth a second thought if you're not meeting him again.

JJathome · 15/05/2024 15:44

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 15:13

Seedsandseeds

"You claim you deem someone to care and like you only if they pay for your dinner. So you're basing your worth on a man paying for you to eat."

Where have I said I only deem someone to care and like me if they pay? I said that was probably how HE felt, not me! Wasn't going to see her again so why pay. Charming.

When my ds was dating I told him to always pay irrespective of if he saw a second date or not. Maybe not feminist just polite and how I've raised him I hope.

Why would you tell him that? It’s not the 50s, we are equals and can and should wish to pay for ourselves. He should body swerve anyone who has their hand out for a free feed.

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 16:06

JJathome

"Why would you tell him that? It’s not the 50s, we are equals and can and should wish to pay for ourselves. He should body swerve anyone who has their hand out for a free feed."

It's not about the money, if somebody wanted to pay for my meal on a first date I wouldn't see that as inequality I'd see that as sweet and courteous. Not because I want a free meal, I'd just acknowledge he's been raised well.

AnnieSF · 15/05/2024 16:18

mrprott · 15/05/2024 14:14

He called for the bill. Bill came to his side of table and then he sat back and came out with that rudeness in that tone of voice and yes I was mortified and very uncomfortable also .
I said no of course I don't want you to get this. We are splitting the bill, if you're happy with that?
He was like ...sure.... then proceeded to suggest I pay him Cash while he used Revolut to pay the total. Honest to fuck 🙄

He phrased it badly and it sounds rude.

Viviennemary · 15/05/2024 16:31

I don't understand it either. Why were you mortified. Just say no I'd rather we split it. Or that would be kind if you take care of it this time. Nothing mortifying about it.

Nevercloserfortherestofourlives · 15/05/2024 16:31

mrprott · 15/05/2024 14:14

He called for the bill. Bill came to his side of table and then he sat back and came out with that rudeness in that tone of voice and yes I was mortified and very uncomfortable also .
I said no of course I don't want you to get this. We are splitting the bill, if you're happy with that?
He was like ...sure.... then proceeded to suggest I pay him Cash while he used Revolut to pay the total. Honest to fuck 🙄

Haha
Well at least you don’t have to waste any more time on this tight, unattractive twat. Win win. 👍

littlestrawberryhat · 15/05/2024 16:33

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Gettingbysomehow · 15/05/2024 16:33

There are certainly some deliberately obtuse snarky people on here today.
It's perfectly obvious what OP meant unless you are an idiot so I'm assuming that's what the rude people are.

RB68 · 15/05/2024 16:34

I would have said he was crass, both in his boasting and showing off then his snidey way of talking about splitting the bill. I would have just said something like - are you happy to go 50 50 or shall we pay separately? The blatant assumption in the way he phrased things was poor but to be honest if he is on the dating scene he likely has been taken for a bit of a ride, but he is misdirecting his feelings about it

littlestrawberryhat · 15/05/2024 16:34

MonsteraMama · 15/05/2024 14:42

I don't get it. If you didn't discuss splitting the bill beforehand why is him nonchalantly asking if he's covering it mortifying?

Ok he sounds a bit of a pompous knob, but surely just a laugh and "oh that's kind but no thanks, let's split it" is all that's needed? Or am I missing something?

You really don’t see why it might feel uncomfortable being spoken to like that? Or can’t you pick up on his tone and body language as op has described? Infuriating.

littlestrawberryhat · 15/05/2024 16:35

Viviennemary · 15/05/2024 16:31

I don't understand it either. Why were you mortified. Just say no I'd rather we split it. Or that would be kind if you take care of it this time. Nothing mortifying about it.

Really? Are you a robot?

blacksax · 15/05/2024 16:38

..'do you want me to pay for this or what?'

"Let's go halves, shall we?"

Job done.

Garlicked · 15/05/2024 16:39

Neverdo · 15/05/2024 14:52

Does no one else think the fact that OP asked for the bill is relevant?

She'd asked for it and didn't do anyhting with it. How else was he supposed to find out what she intended?

The waiter was out of order with that one. It's normal to present the bill to the diner who asked. But ... perhaps the staff at this venue are really, really tired of hearing this man barf on to a succession of women about his big house, shiny car and internet bank account, and reckon he owes them dinner for putting up with him!

GingerPirate · 15/05/2024 16:39

mrprott · 15/05/2024 14:08

Sorry! I must not have explained it well.

Our bill was of similar cost when split.

When the bill came his body language , tone of voice and manners were atrocious.

We were always splitting the bill as far as I was concerned , but the way he threw out that comment left me cold coupled with his swag and gesturing.

Test meant twat

Not second date... in a million years.

Exactly.
If a first date, he should have paid full stop.
That's just me, though.
Glad I'll never need to bother with "dating" ever again. Neither do I want to.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 15/05/2024 16:40

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Why would any of us be 'sad, jealous little ladies'? OP didn't enjoy her date, no one is sad or jealous (I am very much not little, either. Wish I was.). Most people are just asking what was so bad about the man's tone, because his words seem fine?

viques · 15/05/2024 16:40

I think I would have been unable not to say “ No, no, this one’s on me” just to see the look on his face. 🙂

MonsteraMama · 15/05/2024 16:40

littlestrawberryhat · 15/05/2024 16:34

You really don’t see why it might feel uncomfortable being spoken to like that? Or can’t you pick up on his tone and body language as op has described? Infuriating.

Show quote history

Mildly uncomfortable for the three seconds it'd take to say "no thanks let's go Dutch"? Sure. Absolutely mortified? No. That's dramatic as hell.

And no I can't pick up on his tone and body language as I wasn't fucking there, and the way OP has described it has changed at least twice so it's not exactly easy to interpret.

Garlicked · 15/05/2024 16:40

blacksax · 15/05/2024 16:38

..'do you want me to pay for this or what?'

"Let's go halves, shall we?"

Job done.

I'd go for yes, thanks, on this occasion. Don't fancy a "what"!

Polishedshoesalways · 15/05/2024 16:41

He was rude.

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/05/2024 16:42

No, I get it, OP. There's the guy who wants to split the bill (fine), and then there's the guy who makes a huge awkward defensive scene about splitting the bill because he's more concerned about letting his date know he won't be tricked or something than he is about being pleasant company.

It's the same attitude as people on OLD whose profiles are just exercises in ranting about everything they hate about men or women than in trying to present themselves in an attractive or appealing way. The whole attitude is one of "you won't get one over on me" rather than "it's nice to meet you, let's make the date pleasant". You can split the bill without making a boorish, defensive statement about it.

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/05/2024 16:44

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/05/2024 16:42

No, I get it, OP. There's the guy who wants to split the bill (fine), and then there's the guy who makes a huge awkward defensive scene about splitting the bill because he's more concerned about letting his date know he won't be tricked or something than he is about being pleasant company.

It's the same attitude as people on OLD whose profiles are just exercises in ranting about everything they hate about men or women than in trying to present themselves in an attractive or appealing way. The whole attitude is one of "you won't get one over on me" rather than "it's nice to meet you, let's make the date pleasant". You can split the bill without making a boorish, defensive statement about it.

Agree.

"This one is on me," said with a smile, or "Shall we split this, then?" said with a smile, were his two options. Belligerently daring her to let him pay the bill in full was just being a dick.

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